New nephew

I have a new nephew!!
Born on the 13th of April, he is tiny, and gorgeous and seems to spend most of his time sleeping so far.
Which is great, because it means he doesn't cry so much. His name is Baptiste, and there is a French saying that says "tranquille comme Baptiste" (calm as Baptiste). His name suits him beautifully!
And he is sooooo cute!
I have been at my brother's for the past 2 days, with my parents, and will stay until tomorrow. I have met the new little boy yesterday, when he came back from the maternity with his mother. It has been bliss to hold him, discover his little face and the warmth of his small, soft body.
How different he is from his two brothers. He looks most like his eldest brother, but is different as well. His brothers seem to be very happy of the new arrival, but I also heard the little one ask: "so when is he leaving?".
Hmmm. There is still some explaining to do.

And tonight, we are celebrating my birthday. Both my brothers will be there, and that feels special. I haven't celebrated my birthday with them in ages, probably not since my 18th birthday or so. OK, so it is a bit in advance, my birthday is actually in 13 days, but who cares! Will write more later, better go and see what needs to be done for tonight.

Square One

Just came back from my appointment with the unemployment office.
Three months already since I got registered there.
Three months where I looked in all directions I could think of: working on the internet (and several possibilities there), starting a company, finding a job (again several possibilities there), getting some new training.
OK it doesn't look like I did nothing.
It doesn't look like I know what I want either.
Damn. I am back to square one.
What DO I want?
What is my project?
What CAN I do NOW?
WHERE do I want to do it?
Where CAN I do it?
Ultimately the where is the only thing I am sure of: San Francisco.
There rest is a bit wobbly.
I can feel that I have the answers to all these questions somewhere inside myself. So how come they are not coming out? Now would be a good time, really....

But maybe getting back to square one means something else. Maybe it means surrender. De-constructing all the thoughts, fears and anxiety I have built around my life project. Going back to the ground.
What do I want ultimately. Beyond what it might look like.
What do I want that I would not compromise on.
I know that.
I want purpose, connection and abundance.
I want to connect in a meaningful, deep, truthful and conscious way with many people every day.
I want to wake up and do everything I do with a sense of purpose, knowing I am in alignment with who I am and who I want to be. Otherwise, it doesn't make sense.
And I want to enjoy around me the abundance that is already in me.
OK so this is the background.
This is the core of what I want.

Now I need to follow my intuition to build my project around that.

Listening to my inner voice

Today is a down day.
Woke up with a strange scratchy feeling in my throat. A little fog in my brain, especially if I move my head fast.
Feeling like I need to clear my throat all the time.
Getting sick again?
I am barely out of my sinusitis. Seems to be taking a long time for my body to recover.
In the meantime, many questions have come and gone.
Switzerland feels like a faraway dream, but doesn't quite feel quite right to me now. Nothing came out of the few things I tried in that direction. Maybe I didn't try with enough heart. Maybe it is not the way to go. Maybe the answer will come a bit later.
I am getting stronger in myself. It feels better to listen to my inner voice. And right now it is saying: stay put. You are exactly where you need to be. Follow your intuition every day, see where it leads you. Don't panic, no need for anxiety. You are taken care of at every moment of every day.
Yes.
So I stay in that sort of waiting paradigm. I have left the cliff, and am hanging in mid-air, have not quite landed anywhere yet. It feels like I am floating on a cloud, it is not painful, only a bit cold sometimes, and a bit lonely. I am learning to trust the instruments, even if I can't see the ground in front of me.
And still, I am learning to RECEIVE. It is not that easy to receive gracefully.
We are used to keep counting. If we receive something it means we owe something to someone. And it feels uncomfortable, almost shameful, until we have given something back, and we are even. But receiving unconditionally is something else entirely. It means being grateful for everything that is given to me, and being graceful about it. Receiving doesn't mean I am alienated. And if I keep count of what I am receiving in order to give back later, it is like an offense to the person who is giving to me so wholeheartedly and unconditionally. Feeling guilty, or ashamed, is also an offense.
Nothing is given to me right now with the purpose to alienate me. But I have the choice of how I react. I can feel alienated and like I owe something, or I can feel free and grateful. I believe the point of this situation is for me to learn the latter.
And I am learning about my strength, and how dedicated I am to finding my own path, a path that will be in alignment with who I am and who I want to be, and how I am ready to go until the end of it without compromising my soul. Yes, sometimes I panic. Sometimes I feel like I should get a job, anything, even if it means getting myself again into what I left swearing I would never go back.
But I have more and more moments of peace, where I can see the big picture, and how this transition is important in testing my values and finding out who I really am, and what I am ready to do to realize what I am.
Life is good.
I am grateful.

Switzerland?

OK so yesterday I could feel things were moving. I received many unexpected emails from people in the US, the UK, even Italy. I replied, got replies straight back.
Then my brother sent me a Skype chat. Wow. He is so rarely on Skype, it always feels special when he is.
Have you thought about Switzerland? he asked.
Every time I think about you I have the feeling you should go to Switzerland and work there for a while. It is an intuition I wanted to share with you.
Double wow.
No I haven't thought about it. Never even entered my mind.
So since then my whole being has been buzzing.
I have the Swiss nationality, so it shouldn't be hard to find work there, if there is work to be found.
I have family there who could help me out until I find something.
And if I find something it is likely to be much better paid than in France.
So I called my aunt in Switzerland this morning. She is going to start looking around, keeping her ears and eyes open. She welcomed me to stay in her place any time to look for something from there.
HOLY COW!! Is that my next step?
I feel nervous and excited and scared. My stomach is churning, I feel the irrepressible need to walk around, move, not stop, do something, eat, whatever will calm me down.
OK breathe. Pheeeeewwww...
I have no idea yet. But I will investigate, make a few more calls to Switzerland, and see if any door opens up.

One step forward, one step backward

So do you think I spent a couple of hours every day working on building an internet business since last Wednesday? Or thinking of my priorities, or what kind of business I want?
Nooo...
I don't even know what I bloody well did in the last week.
This seems to be a pattern by now. I start something, get really excited by it, but not for long. Withing the next days/hours/minutes I get disappointed or disillusioned, and just want to give up.
Oh yes I'd really like to have an internet business that works and earns me money. But it's too much effort, and not enough on purpose with what I really want for me to want to invest all that effort...
So I could try and find a short term job that would pay well. I have updated my CV, and learned all about cover letters, but as soon as rejections come in, I just give up and think it's not the right way.
So I could do freelance writing or translating jobs. Put up a profile on E-lance. But everyone has more experience than I do so I don't even bid for any project. It doesn't feel quite good.
So i could use this time to just write. Managed to write 3 days in a row, and then stopped.

My avoidance pattern seems to be eating me alive.
I need to make a decision and go on with it, but nothing feels right, and I don't manage to commit to anything. One step forward, one step backwards. I try all directions, but go back to square one. And don't move.

On the bright side, I can feel stuff is moving deep inside me. On the edge between conscious and unconscious. I am aware of movements, like ebb and flow movements, thick, syrupy wave moving up and down inside me. I don't know what it contains, but I know it's there. And I know that as soon as the dam breaks, there'll be no stopping me...
Until then, well...