First week over

So this is the end of my first week with the business creation program I started on Monday.
Wow.
I am exhausted. I can really feel that I haven't had a regular working rhythm with getting up early and being busy all day in over a year. My body is adjusting.
It is actually going rather well. I already feel less exhausted and like I could fall asleep in the tramway on my way back home in the evening. I feel more excited about what I am doing.
And I feel on purpose. Aligned with what I am here for.
What a feeling.

This week I have met a lot of people, starting with the trainers/teachers, and members of the program. I feel already like I integrated the group really well. I could feel the skepticism in the room when I first presented my project on Monday.
I am going to start a healing business, I said.
Healing? What the hell is that... I could feel the unsaid questions and doubts.
A girl summarized at some stage: so you are giving massages, but without touching the people? And then she made a face.
Uh-oh... This was not going too well.
I tried to explain more. No it is not quite like massages. It is energy work.
Oh they are not getting it. How do I explain what I do to people who don't believe in any of it by principle, and don't know what it is about at all. Sounds like a challenge I might have to face if I want to start that kind of activity in intellectual, philosophical, sensible France.

Yet within the week everything changed.
I had an opportunity to really listen and share with the one person I felt as a bit of a bully. Little by little I felt like I "earned" my space in the group. By the end of the week everything had turned around. People are more open, ask more questions about what I do and are more positive about it.
I noticed throughout the experience how I have changed around and in groups. I used to hate them and feel very ill at ease. I always preferred one-on-one contact and events. Just easier to deal with the energy flow. And this time being in a group, what's more where I didn't choose the members, is working really well. Hey I changed! I grew! Woohoo!

Ok I think I'll go to bed now, will write more about the week's experiences tomorrow or so.

Building in opposition or building forward

I have started to realize in the last few weeks how much I built my life in opposition.
Ha. I thought I was centered, balanced and rather at peace with myself. Well guess what! I seem to be rather good at keeping nice soft and comfortable illusions for myself...
I wanted to draw, paint, sing and be a musician. My brothers were excellent at music and graphical arts so I started writing.
I wanted to study English. My brother and mum were English teachers. So I studied German.
My brother spent some time in Canada and in the US. I went to Ireland and Germany.
I always put myself down, and felt not worthy of my family. So I developed myself in directions that had not been explored in the family yet. A pioneer, always.
A pioneer to escape from the illusions I had created and couldn't face.
Now I am facing them, one by one.
It's time.
I am settling in Bordeaux. I am staying in France. For the first time in 10 years.
I am building something new. But I don't want to build in opposition anymore. I want to build what feels good to me now regardless of what others think or have done.
I want to remember who I really am and the power I actually have.
And I want to forgive myself for keeping myself down all these years.

News at last

It's time to share what's going on again...
It's been a long time. Gee. Over a month.
Well things have been moving.
As soon as I made the decision to commit to something, I started meeting people, discovering organizations and websites that might help me, etc...
My first milestone was the 22nd of May, with the little speech I gave to over 15 people at a friend's house. It went really well, and I even got my first client from it!
Since then I have been working on my website, which is still not online, but I am working on the content.
I have been trying to schedule my time, plan things to do, but after a few weeks of being at it on my own, I realized that I really need help.
I need some kind of very regular support by someone who has already created a company and knows how it works, and what steps to go through when. On my own, I lack the overview on what I need to do. So I feel a bit lost, helpless, and very lonely.
So I went to an entrepreneur fair last week, and was shown how many possibilities are open for me. Wow. How wonderful. Abundance again.
I had a meeting this week with a women organization that has an activity creation support program, and they accepted me in it. Which means that from Monday on, and until the end of October, I will be working on my project with them, in a group of about 8 women who are all creating their company, for 30 hours per week. Here is the regular rhythm I need to get back to, after over a year of sabbatical exploration. What's more, I am paid for doing it! Not much, but enough to motivate me to get out of the state help system. That program will give me everything I need: motivation, support, and a network of people who know how to do what I am doing.
So I have some work to do on my project presentation before Monday, and it's fun!!

As for San Francisco, I realized that now that I am really here with all my energy, I haven't lost the connection with my friends over there. On the contrary. It feels like the connection is clearer. And right now, I don't feel like going there. I don't know how long I will stay in Bordeaux. But for now, this is the place to be. And it feels good.
Phew.

Decision

OK it is time to write here.
Yes I have made a decision.
My decision is to use my energy on building a healing business here in Bordeaux.
I am working on a plan to get there right now. Plenty of things to do, to check out, to prepare. A first gig on the 22nd of May, with a friend who invited me to talk about what I do in front of the 20 something members of her association. She believes quite a few people there would be interested.

It feels good in a way, and depressing in another.
I feel like I am mourning San Francisco, all the friends and hopes I have left there.
And interestingly, it is the first time I do this since I came back. I had managed until now to stay so connected and linked to them, that I almost hadn't noticed I was away. Hence nothing was moving. I wasn't really here.
Now I am regrouping my energy to build something here, and it is slowly sinking in that I won't see them for quite a while, and I am withdrawing my energy from them, from there, and bringing it back here.
It is a bit painful, but it feels good, because I can feel I am getting more centered. More me.

Birthday

I wake up, look at my watch. It is just about 7am.
I smile, turn over to my side, pull the quilt to right under my chin, and close my eyes again.
I can hear the birds singing outside.
It is just perfect.
An hour later, I get up, a sleepy smile still on my face. I go to my bag, where I recover the eleven Millionaire scratch cards I have bought over the last week, as my fun birthday present for myself, take a coin, and walk down the stairs to the kitchen, where everyone - my parents and aunts - is waiting for me with a Happy Birthday already formed on the lips.
I kiss everyone, sit down, and start scratching.
First card nothing. Second nothing. Third nothing.
And suddenly a few cards win a bit, and I end up winning 164€ over the 11 cards. Not bad.
This day feels good.
I feel joyful, empowered, playful.
The sun is shining, it is a pretty warm day, time to wear open shoes.
I am so grateful.