Friday, August 31, 2007

What a sunny day to write!

I started to write this morning, and here is what came:

It is a sunny day.
Started cold, but sunny.
Something already.
Felt cold all night, what with the window wide open.
Now I am in a rather good mood.
Talked to a good friend of mine last night.
I hadn’t talked to him in almost 4 months.
He always makes me feel good. Reminds me of where the priorities are, and what makes life worthwhile.
Now I have to act on it.
So I start by writing.
35 minutes, as he said.
Start with that. Then we’ll see.
Maybe you will feel like writing more later on in the day.
But start with 35 minutes.
And then stop.
No matter what, stop.
Ok, I said. I will do it.
I heard him smile as he hung up.
Now I am here, and what.
Thinking of all the things I have to do.
All the things I have to think of.
It is not that easy to concentrate for 35 minutes.
But maybe I don’t really have to concentrate.
Who knows.
So soon I will be leaving the country.
Going somewhere where I have never been. Scary.
Exciting as well, but bloody well scary.
Why do I keep doing things like that?
Why can’t I find a job in my own country, have an active social security number and health insurance, find a husband, have kids, and then maybe bitch about it all?
Well that’s why.
I don’t want to bitch about my life.
I want to create my life so I love it.
Maybe it is the other way around.
Maybe I am supposed to love my life first, no matter what it holds, and trust that the changes will come from themselves?
Keeping in mind all the self help books I read. And I read many.
They all seem like that is it when I read them. Like at last I have the truth and if I follow their principles I will be happy. And then I follow the principles for a week and then I stop. Too unnatural.
I wish I could find a method that allows me to be happy without having to do things that seem to go against me, and require discipline.
Do I lack discipline? Yet I thought I could push myself a lot. I used to.
So what happened?
It seems that as I left the mould in order to create my life, I lost my entire rigor, my love for making plans and sticking to them, like the study plans I created and followed all my student life.
Now I am supposed to be creating something that makes me feel good, so I don’t do a thing. Because thinking about how to do it, trying to plan it etc… would not make me feel good.
Hmmm… Am I reaching some kind of deadlock?
Or maybe I am just still in my sludgy transition time and the only thing I need to do is honor it and love myself.
I wish we were born with some kind of user manual. Although if we were, we would probably do what we do with all user manuals – not read it and try to figure it out ourselves. Also it would probably take away a lot of the joy of figuring it out.
I don’t like slow times so much. I feel like I am here for great things, and great things mean living fast.
But then when I do live fast, it gets a bit too fast and I often wish I had more time to rest and relax. Never happy, am I?
Yet I can feel an incredible joy, deep in my stomach, a joy that pushes me to sing and whistle out loud all the time, even when I don’t know what to do, doubt about what I am here for, and feel that really I should be doing something…
Things are moving though. I can feel it deep in my body, deep in my soul. Even without “doing” anything, I am moving forward.
Always stay true to yourself.
Yes.
That’s what I want to do.
No compromise about that.
I want to stay true, and genuine. I want my mistakes, my pains, my joys, my discoveries to be real and from my heart.
So far, so good.
I find it hard not to know.
I wish I could have a glimpse of what the future holds. At the same time, I don’t want to spoil it. I know the future is as good as I make it in the present moment. Maybe what I wish more is that I knew the purpose, or the reason.
Why is more important than what.
Much more.
What will depend on how I interpret the why.
Interesting.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Hectic again

Wow.
It was slow for a while, but speed sure came back into my life since 2 days.
I am getting ready for a yard sale in the village on the 26th of August, and will be gone from tomorrow until the 25th evening, so I have to sort out everything I want to sell.
So basically I had to dive into my old cupboard and the ones in the attic, sorting out what was really mine to sell, what I want to hold onto, what makes sense, etc...
At the same time I was writing an assignment for my writing course, which I managed to send off yesterday. It wasn't easy, as I developed some kind of enormous internal resistance to that assignment and really had to fight against myself to get it done. Glad it is finished and sent.
I also managed to send the cards and pictures I wanted to send to the nice hospitaleros or people who had marked my camino in Spain, at last!!
And... I booked my flight to San Francisco! So I'll go there on the 25h of September, and will come back to France at the end of December - my visa doesn't allow me to stay over 3 months. That's good enough for a first time anyway.
I still have no idea of what I will do there or where I will stay, but I trust and know deep inside me that all these things will get sorted out somehow, and perfectly on time.
Ok now it is almost 2am, I have a big day tomorrow driving with my brother and moving some furniture from friends' places to his place, so I'd better get ready for bed...

