Transitioning from work to life!

Feel the fear and do it anyway

2009-01-21T14:16:00.003+01:00

OK things are getting hotter.
I have looked at a place that I could rent to work. On Monday.
I liked it. It has just been restored so it's all freshly painted and there wouldn't be any heavy installation costs, just decoration. It is in a nice area of Bordeaux, right next to a shop that sells herbal stuff and healthy cosmetics, so basically that could bring me customers. There is a health food store on the square next to it, and an organic clothes shop in a nearby street.
The place is cheap enough, and no heavy sum of money to get in.
So it looks really good.
The fear is, of course, once I have a place, there are some fixed costs. Which means I am committing to my business, like, REALLY, but doing that step.
Scary.
And immensely exciting also.
So at the moment I am spending my days in numbers, calculating costs and planning ahead, imagining what it will be like and doing all the admin work I need to finish my project and ask for the loans I need and all.
Uh oh...
I am DOING it!!
Still a bit to do, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Nearly there. Scary, but doable.

New beginnings

2009-01-12T13:15:00.002+01:00

I feel good today.
Getting used to my new hearing aids and it's not easy, but not as hard as I thought either.
In normal situations, I feel good with them, and I do hear better. The hard side is the bluetooth bit of it. The hearing aids have a bluetooth functionality that allows me to answer my mobile phone directly in my ears and such. The sound is strange though, and so far I find it easier to just yank the hearing aids off my ears and answer the phone directly. Which doesn't quite work, of course, as the two are paired and trying to remove the bluetooth connection in the middle of a call disconnects the call. Hmmm. So I have been calling back people a lot.
I just got the hearing aids adjusted this morning and really hoped that it would help. It is a bit better, but not good enough for me to follow a conversation completely on the phone. Damn.
Maybe it's a question of getting used to it. I'll give it another few days, and will go back to the audioprothesist to adjust it further if it doesn't get better. So far it feels like I am listening to someone who is calling a radio station, and speaking on the phone live. Kind of narrow, hard to understand speech.

But things are good. I feel good. Confident that things are working out perfectly.
I have plenty of projects for 2009, business-wise. I want to create conferences, workshops, and even workshops with other people. I want to have more clients, 15 per week would be good, or the equivalent of income through other means. And I want to create a monthly newsletter, and to WRITE!! So this is what I am going to start right now. I'll write for an hour every day for a few weeks and see how it goes. Then I can up or down the time according to my schedule and intuition.

Life is good.

Review of 2008

2009-01-05T18:20:00.002+01:00

What a year 2008 has been!
Thought it would be good to write about the year. Have an overview for myself, of everything that happened in 2008.
And yeah. What a year.
I came back from the States, took forever (or so it seemed - I think it was about 5 months) to make up my mind as to what I was going to do, and where I was going to be.
I realized that my longing to move away from France hid some cluttered closets I was trying to escape from. I decided to finally face the music and look at what was in these closets, one drawer after the next. Realized that it is mostly not that scary once I decide to face it and stay with whatever comes up.
In the process I decided to stay in France (for now at least, probably for the next few years, and then who knows), and create my own healing business in Bordeaux.
Found a training course that supported me in many ways to create that business, and started at the very end of the year to live from it (OK I can't say I am rich, but hey! It's starting!).
Met many people who are on the same wavelength, in Bordeaux, and created some really rich friendships.
Realized that I don't necessary have to commit to things for the rest of my life, and things don't have to be perfect, but things will move, and doors will open if I put my heart into what I do.
Started to organize and deliver workshops at the end of the year, which is something I really want to do more. Became aware by doing it that hey! I can do this! And I can do it well!
Noticed how amazing it is to wake up in the morning knowing that what I do fills me with joy and feels on purpose. And also I love waking up at whatever time I want. Hehe.
Starting to tackle many of my patterns around lack and scarcity, in all areas of my life. It's fun to know that life doesn't have to be scarce, and is meant to be full and abundant. I can feel now that I am starting to open up to that.

So what about 2009?
Well I don't want to take resolutions as such. I just want life to continue to unfold, and I want to go with the flow. Grow my business, tend to my friendships, take care of myself, develop more and more projects that keep me at the edge of my comfort zone.
I'd like to sort out my relationship patterns too, and open up to a new fulfilling relationship.
And write. I want to write. Haven't been so good with it in 2008. Other priorities. Now I can feel it is pushing inside, and I have to do it. I really want to do it too.
Yeah that's about it.
Looking at my life, I am so grateful for exactly where I am now.

On and on!

2008-12-15T23:30:00.003+01:00

Well, it's been 2 months.
I have been busy over the last 2 months.
The 18th of October was a big day - As part of the training program I was in, we (all the women in the program) had organized an event that day to promote our new activity, and women's initiatives in general. It was a lot of work, but also a lot of fun and energy on the day.
I had a space with a massage table and I gave free mini-healing sessions. There were a lot of people all day around my space, a lot of questions and interests, and contacts at the end of the day.
It was a nice peak to the program that finished that the end of October.

Right after that event I realized that I needed a new project to keep me going, so I decided to organize a workshop. And it all went very fast because I wanted to organize it before Christmas, knowing January would probably not be a good time with people being broke and depressed after Christmas.
And I did it! Created a workshop from scratch on Chakra energetics, and delivered it last Saturday. It was a half day workshop, I had 6 participants, and it went well!
I am very happy with it, and kinda proud because it's the first time I do something like that! Organizing an event from scratch, creating the communication, getting the participants, creating the content and finding the objects and music needed, and delivering it. Woohoo!!
So now I'll do more of them. And conferences. I have 2 planned for February. Will probably do one on the Law of Attraction and one on Energetic healing... Need to have a description of both conferences by the beginning of January.
I notice that creating deadlines for myself is the way I work best. Especially if the deadlines are public and if people depend on me to deliver on time.
So I am learning a lot about myself and enjoying the process while my business starts.

News

2008-10-12T20:58:00.001+02:00

Ok it's been a while since I posted here.
Well take it from me, no news is good news!
Things are going well. There isn't necessarily any huge breakthrough that would incite me to write often on this blog, but things are going forward little by little.
I am well settled in my little apartment in Bordeaux, and enjoy the freedom of having my own place. It feels like a small cosy warm cocoon.
I have started Kundalini Yoga 3 weeks ago, and love it. It is pretty intense, working more on the breathing and on the speed of movements than on the postures like Hatha Yoga, and I leave each session feeling at peace, deeply relaxed and joyful. Perfect.
I have also started drama lessons this week. The first week was shorter than planned, but with a bit of improvisation and all, it was great fun and I didn't feel like leaving at all at the end! So looking forward to the next lessons.
Business-wise, things are also going forward. I have a few regular clients, including one who comes twice a week at the moment, and I am enjoying watching her grow. As soon as I am in a session with a client, all doubts leave, and I am just there, fully centered and on purpose, strong, and joyful. I love it!
And I am starting to meet people in the same kind of work. People on my wavelength. It is fascinating to notice that there are quite a few people with similar goals and interests as I have. When I thought that France was not at all "evolved" that way...
Ha...

Scooting ahead

2008-09-10T21:44:00.002+02:00

It's been a while again.
I have been on holidays, which I mostly used to move into the new flat.
I am now settled, and have internet access at home, which is GREAT!!
I am 20 minutes walk away from the place I go to everyday to do my training program on business creation. And wait until I have my bike back in Bordeaux! I will FLY to that place!
I am less than 10 min walk from the big library (they lend DVDs, CDs, comics, books and all the rest!!) and from the swimming pool, and really close from the whole city center really.
The apartment is small, it feels a bit like a little nest where I can recharge my batteries for the next steps. And there is the garden. Where I can sit at the table having a coffee from my wonderful espresso machine, and read while listening to the wind in the trees. Pretty cool for being right in the middle of the city, huh?

Business-wise, things are moving forward.
I have my website up and running: http://www.soinsenergetiquesbordeaux.com
I am waiting to get my flyers and business cards from press.
I have a beauty institute where I can have my healing sessions. I am looking for another 2 centers or institutes that would agree to partner with me on the same terms more or less, and then I'll be sorted for now.
My market study is going forward, even if I still have a bit to do on it. I already have quite a bit of data.
So there is still much to do, but there is already much done, and what's more, I feel on purpose. As the ad for Mastercard goes, that is priceless...
This is an adventure. Exciting, and scary.
I am really thankful to have two amazing women who accepted to be my "godmothers" in my project and who are helping and coaching me.
We'll see what comes next.

