On and on!

Well, it's been 2 months.
I have been busy over the last 2 months.
The 18th of October was a big day - As part of the training program I was in, we (all the women in the program) had organized an event that day to promote our new activity, and women's initiatives in general. It was a lot of work, but also a lot of fun and energy on the day.
I had a space with a massage table and I gave free mini-healing sessions. There were a lot of people all day around my space, a lot of questions and interests, and contacts at the end of the day.
It was a nice peak to the program that finished that the end of October.

Right after that event I realized that I needed a new project to keep me going, so I decided to organize a workshop. And it all went very fast because I wanted to organize it before Christmas, knowing January would probably not be a good time with people being broke and depressed after Christmas.
And I did it! Created a workshop from scratch on Chakra energetics, and delivered it last Saturday. It was a half day workshop, I had 6 participants, and it went well!
I am very happy with it, and kinda proud because it's the first time I do something like that! Organizing an event from scratch, creating the communication, getting the participants, creating the content and finding the objects and music needed, and delivering it. Woohoo!!
So now I'll do more of them. And conferences. I have 2 planned for February. Will probably do one on the Law of Attraction and one on Energetic healing... Need to have a description of both conferences by the beginning of January.
I notice that creating deadlines for myself is the way I work best. Especially if the deadlines are public and if people depend on me to deliver on time.
So I am learning a lot about myself and enjoying the process while my business starts.

News

Ok it's been a while since I posted here.
Well take it from me, no news is good news!
Things are going well. There isn't necessarily any huge breakthrough that would incite me to write often on this blog, but things are going forward little by little.
I am well settled in my little apartment in Bordeaux, and enjoy the freedom of having my own place. It feels like a small cosy warm cocoon.
I have started Kundalini Yoga 3 weeks ago, and love it. It is pretty intense, working more on the breathing and on the speed of movements than on the postures like Hatha Yoga, and I leave each session feeling at peace, deeply relaxed and joyful. Perfect.
I have also started drama lessons this week. The first week was shorter than planned, but with a bit of improvisation and all, it was great fun and I didn't feel like leaving at all at the end! So looking forward to the next lessons.
Business-wise, things are also going forward. I have a few regular clients, including one who comes twice a week at the moment, and I am enjoying watching her grow. As soon as I am in a session with a client, all doubts leave, and I am just there, fully centered and on purpose, strong, and joyful. I love it!
And I am starting to meet people in the same kind of work. People on my wavelength. It is fascinating to notice that there are quite a few people with similar goals and interests as I have. When I thought that France was not at all "evolved" that way...
Ha...

Scooting ahead

It's been a while again.
I have been on holidays, which I mostly used to move into the new flat.
I am now settled, and have internet access at home, which is GREAT!!
I am 20 minutes walk away from the place I go to everyday to do my training program on business creation. And wait until I have my bike back in Bordeaux! I will FLY to that place!
I am less than 10 min walk from the big library (they lend DVDs, CDs, comics, books and all the rest!!) and from the swimming pool, and really close from the whole city center really.
The apartment is small, it feels a bit like a little nest where I can recharge my batteries for the next steps. And there is the garden. Where I can sit at the table having a coffee from my wonderful espresso machine, and read while listening to the wind in the trees. Pretty cool for being right in the middle of the city, huh?

Business-wise, things are moving forward.
I have my website up and running: http://www.soinsenergetiquesbordeaux.com
I am waiting to get my flyers and business cards from press.
I have a beauty institute where I can have my healing sessions. I am looking for another 2 centers or institutes that would agree to partner with me on the same terms more or less, and then I'll be sorted for now.
My market study is going forward, even if I still have a bit to do on it. I already have quite a bit of data.
So there is still much to do, but there is already much done, and what's more, I feel on purpose. As the ad for Mastercard goes, that is priceless...
This is an adventure. Exciting, and scary.
I am really thankful to have two amazing women who accepted to be my "godmothers" in my project and who are helping and coaching me.
We'll see what comes next.

