I have started to realize in the last few weeks how much I built my life in opposition.
Ha. I thought I was centered, balanced and rather at peace with myself. Well guess what! I seem to be rather good at keeping nice soft and comfortable illusions for myself...
I wanted to draw, paint, sing and be a musician. My brothers were excellent at music and graphical arts so I started writing.
I wanted to study English. My brother and mum were English teachers. So I studied German.
My brother spent some time in Canada and in the US. I went to Ireland and Germany.
I always put myself down, and felt not worthy of my family. So I developed myself in directions that had not been explored in the family yet. A pioneer, always.
A pioneer to escape from the illusions I had created and couldn't face.
Now I am facing them, one by one.
It's time.
I am settling in Bordeaux. I am staying in France. For the first time in 10 years.
I am building something new. But I don't want to build in opposition anymore. I want to build what feels good to me now regardless of what others think or have done.
I want to remember who I really am and the power I actually have.
And I want to forgive myself for keeping myself down all these years.
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2 comments:
There is so much power in building with what 'is' versus what 'is not'. Glad to hear you're not beating yourself up for creating the space to learn that lesson.
Thanks Jess.
I love your comments and our "new" connection.
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