New apartment

2008-07-29T21:17:00.001+02:00

It's been almost a month, and you wouldn't believe how things have moved, changed, gone forward, come up and all in the last few weeks.
I have started to test my project of starting a healing business, and so far, it looks really good. People are interested, I have realized that I can do it really well, and can also sell. I am in the middle of my market study, and working actively on the business plan and financial plan. It's fun, it's scary, it's elating, it's incredible.
Oh, and I found a flat. Yesterday.
Have been looking for a week, and started off in my search with a bit of a "oh my god it's going to be hard" attitude, until I decided I had enough of the fear, and started to present myself differently to the agencies, and realized I could actually find something nice quickly if I wished to.
Well I did. Found a nice little studio, about 30 m2, and with a tiny garden! The garden is completely private, as no one else has access to it, or even a view on it. And big enough to put a small table and a clothes line, and the best is: I have something green right outside my window, and can grow herbs, mint - maybe not veggies but hey!
The place is really nice, in a quiet area but 5 min walk from the tram, I can keep a bike there, and I even met my neighbor, she is lovely and has a beautiful cat!
I am going to sign the papers and do the official first visit with key reception and all on the 8th of August (oh my, 08/08/08! Must be a sign....). And I have 2 weeks holidays starting right then to move and settle in the new place
I feel so grateful.

Update

2008-07-01T20:31:00.002+02:00

Life is going forward at full speed.

Second week of program went by in a snap.
Now I have already started my third week, where I am doing a work experience at a beauty/wellness center.
I am meeting new people, struggling to stay in touch with the ones I know, or to keep up with my email (my good intention of always keeping less than 20 emails in my inbox is long forgotten).
It's a phase like that.
Moving moving moving.
After the months of inaction and thinking, it feels good and slightly bewildering.
I need to keep getting back to center.
Keep finding time to read inspirational books and meditate.
Keep surrounding myself with positive people. I notice how important that is, and I appreciate my friends who are always there to remind me of the good side of things, when I get lost in the story of how difficult everything is.
Support is so important. And I am so grateful for all the times where I feel supported and loved and encouraged in what I do and who I am.

Sometimes support comes unexpectedly, like the time where I scared a lady in the street scooting at full speed with my little scooter beside her.

We started talking, and she ended up answering my market research question, and now she is in my mailing list! She even texted me in the evening to tell me how delighted she was to have met me.

And then besides that are days like today where all the people I ask answer no at the first main questions, which invalidates them for the rest of the questionnaire. Basically shows that these people have no interest in becoming my customers.

First week over

2008-06-20T22:15:00.003+02:00

So this is the end of my first week with the business creation program I started on Monday.
Wow.
I am exhausted. I can really feel that I haven't had a regular working rhythm with getting up early and being busy all day in over a year. My body is adjusting.
It is actually going rather well. I already feel less exhausted and like I could fall asleep in the tramway on my way back home in the evening. I feel more excited about what I am doing.
And I feel on purpose. Aligned with what I am here for.
What a feeling.

This week I have met a lot of people, starting with the trainers/teachers, and members of the program. I feel already like I integrated the group really well. I could feel the skepticism in the room when I first presented my project on Monday.
I am going to start a healing business, I said.
Healing? What the hell is that... I could feel the unsaid questions and doubts.
A girl summarized at some stage: so you are giving massages, but without touching the people? And then she made a face.
Uh-oh... This was not going too well.
I tried to explain more. No it is not quite like massages. It is energy work.
Oh they are not getting it. How do I explain what I do to people who don't believe in any of it by principle, and don't know what it is about at all. Sounds like a challenge I might have to face if I want to start that kind of activity in intellectual, philosophical, sensible France.

Yet within the week everything changed.
I had an opportunity to really listen and share with the one person I felt as a bit of a bully. Little by little I felt like I "earned" my space in the group. By the end of the week everything had turned around. People are more open, ask more questions about what I do and are more positive about it.
I noticed throughout the experience how I have changed around and in groups. I used to hate them and feel very ill at ease. I always preferred one-on-one contact and events. Just easier to deal with the energy flow. And this time being in a group, what's more where I didn't choose the members, is working really well. Hey I changed! I grew! Woohoo!

Ok I think I'll go to bed now, will write more about the week's experiences tomorrow or so.

Building in opposition or building forward

2008-06-14T19:08:00.002+02:00

I have started to realize in the last few weeks how much I built my life in opposition.
Ha. I thought I was centered, balanced and rather at peace with myself. Well guess what! I seem to be rather good at keeping nice soft and comfortable illusions for myself...
I wanted to draw, paint, sing and be a musician. My brothers were excellent at music and graphical arts so I started writing.
I wanted to study English. My brother and mum were English teachers. So I studied German.
My brother spent some time in Canada and in the US. I went to Ireland and Germany.
I always put myself down, and felt not worthy of my family. So I developed myself in directions that had not been explored in the family yet. A pioneer, always.
A pioneer to escape from the illusions I had created and couldn't face.
Now I am facing them, one by one.
It's time.
I am settling in Bordeaux. I am staying in France. For the first time in 10 years.
I am building something new. But I don't want to build in opposition anymore. I want to build what feels good to me now regardless of what others think or have done.
I want to remember who I really am and the power I actually have.
And I want to forgive myself for keeping myself down all these years.

News at last

2008-06-12T23:18:00.001+02:00

It's time to share what's going on again...
It's been a long time. Gee. Over a month.
Well things have been moving.
As soon as I made the decision to commit to something, I started meeting people, discovering organizations and websites that might help me, etc...
My first milestone was the 22nd of May, with the little speech I gave to over 15 people at a friend's house. It went really well, and I even got my first client from it!
Since then I have been working on my website, which is still not online, but I am working on the content.
I have been trying to schedule my time, plan things to do, but after a few weeks of being at it on my own, I realized that I really need help.
I need some kind of very regular support by someone who has already created a company and knows how it works, and what steps to go through when. On my own, I lack the overview on what I need to do. So I feel a bit lost, helpless, and very lonely.
So I went to an entrepreneur fair last week, and was shown how many possibilities are open for me. Wow. How wonderful. Abundance again.
I had a meeting this week with a women organization that has an activity creation support program, and they accepted me in it. Which means that from Monday on, and until the end of October, I will be working on my project with them, in a group of about 8 women who are all creating their company, for 30 hours per week. Here is the regular rhythm I need to get back to, after over a year of sabbatical exploration. What's more, I am paid for doing it! Not much, but enough to motivate me to get out of the state help system. That program will give me everything I need: motivation, support, and a network of people who know how to do what I am doing.
So I have some work to do on my project presentation before Monday, and it's fun!!

As for San Francisco, I realized that now that I am really here with all my energy, I haven't lost the connection with my friends over there. On the contrary. It feels like the connection is clearer. And right now, I don't feel like going there. I don't know how long I will stay in Bordeaux. But for now, this is the place to be. And it feels good.
Phew.

Decision

2008-05-08T14:46:00.001+02:00

OK it is time to write here.
Yes I have made a decision.
My decision is to use my energy on building a healing business here in Bordeaux.
I am working on a plan to get there right now. Plenty of things to do, to check out, to prepare. A first gig on the 22nd of May, with a friend who invited me to talk about what I do in front of the 20 something members of her association. She believes quite a few people there would be interested.

It feels good in a way, and depressing in another.
I feel like I am mourning San Francisco, all the friends and hopes I have left there.
And interestingly, it is the first time I do this since I came back. I had managed until now to stay so connected and linked to them, that I almost hadn't noticed I was away. Hence nothing was moving. I wasn't really here.
Now I am regrouping my energy to build something here, and it is slowly sinking in that I won't see them for quite a while, and I am withdrawing my energy from them, from there, and bringing it back here.
It is a bit painful, but it feels good, because I can feel I am getting more centered. More me.

Birthday

2008-05-02T10:33:00.002+02:00

I wake up, look at my watch. It is just about 7am.
I smile, turn over to my side, pull the quilt to right under my chin, and close my eyes again.
I can hear the birds singing outside.
It is just perfect.
An hour later, I get up, a sleepy smile still on my face. I go to my bag, where I recover the eleven Millionaire scratch cards I have bought over the last week, as my fun birthday present for myself, take a coin, and walk down the stairs to the kitchen, where everyone - my parents and aunts - is waiting for me with a Happy Birthday already formed on the lips.
I kiss everyone, sit down, and start scratching.
First card nothing. Second nothing. Third nothing.
And suddenly a few cards win a bit, and I end up winning 164€ over the 11 cards. Not bad.
This day feels good.
I feel joyful, empowered, playful.
The sun is shining, it is a pretty warm day, time to wear open shoes.
I am so grateful.

