OK so it seems my daemon is a wolf. I LOVE IT!! I have to say it feels better than a bee...
I am now reading the third volume of the Northern Lights trilogy. Still loving every bit of it. Very interesting that idea of many worlds that are kinda superposed on top of each other. And windows to go from one to the other.
Went to see the movie in the meantime. Loved Nicole Kidman and Eva Green, but was a bit disappointed by how much the plot was changed compared to the book.
I spent the weekend in Paris with an American friend. I hadn't been in Paris in a long time, and had never really done the touristy thing, like taking a boat on the Seine, going to the Eiffel tower and Notre Dame and all. That was great. Saw Moulin Rouge and the Cafe where Amélie works in the movie. It was a lot of fun.
Now back to Bordeaux. What do I want?
Always back to this question...
Well things are clearer now. I want to be a coach. Life coach kinda thing. And I want to be a writer. So from this, I can start doing things.
I have a few appointments set up this week with people who can help me clarify my next steps. It feels good. Movement again.
As for the writing, it is simple really. I just need to do it.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Friday, January 18, 2008
My Daemon
I am reading the Golden Compass at the moment. Haven't seen the movie yet, would love to see it as soon as I can.
In the meantime, I found the link to meeting my own Daemon (half soul, half best friend) on Darcy's blog (http://darxyanne.blogspot.com), so here it is:
What do you think? Does it fit my personality? You have 12 days to give your feedback, and then the Daemon will settle into its final form...
Game on!
In the meantime, I found the link to meeting my own Daemon (half soul, half best friend) on Darcy's blog (http://darxyanne.blogspot.com), so here it is:
What do you think? Does it fit my personality? You have 12 days to give your feedback, and then the Daemon will settle into its final form...
Game on!
Thursday, January 17, 2008
City life and connection
It is not so easy to really connect with people in a city. There are more people to connect with than in the country side, but they are also often more guarded.
And so far it has been quite hard to even find someone who was open enough to engaging a conversation. But yesterday I found a little cafe that felt good. Sort of community cafe, focusing on serving organic local produce and being open to local life and exchanges. There I could connect with people. It felt good.
So I am going to go back there today and see how it feels.
I can feel things are starting to move. Most importantly I am starting to drop my resistance.
Since I came back from San Francisco I felt like the most important thing for me was to find some way to get back there asap. Yet when I am in that space I miss the whole point.
The most important thing for me is to be here, now.
It doesn't even matter if I ever go back to San Francisco in my whole life. While I am here, now, I want to be here and now 100%. Open, relaxed, enjoying my time and what I am doing.
I have had huge resistance to it. I felt like the only people I wanted to be with, the only people I could connect with and be open with were the ones I met in San Francisco. I felt scarce. Like there were not enough like-minded people here for me to connect with them.
I have realized that it was an illusion, a self-made construct.
There is abundance. Here as well.
And so far it has been quite hard to even find someone who was open enough to engaging a conversation. But yesterday I found a little cafe that felt good. Sort of community cafe, focusing on serving organic local produce and being open to local life and exchanges. There I could connect with people. It felt good.
So I am going to go back there today and see how it feels.
I can feel things are starting to move. Most importantly I am starting to drop my resistance.
Since I came back from San Francisco I felt like the most important thing for me was to find some way to get back there asap. Yet when I am in that space I miss the whole point.
The most important thing for me is to be here, now.
It doesn't even matter if I ever go back to San Francisco in my whole life. While I am here, now, I want to be here and now 100%. Open, relaxed, enjoying my time and what I am doing.
I have had huge resistance to it. I felt like the only people I wanted to be with, the only people I could connect with and be open with were the ones I met in San Francisco. I felt scarce. Like there were not enough like-minded people here for me to connect with them.
I have realized that it was an illusion, a self-made construct.
There is abundance. Here as well.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
City life, soon
I am going to Bordeaux tomorrow evening. Will stay there for the week, and it will probably be my base for a while.
From there, I will be able to move around without a car, with public transports and walking. I will also be able to meet people and maybe find some kind of job.
Thinking about it feels like a breath of fresh air.
I will be staying at my aunts in Bordeaux, which gives me a stable base to start my investigations from.
I am looking forward to it. It is not easy to be in the middle of the countryside without a car. I love spending time with my parents, but I feel stuck. I need to get on with my life and start doing something for myself.
Well no.
I don't need to do so much. I need to trust.
