Last day of 2007

I wanted to post today, on the last day of the year.
Mostly to say thank you.
I am so grateful for the year I have had.
I have experienced so many things, moved through so many things, changed and transformed and transitioned again and again.
I have had a whole year where I could just live and enjoy life without working. I felt abundance was just flowing effortlessly to and through me. I could move freely towards any experience I truly wanted to have without restraint.
I have met incredible people. All the people I met while I was walking on the path to Santiago de Compostela, Renate, Gabi, Albert, Bianca, Sheila, Christine, and all the others. I have kept in touch with some, but all have touched me and brought me closer to myself.
Then the beautiful summer where I could spend some quality time with my parents and family, and with my family in Switzerland and have incredible connections there too.
And then, cherry on the cake, San Francisco, and all the people I have met there and who have become part of my family.
I feel so blessed and thankful for all I was given in 2007, and all I was allowed to give and share.
Today I feel light and loved and joyful. I know I am on my way.

Winter night lit by a fire

I am sitting with my laptop on my knees, cuddled up on the couch right beside the fireplace.
My dad has lit a fire, it is not very warm yet, but the sight of it makes me feel warmer.
I spent most of my day on my computer, and typing, like playing the piano, tends to make me feel very cold, especially my hands. So I am warming up, with the heat and love of the fire my dad prepared at my request.
My brother and his girlfriend have just arrived. I can hear the noises and sounds of their arrival. I can feel my mum's excitement, and in a few moments they are going to open the door to the sitting room and I will greet them.
But right now I am enjoying this quiet moment where I can feel all these people around me, but I am slightly apart from them. It feels like I am taking distance to run and jump into the pool.
OK now I can feel the energy building up inside my chest. The door is opening, it's just my dad, amazed that I didn't go to greet them yet. I joke and laugh with him, but now I want to go. Jump into the pool.

Dr. Jivago and unemployment benefit

Just watched the new version of Dr. Jivago with Keira Knightley.
Well I watched parts of it. Caught it in the middle, and was trying to get a printer to work at the same time so I didn't follow the whole of it - especially considering the length of the movie...
But the ending caught me.
I loved the way Keira Knightley acts, the depth of feeling I can feel through her and in her.
And the little boy is really good as well.
It distracted me for a little while, so I didn't have to think about what is really going on, and what I have to do.
I was sure it was Friday today. All day. So I wondered how come all the administrations I was calling were closed...
I was trying to call the Social Security - need to get registered with them again.
And then also the Social Welfare, and the Unemployment office...
All these things I really don't feel like doing, but feel like I need to do.
So now I am tensed.
Tensed because I did nothing on my to-do list (guess that's self inflicted, I forgot we were Saturday), and because of the whole internet thing I posted about yesterday and I am not sure if it is going to work out - not sure I want it to work out either.
Argh.
There is nothing I can do about any of it right now.
Yet I feel restless still.
Maybe I should just go and watch another movie.

Restless

I felt restless today.
I feel like I need to start earning money now, or real soon.
And I want to earn money from home.
Some kind of internet business would be ideal.
I just had a look on the internet, and signed up for something. We'll see if anything comes out of it at all.
I just need something to start. Something that doesn't take too much time or energy, so I have enough time and energy left to work on what I really want to do. Hopefully I signed up for just that.
I can feel anxiety tightening my stomach. My eyes are itchy, my legs restless.
I will go away from the internet for a little while now, need to do something different.

Be wise

I have noticed today that in French, when we want to tell a kid to be good, the word we use translates directly into "be wise" ("sois sage").
How interesting, that we expect a kid to be wise.
What does it actually mean?
Wisdom is a feature we typically expect to get with age. The "wise man/woman" is rarely pictured as a 20 year old... Let alone a 3 year old...
The encyclopedia Britannica tells us that wise means "characterized by wisdom : marked by deep understanding, keen discernment, and a capacity for sound judgment". Knowledge, insight, judgment. Can a kid have that?
Sometimes I feel like yes, they can. They can have a deeper sense of wisdom than many adults sometimes. Do they remember stuff we have forgotten throughout our years of conditioning?
I am wondering at the moment how I would be around my kids if I had any.
I look at my nephews and their parents, and really wonder how I would do things.
The more I look at it, the less judgment I have on how my brother and his wife are doing things.
Parents do the best they can, really.
And let's face it, our kids will probably need therapy anyway, no matter what we do...

Money, consciousness and abundance

Things are settling down.
The energy is coming down from Christmas.
I can feel myself becoming restless and impatient inside.
I find it hard to be present here and now, no matter what.
Difficult one...
I want to be conscious and present while I am in France.
To stay aware of what is going on, even when I want to fall asleep and shutdown.
To try and stay conscious 5 more seconds before I react and get angry, sad, or frustrated. During these 5 seconds, the miracle can happen where I don't need to react anymore. Or not, but every 5 seconds more I can wait before reacting, I am learning something more about myself, my dynamics and my patterns.
Well worth it.
But at the moment, I just want to fall asleep and indulge in feeling like I want to be somewhere else, doing something else, with someone else.
Yet I don't quite know where I'd like to be, what I'd like to do, or with whom.
I know there are things to sort out before I can go anywhere.
MONEY. I need to find a way to earn money.
I want to earn money from home. I want to be able to work from home, wherever home is. I want to be able to work in my slippers and bathrobe if I so choose.
I want to be able to earn money from France, Switzerland, California or Honolulu if I want to.
I want to feel abundant. Right now, I don't feel abundant. I am painfully aware of my savings running very very thin in my bank account. I NEED TO DO SOMETHING is my background thought. The one that tightens my stomach and wakes me up hyperventilating.
Enough with the scarcity thoughts.
I can live in abundance. I just need to choose it.
When I feel scarce in money, I feel scarce in everything in my life: love, food, security. Scarcity makes me want to crawl back to bed in the middle of the day and sleep for a very long time.
Yet life around me is abundant.
Why can't I see it? Why can't I feel it?
Or rather, why do I choose not to see and feel it?