Hey Prophet

2008-04-29T09:38:00.001+02:00

Sounds like what I am writing about is bringing up lots of hostility in you. Maybe it's time to look in the mirror for you too.
The only thing you seem to do is destroy anything I might write about, by saying it - or I - is/am worthless, stupid, whatever else.
Let's get some things clear here.
I am completely open to constructive criticism. However, I am NOT your punching ball.
Maybe your comments come from good intention. Maybe you are trying to shake me to what you believe life is about. But the delivery of your last 2 messages has been received here as offensive and negative. And remember, there is what YOU believe life is about, and what I believe life is about. There is your path, and my path. Both might be different, and yet both might be true. I am trying to discover and walk my path, and don't need aggression or destruction on it.
Thank you.

Commitment

2008-04-28T23:12:00.001+02:00

OK.
I am going to raise the heat here. For myself.
I will share with you the decision I have made. Which makes me then accountable.
My birthday is on Friday. I turn 30 on Friday, and I have decided to offer myself the gift of clarity for my birthday.
A few days ago I received a newsletter I get regularly from Tama Kieves at http://www.awakeningartistry.com/
She talked about commitment.
The paragraph that most hit home was:

When I was deciding what career direction to move in, I was terrified of making a mistake. I didn't want to waste my time, so of course I wasted my time by obstinately not doing anything. I didn't want to go forward in the wrong direction. But the problem was-- I wasn't going forward in any direction. After a while, options turn into dead fish. They start smelling up the room. It's the aroma of guilt and waste and passing time. You need to use your options while they're fresh. I felt haunted and frustrated and depleted all at the same time. Finally, a friend of mine said to me "Why not commit fully for now? You don't have to commit to forever. Just commit fully for now."

That felt like I was reading exactly about myself. And it was uncomfortable.
And then she said: "Commitment brings clarity".

So these last few days are filled with nervousness, fear and excitement while I survey what my options are, and spend time feeling where my heart wants to go.
Holy crap. Now I am really accountable.

Anger and choice

2008-04-23T21:23:00.001+02:00

I am in a bad mood today.
Well not a bad mood as such.
More a mood to listen to Skunk Anansie. That says it all.
I haven't been listening to that kind of music in ages. Today it felt so good.
I can feel that I have liters of withheld anger and grief. So a music that I can scream with feels good.

Of course there is a story that explains why I am angry. There are even a few different stories. But they are not that interesting. Or necessary.
So right now my choice is to stay with the anger, with the sensations in my body, and ride it until it subsides.
Ha!

New nephew

2008-04-19T18:39:00.002+02:00

I have a new nephew!!
Born on the 13th of April, he is tiny, and gorgeous and seems to spend most of his time sleeping so far.
Which is great, because it means he doesn't cry so much. His name is Baptiste, and there is a French saying that says "tranquille comme Baptiste" (calm as Baptiste). His name suits him beautifully!
And he is sooooo cute!
I have been at my brother's for the past 2 days, with my parents, and will stay until tomorrow. I have met the new little boy yesterday, when he came back from the maternity with his mother. It has been bliss to hold him, discover his little face and the warmth of his small, soft body.
How different he is from his two brothers. He looks most like his eldest brother, but is different as well. His brothers seem to be very happy of the new arrival, but I also heard the little one ask: "so when is he leaving?".
Hmmm. There is still some explaining to do.

And tonight, we are celebrating my birthday. Both my brothers will be there, and that feels special. I haven't celebrated my birthday with them in ages, probably not since my 18th birthday or so. OK, so it is a bit in advance, my birthday is actually in 13 days, but who cares! Will write more later, better go and see what needs to be done for tonight.

Square One

2008-04-07T18:01:00.001+02:00

Just came back from my appointment with the unemployment office.
Three months already since I got registered there.
Three months where I looked in all directions I could think of: working on the internet (and several possibilities there), starting a company, finding a job (again several possibilities there), getting some new training.
OK it doesn't look like I did nothing.
It doesn't look like I know what I want either.
Damn. I am back to square one.
What DO I want?
What is my project?
What CAN I do NOW?
WHERE do I want to do it?
Where CAN I do it?
Ultimately the where is the only thing I am sure of: San Francisco.
There rest is a bit wobbly.
I can feel that I have the answers to all these questions somewhere inside myself. So how come they are not coming out? Now would be a good time, really....

But maybe getting back to square one means something else. Maybe it means surrender. De-constructing all the thoughts, fears and anxiety I have built around my life project. Going back to the ground.
What do I want ultimately. Beyond what it might look like.
What do I want that I would not compromise on.
I know that.
I want purpose, connection and abundance.
I want to connect in a meaningful, deep, truthful and conscious way with many people every day.
I want to wake up and do everything I do with a sense of purpose, knowing I am in alignment with who I am and who I want to be. Otherwise, it doesn't make sense.
And I want to enjoy around me the abundance that is already in me.
OK so this is the background.
This is the core of what I want.

Now I need to follow my intuition to build my project around that.

Listening to my inner voice

2008-04-06T19:36:00.001+02:00

Today is a down day.
Woke up with a strange scratchy feeling in my throat. A little fog in my brain, especially if I move my head fast.
Feeling like I need to clear my throat all the time.
Getting sick again?
I am barely out of my sinusitis. Seems to be taking a long time for my body to recover.
In the meantime, many questions have come and gone.
Switzerland feels like a faraway dream, but doesn't quite feel quite right to me now. Nothing came out of the few things I tried in that direction. Maybe I didn't try with enough heart. Maybe it is not the way to go. Maybe the answer will come a bit later.
I am getting stronger in myself. It feels better to listen to my inner voice. And right now it is saying: stay put. You are exactly where you need to be. Follow your intuition every day, see where it leads you. Don't panic, no need for anxiety. You are taken care of at every moment of every day.
Yes.
So I stay in that sort of waiting paradigm. I have left the cliff, and am hanging in mid-air, have not quite landed anywhere yet. It feels like I am floating on a cloud, it is not painful, only a bit cold sometimes, and a bit lonely. I am learning to trust the instruments, even if I can't see the ground in front of me.
And still, I am learning to RECEIVE. It is not that easy to receive gracefully.
We are used to keep counting. If we receive something it means we owe something to someone. And it feels uncomfortable, almost shameful, until we have given something back, and we are even. But receiving unconditionally is something else entirely. It means being grateful for everything that is given to me, and being graceful about it. Receiving doesn't mean I am alienated. And if I keep count of what I am receiving in order to give back later, it is like an offense to the person who is giving to me so wholeheartedly and unconditionally. Feeling guilty, or ashamed, is also an offense.
Nothing is given to me right now with the purpose to alienate me. But I have the choice of how I react. I can feel alienated and like I owe something, or I can feel free and grateful. I believe the point of this situation is for me to learn the latter.
And I am learning about my strength, and how dedicated I am to finding my own path, a path that will be in alignment with who I am and who I want to be, and how I am ready to go until the end of it without compromising my soul. Yes, sometimes I panic. Sometimes I feel like I should get a job, anything, even if it means getting myself again into what I left swearing I would never go back.
But I have more and more moments of peace, where I can see the big picture, and how this transition is important in testing my values and finding out who I really am, and what I am ready to do to realize what I am.
Life is good.
I am grateful.

Switzerland?

2008-03-17T12:50:00.001+01:00

OK so yesterday I could feel things were moving. I received many unexpected emails from people in the US, the UK, even Italy. I replied, got replies straight back.
Then my brother sent me a Skype chat. Wow. He is so rarely on Skype, it always feels special when he is.
Have you thought about Switzerland? he asked.
Every time I think about you I have the feeling you should go to Switzerland and work there for a while. It is an intuition I wanted to share with you.
Double wow.
No I haven't thought about it. Never even entered my mind.
So since then my whole being has been buzzing.
I have the Swiss nationality, so it shouldn't be hard to find work there, if there is work to be found.
I have family there who could help me out until I find something.
And if I find something it is likely to be much better paid than in France.
So I called my aunt in Switzerland this morning. She is going to start looking around, keeping her ears and eyes open. She welcomed me to stay in her place any time to look for something from there.
HOLY COW!! Is that my next step?
I feel nervous and excited and scared. My stomach is churning, I feel the irrepressible need to walk around, move, not stop, do something, eat, whatever will calm me down.
OK breathe. Pheeeeewwww...
I have no idea yet. But I will investigate, make a few more calls to Switzerland, and see if any door opens up.

