What a sunny day to write!

I started to write this morning, and here is what came:

It is a sunny day.
Started cold, but sunny.
Something already.
Felt cold all night, what with the window wide open.
Now I am in a rather good mood.
Talked to a good friend of mine last night.
I hadn’t talked to him in almost 4 months.
He always makes me feel good. Reminds me of where the priorities are, and what makes life worthwhile.
Now I have to act on it.
So I start by writing.
35 minutes, as he said.
Start with that. Then we’ll see.
Maybe you will feel like writing more later on in the day.
But start with 35 minutes.
And then stop.
No matter what, stop.
Ok, I said. I will do it.
I heard him smile as he hung up.
Now I am here, and what.
Thinking of all the things I have to do.
All the things I have to think of.
It is not that easy to concentrate for 35 minutes.
But maybe I don’t really have to concentrate.
Who knows.
So soon I will be leaving the country.
Going somewhere where I have never been. Scary.
Exciting as well, but bloody well scary.
Why do I keep doing things like that?
Why can’t I find a job in my own country, have an active social security number and health insurance, find a husband, have kids, and then maybe bitch about it all?
Well that’s why.
I don’t want to bitch about my life.
I want to create my life so I love it.
Maybe it is the other way around.
Maybe I am supposed to love my life first, no matter what it holds, and trust that the changes will come from themselves?
Keeping in mind all the self help books I read. And I read many.
They all seem like that is it when I read them. Like at last I have the truth and if I follow their principles I will be happy. And then I follow the principles for a week and then I stop. Too unnatural.
I wish I could find a method that allows me to be happy without having to do things that seem to go against me, and require discipline.
Do I lack discipline? Yet I thought I could push myself a lot. I used to.
So what happened?
It seems that as I left the mould in order to create my life, I lost my entire rigor, my love for making plans and sticking to them, like the study plans I created and followed all my student life.
Now I am supposed to be creating something that makes me feel good, so I don’t do a thing. Because thinking about how to do it, trying to plan it etc… would not make me feel good.
Hmmm… Am I reaching some kind of deadlock?
Or maybe I am just still in my sludgy transition time and the only thing I need to do is honor it and love myself.
I wish we were born with some kind of user manual. Although if we were, we would probably do what we do with all user manuals – not read it and try to figure it out ourselves. Also it would probably take away a lot of the joy of figuring it out.
I don’t like slow times so much. I feel like I am here for great things, and great things mean living fast.
But then when I do live fast, it gets a bit too fast and I often wish I had more time to rest and relax. Never happy, am I?
Yet I can feel an incredible joy, deep in my stomach, a joy that pushes me to sing and whistle out loud all the time, even when I don’t know what to do, doubt about what I am here for, and feel that really I should be doing something…
Things are moving though. I can feel it deep in my body, deep in my soul. Even without “doing” anything, I am moving forward.
Always stay true to yourself.
Yes.
That’s what I want to do.
No compromise about that.
I want to stay true, and genuine. I want my mistakes, my pains, my joys, my discoveries to be real and from my heart.
So far, so good.
I find it hard not to know.
I wish I could have a glimpse of what the future holds. At the same time, I don’t want to spoil it. I know the future is as good as I make it in the present moment. Maybe what I wish more is that I knew the purpose, or the reason.
Why is more important than what.
Much more.
What will depend on how I interpret the why.
Interesting.