New apartment

It's been almost a month, and you wouldn't believe how things have moved, changed, gone forward, come up and all in the last few weeks.
I have started to test my project of starting a healing business, and so far, it looks really good. People are interested, I have realized that I can do it really well, and can also sell. I am in the middle of my market study, and working actively on the business plan and financial plan. It's fun, it's scary, it's elating, it's incredible.
Oh, and I found a flat. Yesterday.
Have been looking for a week, and started off in my search with a bit of a "oh my god it's going to be hard" attitude, until I decided I had enough of the fear, and started to present myself differently to the agencies, and realized I could actually find something nice quickly if I wished to.
Well I did. Found a nice little studio, about 30 m2, and with a tiny garden! The garden is completely private, as no one else has access to it, or even a view on it. And big enough to put a small table and a clothes line, and the best is: I have something green right outside my window, and can grow herbs, mint - maybe not veggies but hey!
The place is really nice, in a quiet area but 5 min walk from the tram, I can keep a bike there, and I even met my neighbor, she is lovely and has a beautiful cat!
I am going to sign the papers and do the official first visit with key reception and all on the 8th of August (oh my, 08/08/08! Must be a sign....). And I have 2 weeks holidays starting right then to move and settle in the new place
I feel so grateful.

Update

Life is going forward at full speed.

Second week of program went by in a snap.
Now I have already started my third week, where I am doing a work experience at a beauty/wellness center.
I am meeting new people, struggling to stay in touch with the ones I know, or to keep up with my email (my good intention of always keeping less than 20 emails in my inbox is long forgotten).
It's a phase like that.
Moving moving moving.
After the months of inaction and thinking, it feels good and slightly bewildering.
I need to keep getting back to center.
Keep finding time to read inspirational books and meditate.
Keep surrounding myself with positive people. I notice how important that is, and I appreciate my friends who are always there to remind me of the good side of things, when I get lost in the story of how difficult everything is.
Support is so important. And I am so grateful for all the times where I feel supported and loved and encouraged in what I do and who I am.

Sometimes support comes unexpectedly, like the time where I scared a lady in the street scooting at full speed with my little scooter beside her.

We started talking, and she ended up answering my market research question, and now she is in my mailing list! She even texted me in the evening to tell me how delighted she was to have met me.

And then besides that are days like today where all the people I ask answer no at the first main questions, which invalidates them for the rest of the questionnaire. Basically shows that these people have no interest in becoming my customers.

First week over

So this is the end of my first week with the business creation program I started on Monday.
Wow.
I am exhausted. I can really feel that I haven't had a regular working rhythm with getting up early and being busy all day in over a year. My body is adjusting.
It is actually going rather well. I already feel less exhausted and like I could fall asleep in the tramway on my way back home in the evening. I feel more excited about what I am doing.
And I feel on purpose. Aligned with what I am here for.
What a feeling.

This week I have met a lot of people, starting with the trainers/teachers, and members of the program. I feel already like I integrated the group really well. I could feel the skepticism in the room when I first presented my project on Monday.
I am going to start a healing business, I said.
Healing? What the hell is that... I could feel the unsaid questions and doubts.
A girl summarized at some stage: so you are giving massages, but without touching the people? And then she made a face.
Uh-oh... This was not going too well.
I tried to explain more. No it is not quite like massages. It is energy work.
Oh they are not getting it. How do I explain what I do to people who don't believe in any of it by principle, and don't know what it is about at all. Sounds like a challenge I might have to face if I want to start that kind of activity in intellectual, philosophical, sensible France.

Yet within the week everything changed.
I had an opportunity to really listen and share with the one person I felt as a bit of a bully. Little by little I felt like I "earned" my space in the group. By the end of the week everything had turned around. People are more open, ask more questions about what I do and are more positive about it.
I noticed throughout the experience how I have changed around and in groups. I used to hate them and feel very ill at ease. I always preferred one-on-one contact and events. Just easier to deal with the energy flow. And this time being in a group, what's more where I didn't choose the members, is working really well. Hey I changed! I grew! Woohoo!

Ok I think I'll go to bed now, will write more about the week's experiences tomorrow or so.

Building in opposition or building forward

I have started to realize in the last few weeks how much I built my life in opposition.
Ha. I thought I was centered, balanced and rather at peace with myself. Well guess what! I seem to be rather good at keeping nice soft and comfortable illusions for myself...
I wanted to draw, paint, sing and be a musician. My brothers were excellent at music and graphical arts so I started writing.
I wanted to study English. My brother and mum were English teachers. So I studied German.
My brother spent some time in Canada and in the US. I went to Ireland and Germany.
I always put myself down, and felt not worthy of my family. So I developed myself in directions that had not been explored in the family yet. A pioneer, always.
A pioneer to escape from the illusions I had created and couldn't face.
Now I am facing them, one by one.
It's time.
I am settling in Bordeaux. I am staying in France. For the first time in 10 years.
I am building something new. But I don't want to build in opposition anymore. I want to build what feels good to me now regardless of what others think or have done.
I want to remember who I really am and the power I actually have.
And I want to forgive myself for keeping myself down all these years.