Trusting my intuition is part of it. And my intuition tells me to go to Bordeaux.
Packing again... I realize how I don't like packing. Yet I do it all the time. What do I take, what will I need. Another opportunity to just trust.
I am so tired right now. I think I'll go to sleep and will finish tomorrow...
From there, I will be able to move around without a car, with public transports and walking. I will also be able to meet people and maybe find some kind of job.
Thinking about it feels like a breath of fresh air.
I will be staying at my aunts in Bordeaux, which gives me a stable base to start my investigations from.
I am looking forward to it. It is not easy to be in the middle of the countryside without a car. I love spending time with my parents, but I feel stuck. I need to get on with my life and start doing something for myself.
Well no.
I don't need to do so much. I need to trust.
Trusting my intuition is part of it. And my intuition tells me to go to Bordeaux.
Packing again... I realize how I don't like packing. Yet I do it all the time. What do I take, what will I need. Another opportunity to just trust.
I am so tired right now. I think I'll go to sleep and will finish tomorrow...
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Fog
I feel like I am sitting in a bubble bath in the fog. Things are boiling, but I have no idea where I am, where is my next step, or where I bloody well left my towel, shoes and clothes...
It is uncomfortable.
Yet I get the feeling this is exactly where I am supposed to be. Here in the fog, not knowing where to go next. Baby steps. First step up in the water, look down right beside the bath. Look here is the towel. First baby step.
Right now my baby step is to go to the company creation workshop tomorrow. It will take all day, and then we'll see. I will have a clearer view of what it takes to create a company in France.
Then, the second baby step is to move to Bordeaux, stay at my aunts, in the city where I will be able to move around freely with public transport, meet people, maybe even find some kind of money-making activity!
And then we'll see.
One step at a time.
It is uncomfortable.
Yet I get the feeling this is exactly where I am supposed to be. Here in the fog, not knowing where to go next. Baby steps. First step up in the water, look down right beside the bath. Look here is the towel. First baby step.
Right now my baby step is to go to the company creation workshop tomorrow. It will take all day, and then we'll see. I will have a clearer view of what it takes to create a company in France.
Then, the second baby step is to move to Bordeaux, stay at my aunts, in the city where I will be able to move around freely with public transport, meet people, maybe even find some kind of money-making activity!
And then we'll see.
One step at a time.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Isabel Allende
Just watched the House of Spirits on TV, and then there was a beautiful documentary on Isabel Allende, where she talked about her life and books.
She is such an inspiration.
Watching her talk fast in Spanish - with a French voice-over - and I feel her spirit. I feel as though she is my sister. As if our souls are related. I feel her. I know what she means. My stomach churns at the thought of what she went through. Her characters grip me and speak to me so deeply I can barely hear their voice. She knows how to get through to the place where there are no words anymore, where a look is enough, where things are felt that can't be expressed, because no language has enough words.
She is there.
I read her books and feel like she read my soul. I read her books and I feel like I remember.
That's why I write. That's how I want to write.
She is such an inspiration.
Watching her talk fast in Spanish - with a French voice-over - and I feel her spirit. I feel as though she is my sister. As if our souls are related. I feel her. I know what she means. My stomach churns at the thought of what she went through. Her characters grip me and speak to me so deeply I can barely hear their voice. She knows how to get through to the place where there are no words anymore, where a look is enough, where things are felt that can't be expressed, because no language has enough words.
She is there.
I read her books and feel like she read my soul. I read her books and I feel like I remember.
That's why I write. That's how I want to write.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
What next?
This transition is not easy.
I am starting to think that my plan of being back in San Francisco within the next 2 months might be a teeny bit too optimistic... That makes me feel sad, disappointed and discouraged.
Yet I am very aware that I am creating my own reality, right now.
And right now I am oozing fear and scarcity rather than joy, grace and abundance.
I am finding it hard to go back to feeling abundant, and at the same time I know that the more I feel scarce, the more I attract scarcity. Hmmm not helping.
I am not sure what is my next step.
Well, there are two next steps for this week: one is tomorrow, where I am going to the town hall to apply for the RMI (revenu minimum d'insertion), which is the minimum amount of financial help the state will give to people who don't qualify for unemployment benefit. About €400/month or so... Already something. Argh and here I am so much in scarcity again.
The second step is more positive: it is the company creation workshop on Friday. That should be really interesting. We'll see what comes out of it.