One step forward, one step backward

2008-03-04T21:29:00.002+01:00

So do you think I spent a couple of hours every day working on building an internet business since last Wednesday? Or thinking of my priorities, or what kind of business I want?
Nooo...
I don't even know what I bloody well did in the last week.
This seems to be a pattern by now. I start something, get really excited by it, but not for long. Withing the next days/hours/minutes I get disappointed or disillusioned, and just want to give up.
Oh yes I'd really like to have an internet business that works and earns me money. But it's too much effort, and not enough on purpose with what I really want for me to want to invest all that effort...
So I could try and find a short term job that would pay well. I have updated my CV, and learned all about cover letters, but as soon as rejections come in, I just give up and think it's not the right way.
So I could do freelance writing or translating jobs. Put up a profile on E-lance. But everyone has more experience than I do so I don't even bid for any project. It doesn't feel quite good.
So i could use this time to just write. Managed to write 3 days in a row, and then stopped.

My avoidance pattern seems to be eating me alive.
I need to make a decision and go on with it, but nothing feels right, and I don't manage to commit to anything. One step forward, one step backwards. I try all directions, but go back to square one. And don't move.

On the bright side, I can feel stuff is moving deep inside me. On the edge between conscious and unconscious. I am aware of movements, like ebb and flow movements, thick, syrupy wave moving up and down inside me. I don't know what it contains, but I know it's there. And I know that as soon as the dam breaks, there'll be no stopping me...
Until then, well...

Back to the internet...

2008-02-27T22:01:00.001+01:00

OK so I am back to the idea of building an internet business. As fast as I can.
So I have signed up for some kind of mentorship that is already starting to disappoint me, but this time I have decided that I've had enough and I will follow-through. I have been a quitter often enough, signing up for something only to be disappointed and give it all up, without even trying to get everything I can from the experience and potential opportunity.
So now I have mentors there to answer my questions in my quest to build an internet business, and I will put them to good use.
One of the things I find difficult in this new venture is the information overload.
I have so many e-books and seminars saved somewhere on my hard drive and that I haven't read or listened to yet.
If I started to really dig into that information - well the mere thought of it feels overwhelming...
So I'll start with the basics.
I need to set up a website. In order to do that, I need to find a good domain name, buy it, find hosting that isn't incredibly expensive but still gives me all I need, and create a first basic page. I don't know anything about html, so I can start with templates. Then, we'll see.
I need to be careful not to overdo it and spend 23 hours non-stop working on the computer, only to get downstairs for breakfast with bloodshot eyes and a depression on the way... I need to pace myself.
Also I need to alternate doing phases with learning phases with play phases with connection with people phases... Otherwise I'll just end up insane within a week...
Oh yes, and remember that I don't need to re-invent the wheel... Ask for help from people who have done it before.
OK I'll leave it here for tonight, we'll see how it goes tomorrow.

Job applications and writing

2008-02-21T23:07:00.001+01:00

It's been a while again since I posted here.
It's also been a while since I answered my emails properly. I have at least a dozen emails that are still waiting for a reply.
Strange how I have been checking my email everyday, and even put a note on my calendar a few times to answer them, yet didn't do them. I seem to get engulfed in some other websurfing activities, or other things even.
I have been working on my CV. Learning how to write a CV and cover letter in French. Not that easy...
I had seen an interested ad for a job as a junior HR consultant in a HR consulting company. Sent my CV and cover letter late on Tuesday. Got the negative answer before 9am on Wednesday. Didn't take them long to find out I wasn't what they were looking for.
OK so far it was the first job I was applying for. I am not discouraged. I am thinking of organizing a mailing of all HR consulting businesses in Bordeaux, to see if any of them would offer me an interview. Spontaneous application. Could work.
We'll see.
In the meantime I have committed to writing. A good friend of mine in San Francisco has agreed to keep me up to my word there. To do that we agreed that I would send her every evening what I have written in the day. So I have to write something to be able to send it to her. That should help to discipline me a bit.
These are strange times. It feels like I am a bit up in the air, in between. No idea what is coming next. Not even a hint.

Sunny day

2008-02-09T17:42:00.001+01:00

Today has been incredibly sunny. And warm, considering we are still at the beginning of February.
It felt beautiful to sit in the sun this afternoon, my back against the front wall of the house, writing and petting the dog:
She kept trying to get my attention, it was funny. Almost like a game...
I am so grateful for these amazing days. So grateful for everything I am receiving everyday.
This is my lesson at the moment: how can I receive gracefully...
Having nothing of my own, depending on my family is a beautiful lesson of love and grace. They support me unconditionally, throughout this time of transition, and the only thing I have to do is receive as unconditionally as they are giving...

My new Daemon: meet Andreas

2008-02-09T17:22:00.001+01:00

I redid the test... Guess what, now I am a tiger!! Hehehe... It feels right somehow.
Better than a bee... Am I more responsible than inquisitive? I don't really know. Both are part of me somehow...

I saw the movie in the meantime. Really enjoyed the acting, but was disappointed with the changes in the story. Somehow the choices they made weakened the plot and the characters a lot (particularly Iorek who is supposed to have been banned because he killed another bear, not because he was beaten by one...).
Went to see Sweeney Todd this week, and I really enjoyed Johnny Depp, and Helena Bonham Carter. A lot of blood and slit throats, but I had fun... Especially with the songs here and there that lighten up the very dark atmosphere...
Oh and I thought of you Darcy, with Alan Rickmann...

Personality tests

2008-02-04T09:27:00.000+01:00

I am working at the moment on determining what I actually want to do. To get the best fit of remunerated activity, I am spending some time on personality tests this week, and have come across a color test that I found interesting. Takes less than 5 minutes, and gave me some results that resonated deeply with where I am right now.
Here are my results:

Armelle took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Her need to feel more causative and to have a wide..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

I also took the Keirsey Temperament Sorter test and came out as the Idealist!

As for the Enneagram, I seem to be a mix between and

Wow. It is taking me some time and effort to really get down to who I am and what I want. It feels like I need to get back to square one and start from the very beginning again. Who am I? What am I here for? What do I want?

The Northern Lights, Paris and my next steps...

2008-01-28T18:49:00.000+01:00

OK so it seems my daemon is a wolf. I LOVE IT!! I have to say it feels better than a bee...
I am now reading the third volume of the Northern Lights trilogy. Still loving every bit of it. Very interesting that idea of many worlds that are kinda superposed on top of each other. And windows to go from one to the other.
Went to see the movie in the meantime. Loved Nicole Kidman and Eva Green, but was a bit disappointed by how much the plot was changed compared to the book.

I spent the weekend in Paris with an American friend. I hadn't been in Paris in a long time, and had never really done the touristy thing, like taking a boat on the Seine, going to the Eiffel tower and Notre Dame and all. That was great. Saw Moulin Rouge and the Cafe where Amélie works in the movie. It was a lot of fun.
Now back to Bordeaux. What do I want?
Always back to this question...
Well things are clearer now. I want to be a coach. Life coach kinda thing. And I want to be a writer. So from this, I can start doing things.
I have a few appointments set up this week with people who can help me clarify my next steps. It feels good. Movement again.
As for the writing, it is simple really. I just need to do it.

My Daemon

2008-01-18T11:25:00.000+01:00

I am reading the Golden Compass at the moment. Haven't seen the movie yet, would love to see it as soon as I can.
In the meantime, I found the link to meeting my own Daemon (half soul, half best friend) on Darcy's blog (http://darxyanne.blogspot.com), so here it is:

What do you think? Does it fit my personality? You have 12 days to give your feedback, and then the Daemon will settle into its final form...

Game on!

City life and connection

2008-01-17T10:12:00.000+01:00

It is not so easy to really connect with people in a city. There are more people to connect with than in the country side, but they are also often more guarded.
And so far it has been quite hard to even find someone who was open enough to engaging a conversation. But yesterday I found a little cafe that felt good. Sort of community cafe, focusing on serving organic local produce and being open to local life and exchanges. There I could connect with people. It felt good.
So I am going to go back there today and see how it feels.
I can feel things are starting to move. Most importantly I am starting to drop my resistance.
Since I came back from San Francisco I felt like the most important thing for me was to find some way to get back there asap. Yet when I am in that space I miss the whole point.
The most important thing for me is to be here, now.
It doesn't even matter if I ever go back to San Francisco in my whole life. While I am here, now, I want to be here and now 100%. Open, relaxed, enjoying my time and what I am doing.
I have had huge resistance to it. I felt like the only people I wanted to be with, the only people I could connect with and be open with were the ones I met in San Francisco. I felt scarce. Like there were not enough like-minded people here for me to connect with them.
I have realized that it was an illusion, a self-made construct.
There is abundance. Here as well.