News at last

It's time to share what's going on again...
It's been a long time. Gee. Over a month.
Well things have been moving.
As soon as I made the decision to commit to something, I started meeting people, discovering organizations and websites that might help me, etc...
My first milestone was the 22nd of May, with the little speech I gave to over 15 people at a friend's house. It went really well, and I even got my first client from it!
Since then I have been working on my website, which is still not online, but I am working on the content.
I have been trying to schedule my time, plan things to do, but after a few weeks of being at it on my own, I realized that I really need help.
I need some kind of very regular support by someone who has already created a company and knows how it works, and what steps to go through when. On my own, I lack the overview on what I need to do. So I feel a bit lost, helpless, and very lonely.
So I went to an entrepreneur fair last week, and was shown how many possibilities are open for me. Wow. How wonderful. Abundance again.
I had a meeting this week with a women organization that has an activity creation support program, and they accepted me in it. Which means that from Monday on, and until the end of October, I will be working on my project with them, in a group of about 8 women who are all creating their company, for 30 hours per week. Here is the regular rhythm I need to get back to, after over a year of sabbatical exploration. What's more, I am paid for doing it! Not much, but enough to motivate me to get out of the state help system. That program will give me everything I need: motivation, support, and a network of people who know how to do what I am doing.
So I have some work to do on my project presentation before Monday, and it's fun!!

As for San Francisco, I realized that now that I am really here with all my energy, I haven't lost the connection with my friends over there. On the contrary. It feels like the connection is clearer. And right now, I don't feel like going there. I don't know how long I will stay in Bordeaux. But for now, this is the place to be. And it feels good.
Phew.

Decision

OK it is time to write here.
Yes I have made a decision.
My decision is to use my energy on building a healing business here in Bordeaux.
I am working on a plan to get there right now. Plenty of things to do, to check out, to prepare. A first gig on the 22nd of May, with a friend who invited me to talk about what I do in front of the 20 something members of her association. She believes quite a few people there would be interested.

It feels good in a way, and depressing in another.
I feel like I am mourning San Francisco, all the friends and hopes I have left there.
And interestingly, it is the first time I do this since I came back. I had managed until now to stay so connected and linked to them, that I almost hadn't noticed I was away. Hence nothing was moving. I wasn't really here.
Now I am regrouping my energy to build something here, and it is slowly sinking in that I won't see them for quite a while, and I am withdrawing my energy from them, from there, and bringing it back here.
It is a bit painful, but it feels good, because I can feel I am getting more centered. More me.

Birthday

I wake up, look at my watch. It is just about 7am.
I smile, turn over to my side, pull the quilt to right under my chin, and close my eyes again.
I can hear the birds singing outside.
It is just perfect.
An hour later, I get up, a sleepy smile still on my face. I go to my bag, where I recover the eleven Millionaire scratch cards I have bought over the last week, as my fun birthday present for myself, take a coin, and walk down the stairs to the kitchen, where everyone - my parents and aunts - is waiting for me with a Happy Birthday already formed on the lips.
I kiss everyone, sit down, and start scratching.
First card nothing. Second nothing. Third nothing.
And suddenly a few cards win a bit, and I end up winning 164€ over the 11 cards. Not bad.
This day feels good.
I feel joyful, empowered, playful.
The sun is shining, it is a pretty warm day, time to wear open shoes.
I am so grateful.

Hey Prophet

Sounds like what I am writing about is bringing up lots of hostility in you. Maybe it's time to look in the mirror for you too.
The only thing you seem to do is destroy anything I might write about, by saying it - or I - is/am worthless, stupid, whatever else.
Let's get some things clear here.
I am completely open to constructive criticism. However, I am NOT your punching ball.
Maybe your comments come from good intention. Maybe you are trying to shake me to what you believe life is about. But the delivery of your last 2 messages has been received here as offensive and negative. And remember, there is what YOU believe life is about, and what I believe life is about. There is your path, and my path. Both might be different, and yet both might be true. I am trying to discover and walk my path, and don't need aggression or destruction on it.
Thank you.

