Soon, soon

Time is getting tight before the big flight.
I am digitalizing CDs and sorting out books and will start on clothes soon.
I am still wondering how I am going to manage to fit everything in twice 23kg.
Hmmm... We'll see.
I learned with the Camino that I can live with very little anyway, so I can always remove things from the suitcases.
I am excited. In barely more than 3 days I will be at the other end of the world, and a new page will open. Where I can create anything I want.
I have almost finished re-reading the last Harry Potter, so I won't have to bring the book with me. Reading it a second time allows me to notice all the details I had missed in my hunger for the storyline the first time. I still read until 3am last night. Proof that even the second time around it has the power to captivate and engulf me and not let me go anymore.
But things are good, between the reading and sorting I am meeting the last few people I want to see before I leave. Busy times, but happy ones too...

Long lost song

Today I found a song I had tried to remember for months.
It was a song I used to hear on the radio when I was at university in Bordeaux.
I remembered the feel of it, but couldn't remember either the name of the group or the title or the words or the melody... Basically I had just a vague feeling of the song left.
And well, today thanks to some clever research on the internet, I found it again! It was Lilicub's "Voyage en Italie".
Have a look:
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x141on_lilicub-voyage-en-italie
It is pretty kitsch but makes me smile every time.
I remember eating breakfast in the sunny kitchen of the flat I was sharing with my best friend in Bordeaux, and hearing the song on the radio while getting ready for university...
Nostalgia nostalgia...

Apart from that I am pretty much spending my time meeting people at the moment.
I haven't even started packing even though I have about a week left before the big flight...
Ah well.
I know it will be ok and everything will sort itself out, like it always does.
Today it felt more important to look for that song on the internet than to start thinking seriously of what to take with me.
Hmmm... I'll continue to go with the flow and we'll see what comes.

Got a room near San Francisco!

That's it, the search is over.
I phoned a lovely lady this afternoon (well, morning for her) about a room for rent I had seen on Craigslist, and we really hit it off. So after over an hour conversation, we both agreed to end the search, she for a roommate, I for a place to live.
I have been on a little cloud ever since.
I knew it would go well. I felt guided.
But it is something else when it actually happens.
So to celebrate, I watched the Fifth Element again. On French TV.
It was strange to see Bruce Willis speaking French, but hey, I love Bruce Willis in any language. Especially in that tiny orange top designed by Jean Paul Gauthier!
Now all I have left to do is to work on a list of objectives I want to focus on while I am there.
So I don't "waste" my time having fun and forgetting why I am there for.
Ah, and also I need to start thinking of packing... Not quite the same to go somewhere for 3 months or for a week...
OK, I'll go and read a bit of Harry Potter to calm down (re-read in fact).

What a sunny day to write!

I started to write this morning, and here is what came:

It is a sunny day.
Started cold, but sunny.
Something already.
Felt cold all night, what with the window wide open.
Now I am in a rather good mood.
Talked to a good friend of mine last night.
I hadn’t talked to him in almost 4 months.
He always makes me feel good. Reminds me of where the priorities are, and what makes life worthwhile.
Now I have to act on it.
So I start by writing.
35 minutes, as he said.
Start with that. Then we’ll see.
Maybe you will feel like writing more later on in the day.
But start with 35 minutes.
And then stop.
No matter what, stop.
Ok, I said. I will do it.
I heard him smile as he hung up.
Now I am here, and what.
Thinking of all the things I have to do.
All the things I have to think of.
It is not that easy to concentrate for 35 minutes.
But maybe I don’t really have to concentrate.
Who knows.
So soon I will be leaving the country.
Going somewhere where I have never been. Scary.
Exciting as well, but bloody well scary.
Why do I keep doing things like that?
Why can’t I find a job in my own country, have an active social security number and health insurance, find a husband, have kids, and then maybe bitch about it all?
Well that’s why.
I don’t want to bitch about my life.
I want to create my life so I love it.
Maybe it is the other way around.
Maybe I am supposed to love my life first, no matter what it holds, and trust that the changes will come from themselves?
Keeping in mind all the self help books I read. And I read many.
They all seem like that is it when I read them. Like at last I have the truth and if I follow their principles I will be happy. And then I follow the principles for a week and then I stop. Too unnatural.
I wish I could find a method that allows me to be happy without having to do things that seem to go against me, and require discipline.
Do I lack discipline? Yet I thought I could push myself a lot. I used to.
So what happened?
It seems that as I left the mould in order to create my life, I lost my entire rigor, my love for making plans and sticking to them, like the study plans I created and followed all my student life.
Now I am supposed to be creating something that makes me feel good, so I don’t do a thing. Because thinking about how to do it, trying to plan it etc… would not make me feel good.
Hmmm… Am I reaching some kind of deadlock?
Or maybe I am just still in my sludgy transition time and the only thing I need to do is honor it and love myself.
I wish we were born with some kind of user manual. Although if we were, we would probably do what we do with all user manuals – not read it and try to figure it out ourselves. Also it would probably take away a lot of the joy of figuring it out.
I don’t like slow times so much. I feel like I am here for great things, and great things mean living fast.
But then when I do live fast, it gets a bit too fast and I often wish I had more time to rest and relax. Never happy, am I?
Yet I can feel an incredible joy, deep in my stomach, a joy that pushes me to sing and whistle out loud all the time, even when I don’t know what to do, doubt about what I am here for, and feel that really I should be doing something…
Things are moving though. I can feel it deep in my body, deep in my soul. Even without “doing” anything, I am moving forward.
Always stay true to yourself.
Yes.
That’s what I want to do.
No compromise about that.
I want to stay true, and genuine. I want my mistakes, my pains, my joys, my discoveries to be real and from my heart.
So far, so good.
I find it hard not to know.
I wish I could have a glimpse of what the future holds. At the same time, I don’t want to spoil it. I know the future is as good as I make it in the present moment. Maybe what I wish more is that I knew the purpose, or the reason.
Why is more important than what.
Much more.
What will depend on how I interpret the why.
Interesting.

Hectic again

Wow.
It was slow for a while, but speed sure came back into my life since 2 days.
I am getting ready for a yard sale in the village on the 26th of August, and will be gone from tomorrow until the 25th evening, so I have to sort out everything I want to sell.
So basically I had to dive into my old cupboard and the ones in the attic, sorting out what was really mine to sell, what I want to hold onto, what makes sense, etc...
At the same time I was writing an assignment for my writing course, which I managed to send off yesterday. It wasn't easy, as I developed some kind of enormous internal resistance to that assignment and really had to fight against myself to get it done. Glad it is finished and sent.
I also managed to send the cards and pictures I wanted to send to the nice hospitaleros or people who had marked my camino in Spain, at last!!
And... I booked my flight to San Francisco! So I'll go there on the 25h of September, and will come back to France at the end of December - my visa doesn't allow me to stay over 3 months. That's good enough for a first time anyway.
I still have no idea of what I will do there or where I will stay, but I trust and know deep inside me that all these things will get sorted out somehow, and perfectly on time.
Ok now it is almost 2am, I have a big day tomorrow driving with my brother and moving some furniture from friends' places to his place, so I'd better get ready for bed...