I have the feeling that instead of focusing so much energy trying to find a job on the internet, I could decide to spend time clarifying and narrowing down what I want to do. What do I really want my days to look like? Where and how do I want to spend my energy? What do I want to achieve professionally?
Yes that feels like a good idea.
Let's see what comes from it.
I am starting to think that my plan of being back in San Francisco within the next 2 months might be a teeny bit too optimistic... That makes me feel sad, disappointed and discouraged.
Yet I am very aware that I am creating my own reality, right now.
And right now I am oozing fear and scarcity rather than joy, grace and abundance.
I am finding it hard to go back to feeling abundant, and at the same time I know that the more I feel scarce, the more I attract scarcity. Hmmm not helping.
I am not sure what is my next step.
Well, there are two next steps for this week: one is tomorrow, where I am going to the town hall to apply for the RMI (revenu minimum d'insertion), which is the minimum amount of financial help the state will give to people who don't qualify for unemployment benefit. About €400/month or so... Already something. Argh and here I am so much in scarcity again.
The second step is more positive: it is the company creation workshop on Friday. That should be really interesting. We'll see what comes out of it.
I have the feeling that instead of focusing so much energy trying to find a job on the internet, I could decide to spend time clarifying and narrowing down what I want to do. What do I really want my days to look like? Where and how do I want to spend my energy? What do I want to achieve professionally?
Yes that feels like a good idea.
Let's see what comes from it.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Unemployment administration
What a day!
I spent about 4 hours today going from one administration to the next to register as an unemployed person, check if I am eligible for unemployment benefit (turns out I am not), get the papers to register for the social security (haven't been registered in at least 6 years), get the papers to ask for the little bit of money I can claim when I have no other rights, and talk to the employment agency to look for a job.
Phew!
Now I am back home, and actually feel much better than yesterday. First, because I took care of all that admin stuff (still have a few things to do on Monday, but the worst is done).
And also, because it gave me new ideas and insights.
1. There is an organism in Bordeaux that helps people to find jobs in foreign countries. Wouldn't it be great if they had a job for me in San Francisco?? Will investigate.
2. I signed up for a one day workshop next Friday on how to create a business. Useful information I need to have if I want to do anything on my own, even if it is to create something on the web, or to give healing sessions at home...
3. How about I go to my aunts in Bordeaux for a while and look for a job in Bordeaux? Would be incredibly easier for me to live there when I don't have a car, as it is a city, with public transport and all, and they have more potential jobs for me than the few 2000-people-towns in my neighborhood here... My aunts agreed, so I might just do that, after the business creation workshop next week...
I feel so much lighter.
I can feel the abundance that is in my life again.
So to celebrate, I am going to the cinema tonight!
I spent about 4 hours today going from one administration to the next to register as an unemployed person, check if I am eligible for unemployment benefit (turns out I am not), get the papers to register for the social security (haven't been registered in at least 6 years), get the papers to ask for the little bit of money I can claim when I have no other rights, and talk to the employment agency to look for a job.
Phew!
Now I am back home, and actually feel much better than yesterday. First, because I took care of all that admin stuff (still have a few things to do on Monday, but the worst is done).
And also, because it gave me new ideas and insights.
1. There is an organism in Bordeaux that helps people to find jobs in foreign countries. Wouldn't it be great if they had a job for me in San Francisco?? Will investigate.
2. I signed up for a one day workshop next Friday on how to create a business. Useful information I need to have if I want to do anything on my own, even if it is to create something on the web, or to give healing sessions at home...
3. How about I go to my aunts in Bordeaux for a while and look for a job in Bordeaux? Would be incredibly easier for me to live there when I don't have a car, as it is a city, with public transport and all, and they have more potential jobs for me than the few 2000-people-towns in my neighborhood here... My aunts agreed, so I might just do that, after the business creation workshop next week...
I feel so much lighter.
I can feel the abundance that is in my life again.
So to celebrate, I am going to the cinema tonight!
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Beginnings
I made a decision.
Enough of pyramid schemes and snowball schemes (found out the website I set up is actually illegal in France, would potentially bring a 4500 Euros fine and a year in jail, not to mention the closing of my paypal account... So I took the site down and removed the ads I had placed that linked to it).
They bring me away from where I want to go.
And I end up spending a lot of time on the web, getting all frustrated because I have to do things I really don't want to spend time on, e.g. advertising a scam...