Commitment

OK.
I am going to raise the heat here. For myself.
I will share with you the decision I have made. Which makes me then accountable.
My birthday is on Friday. I turn 30 on Friday, and I have decided to offer myself the gift of clarity for my birthday.
A few days ago I received a newsletter I get regularly from Tama Kieves at http://www.awakeningartistry.com/
She talked about commitment.
The paragraph that most hit home was:

When I was deciding what career direction to move in, I was terrified of making a mistake. I didn't want to waste my time, so of course I wasted my time by obstinately not doing anything. I didn't want to go forward in the wrong direction. But the problem was-- I wasn't going forward in any direction. After a while, options turn into dead fish. They start smelling up the room. It's the aroma of guilt and waste and passing time. You need to use your options while they're fresh. I felt haunted and frustrated and depleted all at the same time. Finally, a friend of mine said to me "Why not commit fully for now? You don't have to commit to forever. Just commit fully for now."

That felt like I was reading exactly about myself. And it was uncomfortable.
And then she said: "Commitment brings clarity".

So these last few days are filled with nervousness, fear and excitement while I survey what my options are, and spend time feeling where my heart wants to go.
Holy crap. Now I am really accountable.

Anger and choice

I am in a bad mood today.
Well not a bad mood as such.
More a mood to listen to Skunk Anansie. That says it all.
I haven't been listening to that kind of music in ages. Today it felt so good.
I can feel that I have liters of withheld anger and grief. So a music that I can scream with feels good.

Of course there is a story that explains why I am angry. There are even a few different stories. But they are not that interesting. Or necessary.
So right now my choice is to stay with the anger, with the sensations in my body, and ride it until it subsides.
Ha!

New nephew

I have a new nephew!!
Born on the 13th of April, he is tiny, and gorgeous and seems to spend most of his time sleeping so far.
Which is great, because it means he doesn't cry so much. His name is Baptiste, and there is a French saying that says "tranquille comme Baptiste" (calm as Baptiste). His name suits him beautifully!
And he is sooooo cute!
I have been at my brother's for the past 2 days, with my parents, and will stay until tomorrow. I have met the new little boy yesterday, when he came back from the maternity with his mother. It has been bliss to hold him, discover his little face and the warmth of his small, soft body.
How different he is from his two brothers. He looks most like his eldest brother, but is different as well. His brothers seem to be very happy of the new arrival, but I also heard the little one ask: "so when is he leaving?".
Hmmm. There is still some explaining to do.

And tonight, we are celebrating my birthday. Both my brothers will be there, and that feels special. I haven't celebrated my birthday with them in ages, probably not since my 18th birthday or so. OK, so it is a bit in advance, my birthday is actually in 13 days, but who cares! Will write more later, better go and see what needs to be done for tonight.

Square One

Just came back from my appointment with the unemployment office.
Three months already since I got registered there.
Three months where I looked in all directions I could think of: working on the internet (and several possibilities there), starting a company, finding a job (again several possibilities there), getting some new training.
OK it doesn't look like I did nothing.
It doesn't look like I know what I want either.
Damn. I am back to square one.
What DO I want?
What is my project?
What CAN I do NOW?
WHERE do I want to do it?
Where CAN I do it?
Ultimately the where is the only thing I am sure of: San Francisco.
There rest is a bit wobbly.
I can feel that I have the answers to all these questions somewhere inside myself. So how come they are not coming out? Now would be a good time, really....

But maybe getting back to square one means something else. Maybe it means surrender. De-constructing all the thoughts, fears and anxiety I have built around my life project. Going back to the ground.
What do I want ultimately. Beyond what it might look like.
What do I want that I would not compromise on.
I know that.
I want purpose, connection and abundance.
I want to connect in a meaningful, deep, truthful and conscious way with many people every day.
I want to wake up and do everything I do with a sense of purpose, knowing I am in alignment with who I am and who I want to be. Otherwise, it doesn't make sense.
And I want to enjoy around me the abundance that is already in me.
OK so this is the background.
This is the core of what I want.

Now I need to follow my intuition to build my project around that.

