Decision

OK it is time to write here.
Yes I have made a decision.
My decision is to use my energy on building a healing business here in Bordeaux.
I am working on a plan to get there right now. Plenty of things to do, to check out, to prepare. A first gig on the 22nd of May, with a friend who invited me to talk about what I do in front of the 20 something members of her association. She believes quite a few people there would be interested.

It feels good in a way, and depressing in another.
I feel like I am mourning San Francisco, all the friends and hopes I have left there.
And interestingly, it is the first time I do this since I came back. I had managed until now to stay so connected and linked to them, that I almost hadn't noticed I was away. Hence nothing was moving. I wasn't really here.
Now I am regrouping my energy to build something here, and it is slowly sinking in that I won't see them for quite a while, and I am withdrawing my energy from them, from there, and bringing it back here.
It is a bit painful, but it feels good, because I can feel I am getting more centered. More me.

Birthday

I wake up, look at my watch. It is just about 7am.
I smile, turn over to my side, pull the quilt to right under my chin, and close my eyes again.
I can hear the birds singing outside.
It is just perfect.
An hour later, I get up, a sleepy smile still on my face. I go to my bag, where I recover the eleven Millionaire scratch cards I have bought over the last week, as my fun birthday present for myself, take a coin, and walk down the stairs to the kitchen, where everyone - my parents and aunts - is waiting for me with a Happy Birthday already formed on the lips.
I kiss everyone, sit down, and start scratching.
First card nothing. Second nothing. Third nothing.
And suddenly a few cards win a bit, and I end up winning 164€ over the 11 cards. Not bad.
This day feels good.
I feel joyful, empowered, playful.
The sun is shining, it is a pretty warm day, time to wear open shoes.
I am so grateful.

Hey Prophet

Sounds like what I am writing about is bringing up lots of hostility in you. Maybe it's time to look in the mirror for you too.
The only thing you seem to do is destroy anything I might write about, by saying it - or I - is/am worthless, stupid, whatever else.
Let's get some things clear here.
I am completely open to constructive criticism. However, I am NOT your punching ball.
Maybe your comments come from good intention. Maybe you are trying to shake me to what you believe life is about. But the delivery of your last 2 messages has been received here as offensive and negative. And remember, there is what YOU believe life is about, and what I believe life is about. There is your path, and my path. Both might be different, and yet both might be true. I am trying to discover and walk my path, and don't need aggression or destruction on it.
Thank you.

Commitment

OK.
I am going to raise the heat here. For myself.
I will share with you the decision I have made. Which makes me then accountable.
My birthday is on Friday. I turn 30 on Friday, and I have decided to offer myself the gift of clarity for my birthday.
A few days ago I received a newsletter I get regularly from Tama Kieves at http://www.awakeningartistry.com/
She talked about commitment.
The paragraph that most hit home was:

When I was deciding what career direction to move in, I was terrified of making a mistake. I didn't want to waste my time, so of course I wasted my time by obstinately not doing anything. I didn't want to go forward in the wrong direction. But the problem was-- I wasn't going forward in any direction. After a while, options turn into dead fish. They start smelling up the room. It's the aroma of guilt and waste and passing time. You need to use your options while they're fresh. I felt haunted and frustrated and depleted all at the same time. Finally, a friend of mine said to me "Why not commit fully for now? You don't have to commit to forever. Just commit fully for now."

That felt like I was reading exactly about myself. And it was uncomfortable.
And then she said: "Commitment brings clarity".

So these last few days are filled with nervousness, fear and excitement while I survey what my options are, and spend time feeling where my heart wants to go.
Holy crap. Now I am really accountable.

Anger and choice

I am in a bad mood today.
Well not a bad mood as such.
More a mood to listen to Skunk Anansie. That says it all.
I haven't been listening to that kind of music in ages. Today it felt so good.
I can feel that I have liters of withheld anger and grief. So a music that I can scream with feels good.

Of course there is a story that explains why I am angry. There are even a few different stories. But they are not that interesting. Or necessary.
So right now my choice is to stay with the anger, with the sensations in my body, and ride it until it subsides.
Ha!