Christmas Day

Today looking out the window feels like looking into a cotton ball.
There is a wing of fog that folds around the landscape. It feels like Christmas.
There is no snow here, but it is a white Christmas nevertheless.
I am listening to the Messiah (Haendel) in my room with my two aunts sitting around, chatting and reading and I am catching up with all the emails I haven't answered in months.
It is sometimes embarrassing to answer emails so late, but I figured Christmas Day is a good time to get back in touch with people.
Also, Christmas Day is always a bit slower here. A sort of recovery, mellow day.
The energy goes down from the high of Christmas Eve where we celebrate, exchange presents and have kids running around like headless chicken...
Kids are more grumpy or whiny today, still playing with yesterday's new presents, but the energy is definitely coming down.
We are tired, and feel like reading, listening to music, taking a nap, checking email and watching movies. Nothing too exciting. But still the togetherness.
Playing games is great for Christmas Day. We are still 10 people around the house today, so we can really play board games and have fun.
We'll probably do that later on, after kids and grown-ups have woken up from their nap...

Christmas eve

Christmas eve - I remember when I was a kid... The excitement of this day. There would be presents and everyone together and good food and singing and playing music and going to bed late. Most often there would be me throwing up at some point too... Not sure if it was just too much excitement or too much food - maybe a combination of both.
Today things are different.
My brother's kids are excited, not sure they quite feel the way I used to feel then though.
I am enjoying the company and sharing and connection with my family much more than I used to. And I don't care about presents anymore. Maybe I care more about the food...
And I don't throw up anymore. I probably can hold more energy (and more food) than then...
Again, let's not talk so fast, the night is still young, and I did get sick last New Year's Eve (nothing to do with the drinking, I swear, just couldn't digest the strange frozen cake that had been brought by a friend for dessert)...
Things are different today. I am different. I don't care about the same things anymore.
I feel so grateful for my family and the way I feel loved even when nothing is said.
I feel loved even though there are many things I can't quite share, many things they wouldn't understand about me. It doesn't matter. I don't have to explain.
They can feel me. They love me.
I love them.
It is enough.

Awake

It is 6:39 am and I am awake since 4:45 or so... Jetlag...
So instead of tossing and turning in bed I decided to grab my laptop and write...
There is a very particular feeling associated with being awake when everyone else sleeps around. Part of it may be the worry that I'll want to be asleep when everyone else is awake ;-)
But there is also something fresh and unique about it. It feels like I have a blank page I can write on right now. I can choose anything. It is so early.
The whole house is still wrapped in the slumbers of sleep. I can hear noise now. I think my father is waking up. I feel like I am watching. Listening. Being very present.
My eyes are burning with tiredness a bit, but I know that if I try to switch off the light and close them again, I will only be thinking and watching movies inside my head until I decide that I have enough, and finally get up.
I am getting hungry. My body really has no idea that it is really early and I should be sleeping. It is telling me it is time for breakfast and that's it!
Well, maybe I will just get up and feed myself... It is now 7 am.

Back home

Well, I am back home, and heavily jetlagged...
It took me almost 24 hours door to door to get home, finally, between the flight delays and lost luggage and all...
But I got home safely, and am now settled in my room again.
As if San Francisco hadn't happened.
Yet it has happened and I feel different. Changed. At a very deep level.
I look at things and people differently.
I want to go back there, and settle there, and am not quite sure how yet, but I don't feel anxious about it, or impatient to know what will happen or how things will unfold.

I am back home, back into the strongest and oldest dynamics and patterns or my life.
Back into my yearning to be seen and loved, my desire to fit in and my fear of not fitting in. This is where it all started. As such, it is a very powerful place to be.
It holds a lot of drama and also potential for growth. This is how I want to see it.
It took me a while to get used to the idea of coming back home.
I was in San Francisco, and had these intense moments of repeating thoughts going wild with "I don't want to go back, I don't want to go back, I don't want to go back". And one day suddenly it shifted. I let go of the fear of coming back home. I also let go of the fear of how am I going to go back there, when will it be, what kind of visa, how do I get such a visa, etc...
Everything just dropped to a state of acceptance, and I can see the challenge I face, and how I can make the best of it, and how it is a beautiful place to be.
It is funny how every time I came back home after being away it took me a while to adjust, and during that time I felt pulled. My energy was not really here, it was still somewhere else.
And right now, it is different. My energy is here. It stays with me, no matter where I am. So I can stay present and take care of myself.

Wow! I have changed.