City life, soon

2008-01-12T18:32:00.000+01:00

I am going to Bordeaux tomorrow evening. Will stay there for the week, and it will probably be my base for a while.
From there, I will be able to move around without a car, with public transports and walking. I will also be able to meet people and maybe find some kind of job.
Thinking about it feels like a breath of fresh air.
I will be staying at my aunts in Bordeaux, which gives me a stable base to start my investigations from.
I am looking forward to it. It is not easy to be in the middle of the countryside without a car. I love spending time with my parents, but I feel stuck. I need to get on with my life and start doing something for myself.
Well no.
I don't need to do so much. I need to trust.
Trusting my intuition is part of it. And my intuition tells me to go to Bordeaux.

Packing again... I realize how I don't like packing. Yet I do it all the time. What do I take, what will I need. Another opportunity to just trust.
I am so tired right now. I think I'll go to sleep and will finish tomorrow...

Fog

2008-01-10T21:10:00.000+01:00

I feel like I am sitting in a bubble bath in the fog. Things are boiling, but I have no idea where I am, where is my next step, or where I bloody well left my towel, shoes and clothes...
It is uncomfortable.
Yet I get the feeling this is exactly where I am supposed to be. Here in the fog, not knowing where to go next. Baby steps. First step up in the water, look down right beside the bath. Look here is the towel. First baby step.
Right now my baby step is to go to the company creation workshop tomorrow. It will take all day, and then we'll see. I will have a clearer view of what it takes to create a company in France.
Then, the second baby step is to move to Bordeaux, stay at my aunts, in the city where I will be able to move around freely with public transport, meet people, maybe even find some kind of money-making activity!
And then we'll see.
One step at a time.

Isabel Allende

2008-01-07T00:09:00.001+01:00

Just watched the House of Spirits on TV, and then there was a beautiful documentary on Isabel Allende, where she talked about her life and books.
She is such an inspiration.
Watching her talk fast in Spanish - with a French voice-over - and I feel her spirit. I feel as though she is my sister. As if our souls are related. I feel her. I know what she means. My stomach churns at the thought of what she went through. Her characters grip me and speak to me so deeply I can barely hear their voice. She knows how to get through to the place where there are no words anymore, where a look is enough, where things are felt that can't be expressed, because no language has enough words.
She is there.
I read her books and feel like she read my soul. I read her books and I feel like I remember.
That's why I write. That's how I want to write.

What next?

2008-01-06T20:25:00.000+01:00

This transition is not easy.
I am starting to think that my plan of being back in San Francisco within the next 2 months might be a teeny bit too optimistic... That makes me feel sad, disappointed and discouraged.
Yet I am very aware that I am creating my own reality, right now.
And right now I am oozing fear and scarcity rather than joy, grace and abundance.
I am finding it hard to go back to feeling abundant, and at the same time I know that the more I feel scarce, the more I attract scarcity. Hmmm not helping.
I am not sure what is my next step.
Well, there are two next steps for this week: one is tomorrow, where I am going to the town hall to apply for the RMI (revenu minimum d'insertion), which is the minimum amount of financial help the state will give to people who don't qualify for unemployment benefit. About €400/month or so... Already something. Argh and here I am so much in scarcity again.
The second step is more positive: it is the company creation workshop on Friday. That should be really interesting. We'll see what comes out of it.

I have the feeling that instead of focusing so much energy trying to find a job on the internet, I could decide to spend time clarifying and narrowing down what I want to do. What do I really want my days to look like? Where and how do I want to spend my energy? What do I want to achieve professionally?
Yes that feels like a good idea.
Let's see what comes from it.

Unemployment administration

2008-01-04T18:17:00.000+01:00

What a day!
I spent about 4 hours today going from one administration to the next to register as an unemployed person, check if I am eligible for unemployment benefit (turns out I am not), get the papers to register for the social security (haven't been registered in at least 6 years), get the papers to ask for the little bit of money I can claim when I have no other rights, and talk to the employment agency to look for a job.
Phew!
Now I am back home, and actually feel much better than yesterday. First, because I took care of all that admin stuff (still have a few things to do on Monday, but the worst is done).
And also, because it gave me new ideas and insights.
1. There is an organism in Bordeaux that helps people to find jobs in foreign countries. Wouldn't it be great if they had a job for me in San Francisco?? Will investigate.
2. I signed up for a one day workshop next Friday on how to create a business. Useful information I need to have if I want to do anything on my own, even if it is to create something on the web, or to give healing sessions at home...
3. How about I go to my aunts in Bordeaux for a while and look for a job in Bordeaux? Would be incredibly easier for me to live there when I don't have a car, as it is a city, with public transport and all, and they have more potential jobs for me than the few 2000-people-towns in my neighborhood here... My aunts agreed, so I might just do that, after the business creation workshop next week...
I feel so much lighter.
I can feel the abundance that is in my life again.
So to celebrate, I am going to the cinema tonight!

Beginnings

2008-01-03T15:07:00.000+01:00

I made a decision.
Enough of pyramid schemes and snowball schemes (found out the website I set up is actually illegal in France, would potentially bring a 4500 Euros fine and a year in jail, not to mention the closing of my paypal account... So I took the site down and removed the ads I had placed that linked to it).
They bring me away from where I want to go.
And I end up spending a lot of time on the web, getting all frustrated because I have to do things I really don't want to spend time on, e.g. advertising a scam...
It makes me anxious and annoyed and really gives me the feeling that I am wasting my time - which I am.
So now back to the beginning, not knowing where to start, not quite knowing what to do, or in which direction to go first.
I find it hard to let go and just trust. I feel like I should hysterically do things to get myself out of this stage of not knowing, but the more I do, the more fog there is around me and the less I know where to go.
Sometimes I'd like someone else to tell me what to do. Yet I know so well that I won't accept anyone else directing my path anymore. No way.

Internet, and patience

2008-01-02T19:26:00.000+01:00

I spent a lot of time on the internet today.
Signed up for one of these stupid pyramid schemes, and before giving up on it altogether and accepting that my 30 euros were lost, I thought why not try and give it a chance? So I spent time looking at advertising on the web, how to generate traffic, etc... I am sure this learning time is going to be useful later, pyramid scheme or not.
I feel a bit spaced out now though. Being on a computer all day tends to do that to me...
I want to spend a bit of time taking care of my cafepress shop and setting it up properly, and researching all the blogging possibilities and ways of earning money through blogging.
I also took an appointment with the Social Welfare office for Friday, so I also deal with the administrative details linked with me being here and officially unemployed. So far I have been impressed with French administration, as people were actually really nice and helpful on the phone!
And beside all that, I feel like I am boiling up inside. I want things to go faster, to be clearer, and to allow me to plan properly. Right now I am pedaling in a yogurt-like substance, and it feels exhausting and frustrating.
Patience, I guess...

100th post - Happy New Year

2008-01-01T15:42:00.000+01:00

This is the 100th post I am writing on this blog.
Wow.
When I remember where and who I was when I started it, I can't help but being amazed at last year's journey.
Now the question is: what am I going to build for 2008?
What do I want? What am I going to create?
I feel like I could do anything, I just need to choose what I actually want.
One thing I know is that I want to go back to San Francisco as soon as possible.
And I want abundance. I want to have the resources I need to do anything I want to do.
I want to open up and expand and share more of who I am.
I feel like I have gone through a long and deep internalization era, and now the time is coming for me to go outwards.
And it feels good.
So we'll see what comes, and how it comes.

Last day of 2007

2007-12-31T18:53:00.000+01:00

I wanted to post today, on the last day of the year.
Mostly to say thank you.
I am so grateful for the year I have had.
I have experienced so many things, moved through so many things, changed and transformed and transitioned again and again.
I have had a whole year where I could just live and enjoy life without working. I felt abundance was just flowing effortlessly to and through me. I could move freely towards any experience I truly wanted to have without restraint.
I have met incredible people. All the people I met while I was walking on the path to Santiago de Compostela, Renate, Gabi, Albert, Bianca, Sheila, Christine, and all the others. I have kept in touch with some, but all have touched me and brought me closer to myself.
Then the beautiful summer where I could spend some quality time with my parents and family, and with my family in Switzerland and have incredible connections there too.
And then, cherry on the cake, San Francisco, and all the people I have met there and who have become part of my family.
I feel so blessed and thankful for all I was given in 2007, and all I was allowed to give and share.
Today I feel light and loved and joyful. I know I am on my way.