Listening to my inner voice

Today is a down day.
Woke up with a strange scratchy feeling in my throat. A little fog in my brain, especially if I move my head fast.
Feeling like I need to clear my throat all the time.
Getting sick again?
I am barely out of my sinusitis. Seems to be taking a long time for my body to recover.
In the meantime, many questions have come and gone.
Switzerland feels like a faraway dream, but doesn't quite feel quite right to me now. Nothing came out of the few things I tried in that direction. Maybe I didn't try with enough heart. Maybe it is not the way to go. Maybe the answer will come a bit later.
I am getting stronger in myself. It feels better to listen to my inner voice. And right now it is saying: stay put. You are exactly where you need to be. Follow your intuition every day, see where it leads you. Don't panic, no need for anxiety. You are taken care of at every moment of every day.
Yes.
So I stay in that sort of waiting paradigm. I have left the cliff, and am hanging in mid-air, have not quite landed anywhere yet. It feels like I am floating on a cloud, it is not painful, only a bit cold sometimes, and a bit lonely. I am learning to trust the instruments, even if I can't see the ground in front of me.
And still, I am learning to RECEIVE. It is not that easy to receive gracefully.
We are used to keep counting. If we receive something it means we owe something to someone. And it feels uncomfortable, almost shameful, until we have given something back, and we are even. But receiving unconditionally is something else entirely. It means being grateful for everything that is given to me, and being graceful about it. Receiving doesn't mean I am alienated. And if I keep count of what I am receiving in order to give back later, it is like an offense to the person who is giving to me so wholeheartedly and unconditionally. Feeling guilty, or ashamed, is also an offense.
Nothing is given to me right now with the purpose to alienate me. But I have the choice of how I react. I can feel alienated and like I owe something, or I can feel free and grateful. I believe the point of this situation is for me to learn the latter.
And I am learning about my strength, and how dedicated I am to finding my own path, a path that will be in alignment with who I am and who I want to be, and how I am ready to go until the end of it without compromising my soul. Yes, sometimes I panic. Sometimes I feel like I should get a job, anything, even if it means getting myself again into what I left swearing I would never go back.
But I have more and more moments of peace, where I can see the big picture, and how this transition is important in testing my values and finding out who I really am, and what I am ready to do to realize what I am.
Life is good.
I am grateful.

Switzerland?

OK so yesterday I could feel things were moving. I received many unexpected emails from people in the US, the UK, even Italy. I replied, got replies straight back.
Then my brother sent me a Skype chat. Wow. He is so rarely on Skype, it always feels special when he is.
Have you thought about Switzerland? he asked.
Every time I think about you I have the feeling you should go to Switzerland and work there for a while. It is an intuition I wanted to share with you.
Double wow.
No I haven't thought about it. Never even entered my mind.
So since then my whole being has been buzzing.
I have the Swiss nationality, so it shouldn't be hard to find work there, if there is work to be found.
I have family there who could help me out until I find something.
And if I find something it is likely to be much better paid than in France.
So I called my aunt in Switzerland this morning. She is going to start looking around, keeping her ears and eyes open. She welcomed me to stay in her place any time to look for something from there.
HOLY COW!! Is that my next step?
I feel nervous and excited and scared. My stomach is churning, I feel the irrepressible need to walk around, move, not stop, do something, eat, whatever will calm me down.
OK breathe. Pheeeeewwww...
I have no idea yet. But I will investigate, make a few more calls to Switzerland, and see if any door opens up.

One step forward, one step backward

So do you think I spent a couple of hours every day working on building an internet business since last Wednesday? Or thinking of my priorities, or what kind of business I want?
Nooo...
I don't even know what I bloody well did in the last week.
This seems to be a pattern by now. I start something, get really excited by it, but not for long. Withing the next days/hours/minutes I get disappointed or disillusioned, and just want to give up.
Oh yes I'd really like to have an internet business that works and earns me money. But it's too much effort, and not enough on purpose with what I really want for me to want to invest all that effort...
So I could try and find a short term job that would pay well. I have updated my CV, and learned all about cover letters, but as soon as rejections come in, I just give up and think it's not the right way.
So I could do freelance writing or translating jobs. Put up a profile on E-lance. But everyone has more experience than I do so I don't even bid for any project. It doesn't feel quite good.
So i could use this time to just write. Managed to write 3 days in a row, and then stopped.

My avoidance pattern seems to be eating me alive.
I need to make a decision and go on with it, but nothing feels right, and I don't manage to commit to anything. One step forward, one step backwards. I try all directions, but go back to square one. And don't move.

On the bright side, I can feel stuff is moving deep inside me. On the edge between conscious and unconscious. I am aware of movements, like ebb and flow movements, thick, syrupy wave moving up and down inside me. I don't know what it contains, but I know it's there. And I know that as soon as the dam breaks, there'll be no stopping me...
Until then, well...

Back to the internet...