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Home...

Today I listened to a song by French singer/songwriter Francis Cabrel called "Les murs de poussière".
The song tells the story of a man who leaves his home (his little piece of land with an old bent tree in the middle of it, the soft light of the nights beside the fire that warmed up his father and the tribe of his ancestors, and his walls of dust) to try and find what he was looking for. He goes all around the world, tries everything, and ends up deciding to go back, because there was nothing as good as his little piece of land with the old bent tree etc...
As I was trying to sing with the song (I like the southern French accent of the singer, and the joyful rhythm of the song), I found myself almost choking with tears. My throat was closed with emotion, there was no way I could sing out loud.
I hadn't listened to that song in a long time, but it had never done that to me before.
The song carries a strong idea of home.
Home.
A home for me is a place where I feel peaceful, joyful and comfortable.
I know that I am the one who makes my home, and it doesn't depend on where I am.
Maybe I am looking too far outside of myself for answers that are in me...

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Life in community vs. time alone

I am realizing, while living with my parents and for the next week or so with my cousin and her family, that I need time on my own very much.
I can ignore the need for a few days, and enjoy spending time with people, especially when I haven't seen them in a long time, but after a few days I become really irritable, and absolutely need to take time on my own, to read, write, or just be alone in my room.
Today I had most of the day on my own with my aunt only, as the others went to a farm where there are plenty of activities for kids and adults alike, and I decided to stay so I could try and spend a bit of time writing.
I didn't spend much time writing, but I can feel that my mind and soul are more peaceful from the moments spent in solitude.
I do need and want to have people around me, but I have understood in the last few days how important it is for me to honor myself and give myself the time and space apart I need.
Goes back again to listening to my inner voice, really.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

New page

I have now resolved all the unfinished business I still had with Ireland.
Have closed my bank account, which was the last thing I had there.
It feels good.
One page is truly turned now.
The next page is still quite white, and sometimes makes me anxious with the infinity of possibilities it offers. I could do anything. So I am now trying to narrow down to what I really want to do, and start doing it. Starting with how to start doing it.
Not always easy, but always exciting.
We'll see what comes.
Doing the camino brought new questions, and a new depth to my reflections.
There is still plenty to do, booking the flight to the USA, finding a place to stay, finding something to do there, starting to earn money somehow, etc...
But there is also plenty to be, and that is beautiful.
I know that, as long as I am faithful to who I am and what I am here for, all will be well.

Monday, August 6, 2007

Discovering writing again

The Harry Potter days have gone.
I finished the book on Saturday, devoured the half of it I had left in one go.
I just couldn't wait anymore.
And I was very very impressed.
I know I will read it again when I have time, slowly, so I can actually read through all the little paragraphs and clues I missed with my hungry way of reading it.
What a book. Made me feel like writing again.
So I started again.
One baby step at a time.
My aunt, cousin and all her family are here at the moment, so we are 8 people at all times and it makes it difficult to get time apart to truly dive into some writing or preparing for the future.
Today there was a moment though, right before lunch, where I felt I just had to honor myself and write. So after I had wriggled myself out successfully of the lunch preparing duties (there were enough people at it anyways), I went off and wrote for maybe 10 minutes.
When I came back to eat, my mum noticed my gaze looking far far away and asked me if I was still in it. Hmmm. Yes I was.
We'll see what comes in the next few days. I know I will need to make time for writing and taking care of myself.
Possibly a lot of time.

Saturday, August 4, 2007

Harry Potter days

I have at last received the last Harry Potter.
From Amazon, 3 days ago.
Have strained myself to wait one day before starting it, as my brother and his partner were visiting, and I knew my social skills would go down vertiginously as soon as I would start.
Now I have started and am very impressed with myself that I haven't finished it yet.
The temptation was great to read through the night, but I decided to stop reading when the perspective of sleeping was more attractive than continuing the book.
What a book. What a universe.
J.K. Rowling really managed to create a universe that I want to get into and never to leave again. The return to "reality" is always painful and slow.
Dreams of flying brooms and wands follow me in my sleep, and thoughts of what might happen next drop uncontrollably into my mind all day.
And it is the last one.
I really admire J.K. Rowling for starting such a bestseller series of amazing books when she was a single mother, and jobless.
Great inspiration.