Winter night lit by a fire

2007-12-30T19:31:00.000+01:00

I am sitting with my laptop on my knees, cuddled up on the couch right beside the fireplace.
My dad has lit a fire, it is not very warm yet, but the sight of it makes me feel warmer.
I spent most of my day on my computer, and typing, like playing the piano, tends to make me feel very cold, especially my hands. So I am warming up, with the heat and love of the fire my dad prepared at my request.
My brother and his girlfriend have just arrived. I can hear the noises and sounds of their arrival. I can feel my mum's excitement, and in a few moments they are going to open the door to the sitting room and I will greet them.
But right now I am enjoying this quiet moment where I can feel all these people around me, but I am slightly apart from them. It feels like I am taking distance to run and jump into the pool.
OK now I can feel the energy building up inside my chest. The door is opening, it's just my dad, amazed that I didn't go to greet them yet. I joke and laugh with him, but now I want to go. Jump into the pool.

Dr. Jivago and unemployment benefit

2007-12-29T17:29:00.000+01:00

Just watched the new version of Dr. Jivago with Keira Knightley.
Well I watched parts of it. Caught it in the middle, and was trying to get a printer to work at the same time so I didn't follow the whole of it - especially considering the length of the movie...
But the ending caught me.
I loved the way Keira Knightley acts, the depth of feeling I can feel through her and in her.
And the little boy is really good as well.
It distracted me for a little while, so I didn't have to think about what is really going on, and what I have to do.
I was sure it was Friday today. All day. So I wondered how come all the administrations I was calling were closed...
I was trying to call the Social Security - need to get registered with them again.
And then also the Social Welfare, and the Unemployment office...
All these things I really don't feel like doing, but feel like I need to do.
So now I am tensed.
Tensed because I did nothing on my to-do list (guess that's self inflicted, I forgot we were Saturday), and because of the whole internet thing I posted about yesterday and I am not sure if it is going to work out - not sure I want it to work out either.
Argh.
There is nothing I can do about any of it right now.
Yet I feel restless still.
Maybe I should just go and watch another movie.

Restless

2007-12-28T20:19:00.000+01:00

I felt restless today.
I feel like I need to start earning money now, or real soon.
And I want to earn money from home.
Some kind of internet business would be ideal.
I just had a look on the internet, and signed up for something. We'll see if anything comes out of it at all.
I just need something to start. Something that doesn't take too much time or energy, so I have enough time and energy left to work on what I really want to do. Hopefully I signed up for just that.
I can feel anxiety tightening my stomach. My eyes are itchy, my legs restless.
I will go away from the internet for a little while now, need to do something different.

Be wise

2007-12-27T12:30:00.000+01:00

I have noticed today that in French, when we want to tell a kid to be good, the word we use translates directly into "be wise" ("sois sage").
How interesting, that we expect a kid to be wise.
What does it actually mean?
Wisdom is a feature we typically expect to get with age. The "wise man/woman" is rarely pictured as a 20 year old... Let alone a 3 year old...
The encyclopedia Britannica tells us that wise means "characterized by wisdom : marked by deep understanding, keen discernment, and a capacity for sound judgment". Knowledge, insight, judgment. Can a kid have that?
Sometimes I feel like yes, they can. They can have a deeper sense of wisdom than many adults sometimes. Do they remember stuff we have forgotten throughout our years of conditioning?
I am wondering at the moment how I would be around my kids if I had any.
I look at my nephews and their parents, and really wonder how I would do things.
The more I look at it, the less judgment I have on how my brother and his wife are doing things.
Parents do the best they can, really.
And let's face it, our kids will probably need therapy anyway, no matter what we do...

Money, consciousness and abundance

2007-12-26T23:18:00.001+01:00

Things are settling down.
The energy is coming down from Christmas.
I can feel myself becoming restless and impatient inside.
I find it hard to be present here and now, no matter what.
Difficult one...
I want to be conscious and present while I am in France.
To stay aware of what is going on, even when I want to fall asleep and shutdown.
To try and stay conscious 5 more seconds before I react and get angry, sad, or frustrated. During these 5 seconds, the miracle can happen where I don't need to react anymore. Or not, but every 5 seconds more I can wait before reacting, I am learning something more about myself, my dynamics and my patterns.
Well worth it.
But at the moment, I just want to fall asleep and indulge in feeling like I want to be somewhere else, doing something else, with someone else.
Yet I don't quite know where I'd like to be, what I'd like to do, or with whom.
I know there are things to sort out before I can go anywhere.
MONEY. I need to find a way to earn money.
I want to earn money from home. I want to be able to work from home, wherever home is. I want to be able to work in my slippers and bathrobe if I so choose.
I want to be able to earn money from France, Switzerland, California or Honolulu if I want to.
I want to feel abundant. Right now, I don't feel abundant. I am painfully aware of my savings running very very thin in my bank account. I NEED TO DO SOMETHING is my background thought. The one that tightens my stomach and wakes me up hyperventilating.
Enough with the scarcity thoughts.
I can live in abundance. I just need to choose it.
When I feel scarce in money, I feel scarce in everything in my life: love, food, security. Scarcity makes me want to crawl back to bed in the middle of the day and sleep for a very long time.
Yet life around me is abundant.
Why can't I see it? Why can't I feel it?
Or rather, why do I choose not to see and feel it?

Christmas Day

2007-12-25T11:36:00.000+01:00

Today looking out the window feels like looking into a cotton ball.
There is a wing of fog that folds around the landscape. It feels like Christmas.
There is no snow here, but it is a white Christmas nevertheless.
I am listening to the Messiah (Haendel) in my room with my two aunts sitting around, chatting and reading and I am catching up with all the emails I haven't answered in months.
It is sometimes embarrassing to answer emails so late, but I figured Christmas Day is a good time to get back in touch with people.
Also, Christmas Day is always a bit slower here. A sort of recovery, mellow day.
The energy goes down from the high of Christmas Eve where we celebrate, exchange presents and have kids running around like headless chicken...
Kids are more grumpy or whiny today, still playing with yesterday's new presents, but the energy is definitely coming down.
We are tired, and feel like reading, listening to music, taking a nap, checking email and watching movies. Nothing too exciting. But still the togetherness.
Playing games is great for Christmas Day. We are still 10 people around the house today, so we can really play board games and have fun.
We'll probably do that later on, after kids and grown-ups have woken up from their nap...

Christmas eve

2007-12-24T15:32:00.000+01:00

Christmas eve - I remember when I was a kid... The excitement of this day. There would be presents and everyone together and good food and singing and playing music and going to bed late. Most often there would be me throwing up at some point too... Not sure if it was just too much excitement or too much food - maybe a combination of both.
Today things are different.
My brother's kids are excited, not sure they quite feel the way I used to feel then though.
I am enjoying the company and sharing and connection with my family much more than I used to. And I don't care about presents anymore. Maybe I care more about the food...
And I don't throw up anymore. I probably can hold more energy (and more food) than then...
Again, let's not talk so fast, the night is still young, and I did get sick last New Year's Eve (nothing to do with the drinking, I swear, just couldn't digest the strange frozen cake that had been brought by a friend for dessert)...
Things are different today. I am different. I don't care about the same things anymore.
I feel so grateful for my family and the way I feel loved even when nothing is said.
I feel loved even though there are many things I can't quite share, many things they wouldn't understand about me. It doesn't matter. I don't have to explain.
They can feel me. They love me.
I love them.
It is enough.

Awake

2007-12-23T06:39:00.000+01:00

It is 6:39 am and I am awake since 4:45 or so... Jetlag...
So instead of tossing and turning in bed I decided to grab my laptop and write...
There is a very particular feeling associated with being awake when everyone else sleeps around. Part of it may be the worry that I'll want to be asleep when everyone else is awake ;-)
But there is also something fresh and unique about it. It feels like I have a blank page I can write on right now. I can choose anything. It is so early.
The whole house is still wrapped in the slumbers of sleep. I can hear noise now. I think my father is waking up. I feel like I am watching. Listening. Being very present.
My eyes are burning with tiredness a bit, but I know that if I try to switch off the light and close them again, I will only be thinking and watching movies inside my head until I decide that I have enough, and finally get up.
I am getting hungry. My body really has no idea that it is really early and I should be sleeping. It is telling me it is time for breakfast and that's it!
Well, maybe I will just get up and feed myself... It is now 7 am.