OK so I am back to the idea of building an internet business. As fast as I can.
So I have signed up for some kind of mentorship that is already starting to disappoint me, but this time I have decided that I've had enough and I will follow-through. I have been a quitter often enough, signing up for something only to be disappointed and give it all up, without even trying to get everything I can from the experience and potential opportunity.
So now I have mentors there to answer my questions in my quest to build an internet business, and I will put them to good use.
One of the things I find difficult in this new venture is the information overload.
I have so many e-books and seminars saved somewhere on my hard drive and that I haven't read or listened to yet.
If I started to really dig into that information - well the mere thought of it feels overwhelming...
So I'll start with the basics.
I need to set up a website. In order to do that, I need to find a good domain name, buy it, find hosting that isn't incredibly expensive but still gives me all I need, and create a first basic page. I don't know anything about html, so I can start with templates. Then, we'll see.
I need to be careful not to overdo it and spend 23 hours non-stop working on the computer, only to get downstairs for breakfast with bloodshot eyes and a depression on the way... I need to pace myself.
Also I need to alternate doing phases with learning phases with play phases with connection with people phases... Otherwise I'll just end up insane within a week...
Oh yes, and remember that I don't need to re-invent the wheel... Ask for help from people who have done it before.
OK I'll leave it here for tonight, we'll see how it goes tomorrow.

Job applications and writing

It's been a while again since I posted here.
It's also been a while since I answered my emails properly. I have at least a dozen emails that are still waiting for a reply.
Strange how I have been checking my email everyday, and even put a note on my calendar a few times to answer them, yet didn't do them. I seem to get engulfed in some other websurfing activities, or other things even.
I have been working on my CV. Learning how to write a CV and cover letter in French. Not that easy...
I had seen an interested ad for a job as a junior HR consultant in a HR consulting company. Sent my CV and cover letter late on Tuesday. Got the negative answer before 9am on Wednesday. Didn't take them long to find out I wasn't what they were looking for.
OK so far it was the first job I was applying for. I am not discouraged. I am thinking of organizing a mailing of all HR consulting businesses in Bordeaux, to see if any of them would offer me an interview. Spontaneous application. Could work.
We'll see.
In the meantime I have committed to writing. A good friend of mine in San Francisco has agreed to keep me up to my word there. To do that we agreed that I would send her every evening what I have written in the day. So I have to write something to be able to send it to her. That should help to discipline me a bit.
These are strange times. It feels like I am a bit up in the air, in between. No idea what is coming next. Not even a hint.

Sunny day

Today has been incredibly sunny. And warm, considering we are still at the beginning of February.
It felt beautiful to sit in the sun this afternoon, my back against the front wall of the house, writing and petting the dog:
She kept trying to get my attention, it was funny. Almost like a game...
I am so grateful for these amazing days. So grateful for everything I am receiving everyday.
This is my lesson at the moment: how can I receive gracefully...
Having nothing of my own, depending on my family is a beautiful lesson of love and grace. They support me unconditionally, throughout this time of transition, and the only thing I have to do is receive as unconditionally as they are giving...

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My new Daemon: meet Andreas

I redid the test... Guess what, now I am a tiger!! Hehehe... It feels right somehow.
Better than a bee... Am I more responsible than inquisitive? I don't really know. Both are part of me somehow...

I saw the movie in the meantime. Really enjoyed the acting, but was disappointed with the changes in the story. Somehow the choices they made weakened the plot and the characters a lot (particularly Iorek who is supposed to have been banned because he killed another bear, not because he was beaten by one...).
Went to see Sweeney Todd this week, and I really enjoyed Johnny Depp, and Helena Bonham Carter. A lot of blood and slit throats, but I had fun... Especially with the songs here and there that lighten up the very dark atmosphere...
Oh and I thought of you Darcy, with Alan Rickmann...

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Personality tests

I am working at the moment on determining what I actually want to do. To get the best fit of remunerated activity, I am spending some time on personality tests this week, and have come across a color test that I found interesting. Takes less than 5 minutes, and gave me some results that resonated deeply with where I am right now.
Here are my results:

Armelle took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Her need to feel more causative and to have a wide..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

I also took the Keirsey Temperament Sorter test and came out as the Idealist!

As for the Enneagram, I seem to be a mix between and

Wow. It is taking me some time and effort to really get down to who I am and what I want. It feels like I need to get back to square one and start from the very beginning again. Who am I? What am I here for? What do I want?

The Northern Lights, Paris and my next steps...

OK so it seems my daemon is a wolf. I LOVE IT!! I have to say it feels better than a bee...
I am now reading the third volume of the Northern Lights trilogy. Still loving every bit of it. Very interesting that idea of many worlds that are kinda superposed on top of each other. And windows to go from one to the other.
Went to see the movie in the meantime. Loved Nicole Kidman and Eva Green, but was a bit disappointed by how much the plot was changed compared to the book.