It makes me anxious and annoyed and really gives me the feeling that I am wasting my time - which I am.
So now back to the beginning, not knowing where to start, not quite knowing what to do, or in which direction to go first.
I find it hard to let go and just trust. I feel like I should hysterically do things to get myself out of this stage of not knowing, but the more I do, the more fog there is around me and the less I know where to go.
Sometimes I'd like someone else to tell me what to do. Yet I know so well that I won't accept anyone else directing my path anymore. No way.
Enough of pyramid schemes and snowball schemes (found out the website I set up is actually illegal in France, would potentially bring a 4500 Euros fine and a year in jail, not to mention the closing of my paypal account... So I took the site down and removed the ads I had placed that linked to it).
They bring me away from where I want to go.
And I end up spending a lot of time on the web, getting all frustrated because I have to do things I really don't want to spend time on, e.g. advertising a scam...
It makes me anxious and annoyed and really gives me the feeling that I am wasting my time - which I am.
So now back to the beginning, not knowing where to start, not quite knowing what to do, or in which direction to go first.
I find it hard to let go and just trust. I feel like I should hysterically do things to get myself out of this stage of not knowing, but the more I do, the more fog there is around me and the less I know where to go.
Sometimes I'd like someone else to tell me what to do. Yet I know so well that I won't accept anyone else directing my path anymore. No way.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Internet, and patience
I spent a lot of time on the internet today.
Signed up for one of these stupid pyramid schemes, and before giving up on it altogether and accepting that my 30 euros were lost, I thought why not try and give it a chance? So I spent time looking at advertising on the web, how to generate traffic, etc... I am sure this learning time is going to be useful later, pyramid scheme or not.
I feel a bit spaced out now though. Being on a computer all day tends to do that to me...
I want to spend a bit of time taking care of my cafepress shop and setting it up properly, and researching all the blogging possibilities and ways of earning money through blogging.
I also took an appointment with the Social Welfare office for Friday, so I also deal with the administrative details linked with me being here and officially unemployed. So far I have been impressed with French administration, as people were actually really nice and helpful on the phone!
And beside all that, I feel like I am boiling up inside. I want things to go faster, to be clearer, and to allow me to plan properly. Right now I am pedaling in a yogurt-like substance, and it feels exhausting and frustrating.
Patience, I guess...
Signed up for one of these stupid pyramid schemes, and before giving up on it altogether and accepting that my 30 euros were lost, I thought why not try and give it a chance? So I spent time looking at advertising on the web, how to generate traffic, etc... I am sure this learning time is going to be useful later, pyramid scheme or not.
I feel a bit spaced out now though. Being on a computer all day tends to do that to me...
I want to spend a bit of time taking care of my cafepress shop and setting it up properly, and researching all the blogging possibilities and ways of earning money through blogging.
I also took an appointment with the Social Welfare office for Friday, so I also deal with the administrative details linked with me being here and officially unemployed. So far I have been impressed with French administration, as people were actually really nice and helpful on the phone!
And beside all that, I feel like I am boiling up inside. I want things to go faster, to be clearer, and to allow me to plan properly. Right now I am pedaling in a yogurt-like substance, and it feels exhausting and frustrating.
Patience, I guess...
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
100th post - Happy New Year
This is the 100th post I am writing on this blog.
Wow.
When I remember where and who I was when I started it, I can't help but being amazed at last year's journey.
Now the question is: what am I going to build for 2008?
What do I want? What am I going to create?
I feel like I could do anything, I just need to choose what I actually want.
One thing I know is that I want to go back to San Francisco as soon as possible.
And I want abundance. I want to have the resources I need to do anything I want to do.
I want to open up and expand and share more of who I am.
I feel like I have gone through a long and deep internalization era, and now the time is coming for me to go outwards.
And it feels good.
So we'll see what comes, and how it comes.
Wow.
When I remember where and who I was when I started it, I can't help but being amazed at last year's journey.
Now the question is: what am I going to build for 2008?
What do I want? What am I going to create?
I feel like I could do anything, I just need to choose what I actually want.
One thing I know is that I want to go back to San Francisco as soon as possible.
And I want abundance. I want to have the resources I need to do anything I want to do.
I want to open up and expand and share more of who I am.
I feel like I have gone through a long and deep internalization era, and now the time is coming for me to go outwards.
And it feels good.
So we'll see what comes, and how it comes.
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