Back home

2007-12-22T18:14:00.000+01:00

Well, I am back home, and heavily jetlagged...
It took me almost 24 hours door to door to get home, finally, between the flight delays and lost luggage and all...
But I got home safely, and am now settled in my room again.
As if San Francisco hadn't happened.
Yet it has happened and I feel different. Changed. At a very deep level.
I look at things and people differently.
I want to go back there, and settle there, and am not quite sure how yet, but I don't feel anxious about it, or impatient to know what will happen or how things will unfold.

I am back home, back into the strongest and oldest dynamics and patterns or my life.
Back into my yearning to be seen and loved, my desire to fit in and my fear of not fitting in. This is where it all started. As such, it is a very powerful place to be.
It holds a lot of drama and also potential for growth. This is how I want to see it.
It took me a while to get used to the idea of coming back home.
I was in San Francisco, and had these intense moments of repeating thoughts going wild with "I don't want to go back, I don't want to go back, I don't want to go back". And one day suddenly it shifted. I let go of the fear of coming back home. I also let go of the fear of how am I going to go back there, when will it be, what kind of visa, how do I get such a visa, etc...
Everything just dropped to a state of acceptance, and I can see the challenge I face, and how I can make the best of it, and how it is a beautiful place to be.
It is funny how every time I came back home after being away it took me a while to adjust, and during that time I felt pulled. My energy was not really here, it was still somewhere else.
And right now, it is different. My energy is here. It stays with me, no matter where I am. So I can stay present and take care of myself.

Wow! I have changed.

All is well

2007-11-29T23:15:00.000+01:00

Yes I know I haven't posted here in a very long time...
Well, things have been busy.
And I haven't been spending so much time on the web, which is probably a good sign.
Finally I have managed to get out of my shell, make real connections with people, and have a lot of fun!
So don't worry people, I am doing great, and just not online much!

Yoga and African dancing

2007-11-05T01:39:00.001+01:00

This weekend has been very active for me.
Started with me missing my first bus to go to yoga, so I ended up walking down to where I take the second bus, realizing that it only takes 25 min to get there.
Then the hour and a half of yoga allowed me to feel that my body is starting to get it, and resist a little less to the new way of moving yoga is teaching it. That was cool!
Then I walked another hour in Berkeley in the evening, and started again this morning with cycling down the hill to get to the BART station (OK I admit, I barely have to pedal to get there, it is all downhill, sometimes even seriously downhill...), and then from the BART station in Oakland downtown to the African dancing place, and then a good hour and a half of very active African dancing... Wow!
African dancing is really something. Great drummers, and rhythms that vibrate deep in our bellies. It feels as if the rhythm is moving us rather than us moving to the rhythm. That is, when the mind doesn't get in the way to try and control things. That's usually when I lose the step and feel all of a sudden like a dismembered puppet in a wild dance.
It is funny the way African rhythms resonate deeper in me than Cuban or Latino ones. As if these drums were deeply ingrained in my subconscious somewhere and the only thing I have to do is surrender to them and let my body do what it already knows, rather than learning it from scratch.
Dancing is a language. I will probably always speak African dancing with my own accent, like my roommate speaks it with a Cuban accent. But I can get to feel really comfortable with it, and that is probably the first time I feel like that with any dancing...

Richter scale and coaching

2007-11-01T05:58:00.000+01:00

Just found out that yesterday's earthquake was actually a biggish one - 5.7 on the Richter scale.
Well, I still didn't feel it much. I was happily listening to music in my room, and didn't hear the rolling noise, or felt the shaking of the ground. Might have been half dancing at the time so there.

So today saw me taking my first appointment with a life coach. I decided I needed a bit of help to figure out what I really want to do, and to focus on the next few feasible steps, so I called a lady whose phone number I had seen in the Bay area's free healthy living magazine... So far we got on well, and I am looking forward to our first session on Monday morning.
On top of it, her office is close enough to where I live, and I can cycle there. Need to have a proper look at the bike first - I noticed that part of the back break is missing - before going there, but I have already bought locks and a helmet, so I am nearly all set to start cycling around the area.
At the moment the weather is a bit foggy or cloudy, but sun still manages to break through the clouds in the afternoon, making sure we can enjoy warm enough fall afternoons, with the colorful beauty of the trees, and the dance of the very tame squirrels...

First earthquake

2007-10-31T05:47:00.000+01:00

Here my roommate just came to me to ask me if I just felt the earthquake.
You know what? I didn't even feel it.
Damn! Just missed my first earthquake!!
Probably better that way... :-)

Things are going well here. I love it.
I love the way people are so welcoming, and also challenging me into getting rid of all preconceptions I had about the US, different cultures and races, religions, about everything really. I love the way I can get fresh organic vegetable and fruit that is amazingly tasty, and LOCAL!!
I love the way people move, dance, and challenge me into moving and dancing more and better.
There is no way I am staying here only three months. Not near enough to discover everything I have to discover, live everything I have to live.
I will find a way.
The universe will find a way with me.
We will come back.

Issac Delgado

2007-10-22T22:52:00.000+02:00

On Saturday I went with my roommate and friends to a nice San Francisco club to see Issac Delgado live...
He is a Cuban singer, one of the best salsa singers in the world.
And listening to the incredible rhythm flowing effortlessly from him and his band, I realised how much many of us Europeans are rhythm-handicapped...
Looking at all these Cuban and Latino people moving freely and following all rhythms easily, I become more aware of my own awkwardness... Thank God I took a few months of salsa lessons back in Ireland so I can at least relate to the rhythm... It feels like a long time ago though.
Bathing in that music is a lot of fun though. The rhythms make it joyful and it is impossible to resist dancing to it.
This area of the San Francisco Bay is such a blessing for the many influences and musics and cultures that all seem to integrate into one.
I love this opportunity to get to know so many new styles and things I hadn't even imagined!

And now tonight I get to meet a friend for the first time. I had met her on tribe.net and she used to live in Seattle and is now moving to Italy. She is staying in San Francisco for a few days so we'll have dinner together tonight with another few friends. Guess where? In a French restaurant!!
It will be my first time being in San Francisco on my own at night time. That will allow me to get a feel for how Barts and buses and taxis work then.

Chris Howard weekend

2007-10-16T06:01:00.000+02:00

I just came back last night from a weekend seminar with Christopher Howard (www.chrishoward.com). It was a free weekend, got the link to get there from another girl on tribe.net.
So I booked my hotel in Santa Clara, deciding to stay in the hotel the seminar was in, so I wouldn't have to wander the streets after very long days of listening, dancing (yes there was loud music involved!) and changing beliefs.
The seminar was called Breakthrough to Success, maybe some of you know of it, or have already been there.
Basically the guy combines all the cutting edge techniques from psychology, psychotherapy and counseling, NLP (neuro-linguistic programing) and management techniques, as well as hypnosis. That makes it powerful. He also has a great energy, and managed to teach from 9am to 11pm for 3 days (well the third day was a bit shorter) without losing on energy, and without losing us either. I was impressed that over the three really long days, I didn't drift away for more than a few minutes!
Of course he used the opportunity to promote himself and his other workshops a lot, but still gave us really good tools for getting over our fears or limiting decisions that prevent us from going forward.
So today I mostly slept at first. I felt like I needed a lot of sleep to start integrating everything that went on over the weekend, and find myself on my feet again, but empowered.
I do feel like I have a clearer vision, and I feel much more confident that I can do anything, and everything I really want to.
And the best thing is, I got to meet a lot of people, some of which live around the corner from here!
And, on the side, I submitted today my first article to a magazine... Fingers crossed!

Cafe Gratitude

2007-10-06T06:03:00.000+02:00

Today I went to Cafe Gratitude in Berkeley.
It is an amazing place where people are smiling, and relaxed, and always positive.
All the dishes and drinks have names of the same format: "I am" and then some positive word like "abundant", "energetic", "courageous", etc... And when they serve the dish to you, they come to you and tell you "you are abundant" or the name of the dish you ordered. All of that with a smile, of course.
That place feels good. Have the feeling I am going to hang out there a bit.
Also, there are another two of these Cafes in San Francisco itself.
I will explore the one in the Mission district tomorrow, am meeting a friend there.
I still find it hard to ground. A glass of wine (doesn't even have to be large) sends me up above the clouds straight away, and I am particularly vulnerable to buying expensive things in the next hour or so until I come down at last... Hmmm. Haven't bought anything I regret though. That's good.
I am learning to take more time. And to trust.
I have the strong feeling that I don't need to control everything in this new experience. As a matter of fact, I don't feel like I need to control anything at all. Just go with the flow. And see where my heart leads me, at every moment of every day.
Exciting.

