Commitment

OK.
I am going to raise the heat here. For myself.
I will share with you the decision I have made. Which makes me then accountable.
My birthday is on Friday. I turn 30 on Friday, and I have decided to offer myself the gift of clarity for my birthday.
A few days ago I received a newsletter I get regularly from Tama Kieves at http://www.awakeningartistry.com/
She talked about commitment.
The paragraph that most hit home was:

When I was deciding what career direction to move in, I was terrified of making a mistake. I didn't want to waste my time, so of course I wasted my time by obstinately not doing anything. I didn't want to go forward in the wrong direction. But the problem was-- I wasn't going forward in any direction. After a while, options turn into dead fish. They start smelling up the room. It's the aroma of guilt and waste and passing time. You need to use your options while they're fresh. I felt haunted and frustrated and depleted all at the same time. Finally, a friend of mine said to me "Why not commit fully for now? You don't have to commit to forever. Just commit fully for now."

That felt like I was reading exactly about myself. And it was uncomfortable.
And then she said: "Commitment brings clarity".

So these last few days are filled with nervousness, fear and excitement while I survey what my options are, and spend time feeling where my heart wants to go.
Holy crap. Now I am really accountable.

Anger and choice

I am in a bad mood today.
Well not a bad mood as such.
More a mood to listen to Skunk Anansie. That says it all.
I haven't been listening to that kind of music in ages. Today it felt so good.
I can feel that I have liters of withheld anger and grief. So a music that I can scream with feels good.

Of course there is a story that explains why I am angry. There are even a few different stories. But they are not that interesting. Or necessary.
So right now my choice is to stay with the anger, with the sensations in my body, and ride it until it subsides.
Ha!

New nephew

I have a new nephew!!
Born on the 13th of April, he is tiny, and gorgeous and seems to spend most of his time sleeping so far.
Which is great, because it means he doesn't cry so much. His name is Baptiste, and there is a French saying that says "tranquille comme Baptiste" (calm as Baptiste). His name suits him beautifully!
And he is sooooo cute!
I have been at my brother's for the past 2 days, with my parents, and will stay until tomorrow. I have met the new little boy yesterday, when he came back from the maternity with his mother. It has been bliss to hold him, discover his little face and the warmth of his small, soft body.
How different he is from his two brothers. He looks most like his eldest brother, but is different as well. His brothers seem to be very happy of the new arrival, but I also heard the little one ask: "so when is he leaving?".
Hmmm. There is still some explaining to do.

And tonight, we are celebrating my birthday. Both my brothers will be there, and that feels special. I haven't celebrated my birthday with them in ages, probably not since my 18th birthday or so. OK, so it is a bit in advance, my birthday is actually in 13 days, but who cares! Will write more later, better go and see what needs to be done for tonight.

Square One

Just came back from my appointment with the unemployment office.
Three months already since I got registered there.
Three months where I looked in all directions I could think of: working on the internet (and several possibilities there), starting a company, finding a job (again several possibilities there), getting some new training.
OK it doesn't look like I did nothing.
It doesn't look like I know what I want either.
Damn. I am back to square one.
What DO I want?
What is my project?
What CAN I do NOW?
WHERE do I want to do it?
Where CAN I do it?
Ultimately the where is the only thing I am sure of: San Francisco.
There rest is a bit wobbly.
I can feel that I have the answers to all these questions somewhere inside myself. So how come they are not coming out? Now would be a good time, really....

But maybe getting back to square one means something else. Maybe it means surrender. De-constructing all the thoughts, fears and anxiety I have built around my life project. Going back to the ground.
What do I want ultimately. Beyond what it might look like.
What do I want that I would not compromise on.
I know that.
I want purpose, connection and abundance.
I want to connect in a meaningful, deep, truthful and conscious way with many people every day.
I want to wake up and do everything I do with a sense of purpose, knowing I am in alignment with who I am and who I want to be. Otherwise, it doesn't make sense.
And I want to enjoy around me the abundance that is already in me.
OK so this is the background.
This is the core of what I want.

Now I need to follow my intuition to build my project around that.

Listening to my inner voice

Today is a down day.
Woke up with a strange scratchy feeling in my throat. A little fog in my brain, especially if I move my head fast.
Feeling like I need to clear my throat all the time.
Getting sick again?
I am barely out of my sinusitis. Seems to be taking a long time for my body to recover.
In the meantime, many questions have come and gone.
Switzerland feels like a faraway dream, but doesn't quite feel quite right to me now. Nothing came out of the few things I tried in that direction. Maybe I didn't try with enough heart. Maybe it is not the way to go. Maybe the answer will come a bit later.
I am getting stronger in myself. It feels better to listen to my inner voice. And right now it is saying: stay put. You are exactly where you need to be. Follow your intuition every day, see where it leads you. Don't panic, no need for anxiety. You are taken care of at every moment of every day.
Yes.
So I stay in that sort of waiting paradigm. I have left the cliff, and am hanging in mid-air, have not quite landed anywhere yet. It feels like I am floating on a cloud, it is not painful, only a bit cold sometimes, and a bit lonely. I am learning to trust the instruments, even if I can't see the ground in front of me.
And still, I am learning to RECEIVE. It is not that easy to receive gracefully.
We are used to keep counting. If we receive something it means we owe something to someone. And it feels uncomfortable, almost shameful, until we have given something back, and we are even. But receiving unconditionally is something else entirely. It means being grateful for everything that is given to me, and being graceful about it. Receiving doesn't mean I am alienated. And if I keep count of what I am receiving in order to give back later, it is like an offense to the person who is giving to me so wholeheartedly and unconditionally. Feeling guilty, or ashamed, is also an offense.
Nothing is given to me right now with the purpose to alienate me. But I have the choice of how I react. I can feel alienated and like I owe something, or I can feel free and grateful. I believe the point of this situation is for me to learn the latter.
And I am learning about my strength, and how dedicated I am to finding my own path, a path that will be in alignment with who I am and who I want to be, and how I am ready to go until the end of it without compromising my soul. Yes, sometimes I panic. Sometimes I feel like I should get a job, anything, even if it means getting myself again into what I left swearing I would never go back.
But I have more and more moments of peace, where I can see the big picture, and how this transition is important in testing my values and finding out who I really am, and what I am ready to do to realize what I am.
Life is good.
I am grateful.