Switzerland?

OK so yesterday I could feel things were moving. I received many unexpected emails from people in the US, the UK, even Italy. I replied, got replies straight back.
Then my brother sent me a Skype chat. Wow. He is so rarely on Skype, it always feels special when he is.
Have you thought about Switzerland? he asked.
Every time I think about you I have the feeling you should go to Switzerland and work there for a while. It is an intuition I wanted to share with you.
Double wow.
No I haven't thought about it. Never even entered my mind.
So since then my whole being has been buzzing.
I have the Swiss nationality, so it shouldn't be hard to find work there, if there is work to be found.
I have family there who could help me out until I find something.
And if I find something it is likely to be much better paid than in France.
So I called my aunt in Switzerland this morning. She is going to start looking around, keeping her ears and eyes open. She welcomed me to stay in her place any time to look for something from there.
HOLY COW!! Is that my next step?
I feel nervous and excited and scared. My stomach is churning, I feel the irrepressible need to walk around, move, not stop, do something, eat, whatever will calm me down.
OK breathe. Pheeeeewwww...
I have no idea yet. But I will investigate, make a few more calls to Switzerland, and see if any door opens up.

One step forward, one step backward

So do you think I spent a couple of hours every day working on building an internet business since last Wednesday? Or thinking of my priorities, or what kind of business I want?
Nooo...
I don't even know what I bloody well did in the last week.
This seems to be a pattern by now. I start something, get really excited by it, but not for long. Withing the next days/hours/minutes I get disappointed or disillusioned, and just want to give up.
Oh yes I'd really like to have an internet business that works and earns me money. But it's too much effort, and not enough on purpose with what I really want for me to want to invest all that effort...
So I could try and find a short term job that would pay well. I have updated my CV, and learned all about cover letters, but as soon as rejections come in, I just give up and think it's not the right way.
So I could do freelance writing or translating jobs. Put up a profile on E-lance. But everyone has more experience than I do so I don't even bid for any project. It doesn't feel quite good.
So i could use this time to just write. Managed to write 3 days in a row, and then stopped.

My avoidance pattern seems to be eating me alive.
I need to make a decision and go on with it, but nothing feels right, and I don't manage to commit to anything. One step forward, one step backwards. I try all directions, but go back to square one. And don't move.

On the bright side, I can feel stuff is moving deep inside me. On the edge between conscious and unconscious. I am aware of movements, like ebb and flow movements, thick, syrupy wave moving up and down inside me. I don't know what it contains, but I know it's there. And I know that as soon as the dam breaks, there'll be no stopping me...
Until then, well...

Back to the internet...

OK so I am back to the idea of building an internet business. As fast as I can.
So I have signed up for some kind of mentorship that is already starting to disappoint me, but this time I have decided that I've had enough and I will follow-through. I have been a quitter often enough, signing up for something only to be disappointed and give it all up, without even trying to get everything I can from the experience and potential opportunity.
So now I have mentors there to answer my questions in my quest to build an internet business, and I will put them to good use.
One of the things I find difficult in this new venture is the information overload.
I have so many e-books and seminars saved somewhere on my hard drive and that I haven't read or listened to yet.
If I started to really dig into that information - well the mere thought of it feels overwhelming...
So I'll start with the basics.
I need to set up a website. In order to do that, I need to find a good domain name, buy it, find hosting that isn't incredibly expensive but still gives me all I need, and create a first basic page. I don't know anything about html, so I can start with templates. Then, we'll see.
I need to be careful not to overdo it and spend 23 hours non-stop working on the computer, only to get downstairs for breakfast with bloodshot eyes and a depression on the way... I need to pace myself.
Also I need to alternate doing phases with learning phases with play phases with connection with people phases... Otherwise I'll just end up insane within a week...
Oh yes, and remember that I don't need to re-invent the wheel... Ask for help from people who have done it before.
OK I'll leave it here for tonight, we'll see how it goes tomorrow.

Job applications and writing

It's been a while again since I posted here.
It's also been a while since I answered my emails properly. I have at least a dozen emails that are still waiting for a reply.
Strange how I have been checking my email everyday, and even put a note on my calendar a few times to answer them, yet didn't do them. I seem to get engulfed in some other websurfing activities, or other things even.
I have been working on my CV. Learning how to write a CV and cover letter in French. Not that easy...
I had seen an interested ad for a job as a junior HR consultant in a HR consulting company. Sent my CV and cover letter late on Tuesday. Got the negative answer before 9am on Wednesday. Didn't take them long to find out I wasn't what they were looking for.
OK so far it was the first job I was applying for. I am not discouraged. I am thinking of organizing a mailing of all HR consulting businesses in Bordeaux, to see if any of them would offer me an interview. Spontaneous application. Could work.
We'll see.
In the meantime I have committed to writing. A good friend of mine in San Francisco has agreed to keep me up to my word there. To do that we agreed that I would send her every evening what I have written in the day. So I have to write something to be able to send it to her. That should help to discipline me a bit.
These are strange times. It feels like I am a bit up in the air, in between. No idea what is coming next. Not even a hint.

Sunny day

Today has been incredibly sunny. And warm, considering we are still at the beginning of February.
It felt beautiful to sit in the sun this afternoon, my back against the front wall of the house, writing and petting the dog:
She kept trying to get my attention, it was funny. Almost like a game...
I am so grateful for these amazing days. So grateful for everything I am receiving everyday.
This is my lesson at the moment: how can I receive gracefully...
Having nothing of my own, depending on my family is a beautiful lesson of love and grace. They support me unconditionally, throughout this time of transition, and the only thing I have to do is receive as unconditionally as they are giving...

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