I spent the weekend in Paris with an American friend. I hadn't been in Paris in a long time, and had never really done the touristy thing, like taking a boat on the Seine, going to the Eiffel tower and Notre Dame and all. That was great. Saw Moulin Rouge and the Cafe where Amélie works in the movie. It was a lot of fun.
Now back to Bordeaux. What do I want?
Always back to this question...
Well things are clearer now. I want to be a coach. Life coach kinda thing. And I want to be a writer. So from this, I can start doing things.
I have a few appointments set up this week with people who can help me clarify my next steps. It feels good. Movement again.
As for the writing, it is simple really. I just need to do it.

My Daemon

I am reading the Golden Compass at the moment. Haven't seen the movie yet, would love to see it as soon as I can.
In the meantime, I found the link to meeting my own Daemon (half soul, half best friend) on Darcy's blog (http://darxyanne.blogspot.com), so here it is:



What do you think? Does it fit my personality? You have 12 days to give your feedback, and then the Daemon will settle into its final form...

Game on!

City life and connection

It is not so easy to really connect with people in a city. There are more people to connect with than in the country side, but they are also often more guarded.
And so far it has been quite hard to even find someone who was open enough to engaging a conversation. But yesterday I found a little cafe that felt good. Sort of community cafe, focusing on serving organic local produce and being open to local life and exchanges. There I could connect with people. It felt good.
So I am going to go back there today and see how it feels.
I can feel things are starting to move. Most importantly I am starting to drop my resistance.
Since I came back from San Francisco I felt like the most important thing for me was to find some way to get back there asap. Yet when I am in that space I miss the whole point.
The most important thing for me is to be here, now.
It doesn't even matter if I ever go back to San Francisco in my whole life. While I am here, now, I want to be here and now 100%. Open, relaxed, enjoying my time and what I am doing.
I have had huge resistance to it. I felt like the only people I wanted to be with, the only people I could connect with and be open with were the ones I met in San Francisco. I felt scarce. Like there were not enough like-minded people here for me to connect with them.
I have realized that it was an illusion, a self-made construct.
There is abundance. Here as well.

City life, soon

I am going to Bordeaux tomorrow evening. Will stay there for the week, and it will probably be my base for a while.
From there, I will be able to move around without a car, with public transports and walking. I will also be able to meet people and maybe find some kind of job.
Thinking about it feels like a breath of fresh air.
I will be staying at my aunts in Bordeaux, which gives me a stable base to start my investigations from.
I am looking forward to it. It is not easy to be in the middle of the countryside without a car. I love spending time with my parents, but I feel stuck. I need to get on with my life and start doing something for myself.
Well no.
I don't need to do so much. I need to trust.
Trusting my intuition is part of it. And my intuition tells me to go to Bordeaux.

Packing again... I realize how I don't like packing. Yet I do it all the time. What do I take, what will I need. Another opportunity to just trust.
I am so tired right now. I think I'll go to sleep and will finish tomorrow...

Fog

I feel like I am sitting in a bubble bath in the fog. Things are boiling, but I have no idea where I am, where is my next step, or where I bloody well left my towel, shoes and clothes...
It is uncomfortable.
Yet I get the feeling this is exactly where I am supposed to be. Here in the fog, not knowing where to go next. Baby steps. First step up in the water, look down right beside the bath. Look here is the towel. First baby step.
Right now my baby step is to go to the company creation workshop tomorrow. It will take all day, and then we'll see. I will have a clearer view of what it takes to create a company in France.
Then, the second baby step is to move to Bordeaux, stay at my aunts, in the city where I will be able to move around freely with public transport, meet people, maybe even find some kind of money-making activity!
And then we'll see.
One step at a time.

Isabel Allende

Just watched the House of Spirits on TV, and then there was a beautiful documentary on Isabel Allende, where she talked about her life and books.
She is such an inspiration.
Watching her talk fast in Spanish - with a French voice-over - and I feel her spirit. I feel as though she is my sister. As if our souls are related. I feel her. I know what she means. My stomach churns at the thought of what she went through. Her characters grip me and speak to me so deeply I can barely hear their voice. She knows how to get through to the place where there are no words anymore, where a look is enough, where things are felt that can't be expressed, because no language has enough words.
She is there.
I read her books and feel like she read my soul. I read her books and I feel like I remember.
That's why I write. That's how I want to write.

What next?

