Thursday, July 19, 2007

From Santiago to California

Things are moving again.
I feel tired today. Wanted to go straight back to bed after breakfast. So now it is almost 12pm and I am still in my pajamas, doing nothing productive... Ah well.
Apart from that, as I was saying, things are moving again. I checked out the flights to San Francisco, there are some pretty cheap ones.
I decided I wouldn't go by boat the first time, as it would take too much time and money, and would rather use these exploring the area where I want to live, rather than traveling to get there. Also I want to go there for 3 months first, come back to France for Christmas, and then see.

Hmmm getting back to this post, it is 11:30pm. After a nice sunny day where not much productive happened.
Well I helped my mum to sew a top, swam in the swimming pool and spent some time in the sun, and felt pretty miserable all day, for some reason.
I tried to call the US embassy in Paris to check if my visa would still be valid even though I left the company that first helped me to get it, but it seems I have to pay 14.50 Euro to get through to their Visa line, and get the smallest bit of information... And of course, by the time I got to it, it was closed anyway.
I don't want to book my flight before I am sure that my visa is valid.
Also, I have registered myself on a website to find a roommate around San Francisco, as I thought it would be a good way of limiting accommodation cost, and meeting people straight away.
So the good thing is, I feel ready to move on and start thinking about and preparing my stay in California. I am not stuck in Santiago anymore.
But I am still a bit fuzzy headed... I have ideas about what I want to do with my life, but I feel there is something missing. One key that would unite and balance the whole lot maybe. I can feel my mind is searching restlessly, as if I had forgotten to do something but couldn't remember what.
So we'll see how it goes in the next few days.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

14th of July, time to celebrate!

Today is the French national day. I only remembered it in the middle of the afternoon though, and didn't do anything different to mark the day.
BUT
I spent the day with my parents, had a friend over for lunch, and my brother, his partner and her daughters and granddaughter arrived tonight. It is lovely, haven't seen them in a while and I enjoyed the dinner and night together a lot.
So there was a lot of celebrating going on anyway.
I think I am adjusting to the situation and the fact that I just need plenty of rest and relaxing at the moment. Things are perfect as they are.
I am not pushing myself to do things I don't feel like doing yet, but feel the urge to start reading and listening to the seminars and teleclasses I had downloaded a while ago but never listened to, as well as all the newsletters I received and stored without reading while I was walking. I will get to it as soon as my brother and his family leave tomorrow I think.
In the last few days, I have helped my mum to sew some dresses for me. We are still in the middle of the second one, and it is a lot of fun to do it together. I am learning a lot from her, and enjoying it a lot, even though I know that sewing is not one of my passions, and I certainly wouldn't do it for a living. Sewing together feels really like sharing quality time with my mum.
So things are getting better. I am still not feeling really at peace, but becoming less restless.
Life feels a bit less strange.
I am adapting to the new page of my life that is starting.
All is well.

Monday, July 9, 2007

What next?

Yep, this is the question that is in my overactive mind most of the time at the moment.
I can feel that I need time.
I can feel that I am restless.
I can feel that I need to just be for a while.
But my mind is racing, trying to think of the book I want to write, the things I want to sort out, the next steps after the summer, etc...
Nothing is really happening because I am not ready, but I find it hard to just relax, even though I know it is the only thing I need right now.

Anyway today I took the decision not to go on holidays to Crete with my aunts in September. I feel I need to focus my energy around here, spending time with my family, maybe visiting the few relatives and friends I have in France and Switzerland, as I will then probably not see them for a while, when I go to the States. It would have been nice to go, but it doesn't feel like that is where I should focus my time, money and energy right now.

Things are a bit strange at the moment.
I have the feeling I am doing nothing all day. Wasting time. But I know that I couldn't do more even if I wanted it.
So we'll see, I will give myself a bit more time, so I can evacuate the restlessness.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Back home

Well that's it.
I am home again.
After over 12 hours in the train I arrived the day before yesterday in Hendaye, where my parents picked me up. From there I dove straight back into action really.
Yesterday we were invited for lunch at some friends of my parents' on the way back from the Pyrenees, and last night we had a goodbye party for a friend / ex-teacher of mine who is retiring.
This morning I took the train to Bordeaux where I had a doctor's appointment - just a normal check-up, nothing serious, and my aunt drove me back in the afternoon.
I feel almost as if I had never left, but at the same time I cannot forget that I did go.
I can feel my heart is split open. I miss my Camino friends, Renate, Albert, Gabi, Christine, Paolo, and all the people who have counted so much for me, and became my family while I was walking. So I can feel like I am functioning, acting normal in the "real world", answering people's questions and all, but really my head and heart are still somewhere else, around Santiago, still processing the incredible amount of experiences, emotions, insights and encounters I just lived.
It feels like there is a gap between other people and me. Maybe that's why I miss my Camino family so much, because they know what I just went through, they understand what is in my eyes when I look far far away or what my silences mean. And it's OK that people here don't quite get it. How could they anyway? I can try to explain, but there are no words to really express how I feel, how numb, joyful, hopeful and sad I feel all at once.
I feel a bit as if I forgot something, but don't know what it is or where to look for it.
I can feel I need to give myself time to get back. Time to find the peace I am looking for.
I let go of many things at the lighthouse in Finisterre. I felt free, and it all made sense when I left and burnt things on the rocks there, in the fog, with the lighthouse booming its deafening warning to the boats every minute.
Coming back to Santiago, I felt an urgency to get rid of my pilgrim skin, clothes and shoes. I just needed to quickly get new, more feminine clothes and shoes, and perfume to get rid of the pilgrim smell (we had to wash my clothes twice for them to smell normal again!!). Then I had so many people to meet, to say goodbye to, and before I knew it, I was in the train, with my heart half bleeding.
So I suppose I'll just give myself the time and space I need. I will listen to myself even more, and will see how things evolve in the next few days.