This transition is not easy.
I am starting to think that my plan of being back in San Francisco within the next 2 months might be a teeny bit too optimistic... That makes me feel sad, disappointed and discouraged.
Yet I am very aware that I am creating my own reality, right now.
And right now I am oozing fear and scarcity rather than joy, grace and abundance.
I am finding it hard to go back to feeling abundant, and at the same time I know that the more I feel scarce, the more I attract scarcity. Hmmm not helping.
I am not sure what is my next step.
Well, there are two next steps for this week: one is tomorrow, where I am going to the town hall to apply for the RMI (revenu minimum d'insertion), which is the minimum amount of financial help the state will give to people who don't qualify for unemployment benefit. About €400/month or so... Already something. Argh and here I am so much in scarcity again.
The second step is more positive: it is the company creation workshop on Friday. That should be really interesting. We'll see what comes out of it.

I have the feeling that instead of focusing so much energy trying to find a job on the internet, I could decide to spend time clarifying and narrowing down what I want to do. What do I really want my days to look like? Where and how do I want to spend my energy? What do I want to achieve professionally?
Yes that feels like a good idea.
Let's see what comes from it.

Unemployment administration

What a day!
I spent about 4 hours today going from one administration to the next to register as an unemployed person, check if I am eligible for unemployment benefit (turns out I am not), get the papers to register for the social security (haven't been registered in at least 6 years), get the papers to ask for the little bit of money I can claim when I have no other rights, and talk to the employment agency to look for a job.
Phew!
Now I am back home, and actually feel much better than yesterday. First, because I took care of all that admin stuff (still have a few things to do on Monday, but the worst is done).
And also, because it gave me new ideas and insights.
1. There is an organism in Bordeaux that helps people to find jobs in foreign countries. Wouldn't it be great if they had a job for me in San Francisco?? Will investigate.
2. I signed up for a one day workshop next Friday on how to create a business. Useful information I need to have if I want to do anything on my own, even if it is to create something on the web, or to give healing sessions at home...
3. How about I go to my aunts in Bordeaux for a while and look for a job in Bordeaux? Would be incredibly easier for me to live there when I don't have a car, as it is a city, with public transport and all, and they have more potential jobs for me than the few 2000-people-towns in my neighborhood here... My aunts agreed, so I might just do that, after the business creation workshop next week...
I feel so much lighter.
I can feel the abundance that is in my life again.
So to celebrate, I am going to the cinema tonight!

Beginnings

I made a decision.
Enough of pyramid schemes and snowball schemes (found out the website I set up is actually illegal in France, would potentially bring a 4500 Euros fine and a year in jail, not to mention the closing of my paypal account... So I took the site down and removed the ads I had placed that linked to it).
They bring me away from where I want to go.
And I end up spending a lot of time on the web, getting all frustrated because I have to do things I really don't want to spend time on, e.g. advertising a scam...
It makes me anxious and annoyed and really gives me the feeling that I am wasting my time - which I am.
So now back to the beginning, not knowing where to start, not quite knowing what to do, or in which direction to go first.
I find it hard to let go and just trust. I feel like I should hysterically do things to get myself out of this stage of not knowing, but the more I do, the more fog there is around me and the less I know where to go.
Sometimes I'd like someone else to tell me what to do. Yet I know so well that I won't accept anyone else directing my path anymore. No way.

Internet, and patience

I spent a lot of time on the internet today.
Signed up for one of these stupid pyramid schemes, and before giving up on it altogether and accepting that my 30 euros were lost, I thought why not try and give it a chance? So I spent time looking at advertising on the web, how to generate traffic, etc... I am sure this learning time is going to be useful later, pyramid scheme or not.
I feel a bit spaced out now though. Being on a computer all day tends to do that to me...
I want to spend a bit of time taking care of my cafepress shop and setting it up properly, and researching all the blogging possibilities and ways of earning money through blogging.
I also took an appointment with the Social Welfare office for Friday, so I also deal with the administrative details linked with me being here and officially unemployed. So far I have been impressed with French administration, as people were actually really nice and helpful on the phone!
And beside all that, I feel like I am boiling up inside. I want things to go faster, to be clearer, and to allow me to plan properly. Right now I am pedaling in a yogurt-like substance, and it feels exhausting and frustrating.
Patience, I guess...

100th post - Happy New Year

This is the 100th post I am writing on this blog.
Wow.
When I remember where and who I was when I started it, I can't help but being amazed at last year's journey.
Now the question is: what am I going to build for 2008?
What do I want? What am I going to create?
I feel like I could do anything, I just need to choose what I actually want.
One thing I know is that I want to go back to San Francisco as soon as possible.
And I want abundance. I want to have the resources I need to do anything I want to do.
I want to open up and expand and share more of who I am.
I feel like I have gone through a long and deep internalization era, and now the time is coming for me to go outwards.
And it feels good.
So we'll see what comes, and how it comes.