A week and a day

2007-10-04T02:35:00.001+02:00

Well, there is a week since yesterday that I am here.
The jet lag is over, but the culture shock is still lasting a bit, as I discover more and more new things that I had no idea about. There are cultures, religions, musics, languages, and ways of thinking here that are completely unknown to me. Sometimes it feels like I am on another planet.
And it is hard to ground. It just feels like it is easier to fly than to walk with the feet firmly on the earth.
I haven't met that many people yet, but I am giving myself time to do so. Right now I need time to integrate everything I have come across, observed and experienced. I don't want to throw myself into a whirl of activities and meetings without keeping time to stay centered.
But I can feel this place is facilitating a deep transformation within me. It is giving me a safe place where I can let go of all the thought patterns that do not serve me anymore, and loosen up to find and create who I really am.
It feels like what I am going to do will come later. First I need to answer the main questions. The rest will flow from that.

San Francisco first impressions

2007-09-27T00:29:00.000+02:00

I have landed yesterday in San Francisco, after a 3 hours flight delay, and could view a bit of the city and the bay from the shuttle car.
The weather was absolutely gorgeous and it was even pleasantly warm and summery.
I arrived to the house where I am going to stay and had a great evening sharing food, thoughts and experiences with my new landlady/roommate.
I ended up going to bed at 10pm local time, which was a normal enough time, but actually meant 7am to my body clock. I realised that I had been awake for 27 hours already!
I was still full of adrenaline but could feel the way my brain wasn't functioning 100% normally. A bit slow, or else words suddenly missing in the middle of my speech...
I woke up at 2am, my body clock telling me it was way past time to get up... But it was dark and I could thankfully get back to sleep until 8am.

The house I am staying in is beautiful, and here is the view from my bedroom!! Not bad, huh!!

So today I went for a walk around the house, and after a very steep road that seemed to go on for ever, as if it was going to bring me straight into the sky, I arrived at the trails of the redwood national park. Nice! So close! But you have to really deserve the view by climbing up there!

I am not quite sure of what I will do in the next few days, but I will start by taking it easy, and getting over the jet lag...

Soon, soon

2007-09-22T09:44:00.000+02:00

Time is getting tight before the big flight.
I am digitalizing CDs and sorting out books and will start on clothes soon.
I am still wondering how I am going to manage to fit everything in twice 23kg.
Hmmm... We'll see.
I learned with the Camino that I can live with very little anyway, so I can always remove things from the suitcases.
I am excited. In barely more than 3 days I will be at the other end of the world, and a new page will open. Where I can create anything I want.
I have almost finished re-reading the last Harry Potter, so I won't have to bring the book with me. Reading it a second time allows me to notice all the details I had missed in my hunger for the storyline the first time. I still read until 3am last night. Proof that even the second time around it has the power to captivate and engulf me and not let me go anymore.
But things are good, between the reading and sorting I am meeting the last few people I want to see before I leave. Busy times, but happy ones too...

Long lost song

2007-09-16T20:39:00.000+02:00

Today I found a song I had tried to remember for months.
It was a song I used to hear on the radio when I was at university in Bordeaux.
I remembered the feel of it, but couldn't remember either the name of the group or the title or the words or the melody... Basically I had just a vague feeling of the song left.
And well, today thanks to some clever research on the internet, I found it again! It was Lilicub's "Voyage en Italie".
Have a look:
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x141on_lilicub-voyage-en-italie
It is pretty kitsch but makes me smile every time.
I remember eating breakfast in the sunny kitchen of the flat I was sharing with my best friend in Bordeaux, and hearing the song on the radio while getting ready for university...
Nostalgia nostalgia...

Apart from that I am pretty much spending my time meeting people at the moment.
I haven't even started packing even though I have about a week left before the big flight...
Ah well.
I know it will be ok and everything will sort itself out, like it always does.
Today it felt more important to look for that song on the internet than to start thinking seriously of what to take with me.
Hmmm... I'll continue to go with the flow and we'll see what comes.

Got a room near San Francisco!

2007-09-02T23:17:00.000+02:00

That's it, the search is over.
I phoned a lovely lady this afternoon (well, morning for her) about a room for rent I had seen on Craigslist, and we really hit it off. So after over an hour conversation, we both agreed to end the search, she for a roommate, I for a place to live.
I have been on a little cloud ever since.
I knew it would go well. I felt guided.
But it is something else when it actually happens.
So to celebrate, I watched the Fifth Element again. On French TV.
It was strange to see Bruce Willis speaking French, but hey, I love Bruce Willis in any language. Especially in that tiny orange top designed by Jean Paul Gauthier!
Now all I have left to do is to work on a list of objectives I want to focus on while I am there.
So I don't "waste" my time having fun and forgetting why I am there for.
Ah, and also I need to start thinking of packing... Not quite the same to go somewhere for 3 months or for a week...
OK, I'll go and read a bit of Harry Potter to calm down (re-read in fact).

What a sunny day to write!

2007-08-31T12:09:00.000+02:00

I started to write this morning, and here is what came:

It is a sunny day.
Started cold, but sunny.
Something already.
Felt cold all night, what with the window wide open.
Now I am in a rather good mood.
Talked to a good friend of mine last night.
I hadn’t talked to him in almost 4 months.
He always makes me feel good. Reminds me of where the priorities are, and what makes life worthwhile.
Now I have to act on it.
So I start by writing.
35 minutes, as he said.
Start with that. Then we’ll see.
Maybe you will feel like writing more later on in the day.
But start with 35 minutes.
And then stop.
No matter what, stop.
Ok, I said. I will do it.
I heard him smile as he hung up.
Now I am here, and what.
Thinking of all the things I have to do.
All the things I have to think of.
It is not that easy to concentrate for 35 minutes.
But maybe I don’t really have to concentrate.
Who knows.
So soon I will be leaving the country.
Going somewhere where I have never been. Scary.
Exciting as well, but bloody well scary.
Why do I keep doing things like that?
Why can’t I find a job in my own country, have an active social security number and health insurance, find a husband, have kids, and then maybe bitch about it all?
Well that’s why.
I don’t want to bitch about my life.
I want to create my life so I love it.
Maybe it is the other way around.
Maybe I am supposed to love my life first, no matter what it holds, and trust that the changes will come from themselves?
Keeping in mind all the self help books I read. And I read many.
They all seem like that is it when I read them. Like at last I have the truth and if I follow their principles I will be happy. And then I follow the principles for a week and then I stop. Too unnatural.
I wish I could find a method that allows me to be happy without having to do things that seem to go against me, and require discipline.
Do I lack discipline? Yet I thought I could push myself a lot. I used to.
So what happened?
It seems that as I left the mould in order to create my life, I lost my entire rigor, my love for making plans and sticking to them, like the study plans I created and followed all my student life.
Now I am supposed to be creating something that makes me feel good, so I don’t do a thing. Because thinking about how to do it, trying to plan it etc… would not make me feel good.
Hmmm… Am I reaching some kind of deadlock?
Or maybe I am just still in my sludgy transition time and the only thing I need to do is honor it and love myself.
I wish we were born with some kind of user manual. Although if we were, we would probably do what we do with all user manuals – not read it and try to figure it out ourselves. Also it would probably take away a lot of the joy of figuring it out.
I don’t like slow times so much. I feel like I am here for great things, and great things mean living fast.
But then when I do live fast, it gets a bit too fast and I often wish I had more time to rest and relax. Never happy, am I?
Yet I can feel an incredible joy, deep in my stomach, a joy that pushes me to sing and whistle out loud all the time, even when I don’t know what to do, doubt about what I am here for, and feel that really I should be doing something…
Things are moving though. I can feel it deep in my body, deep in my soul. Even without “doing” anything, I am moving forward.
Always stay true to yourself.
Yes.
That’s what I want to do.
No compromise about that.
I want to stay true, and genuine. I want my mistakes, my pains, my joys, my discoveries to be real and from my heart.
So far, so good.
I find it hard not to know.
I wish I could have a glimpse of what the future holds. At the same time, I don’t want to spoil it. I know the future is as good as I make it in the present moment. Maybe what I wish more is that I knew the purpose, or the reason.
Why is more important than what.
Much more.
What will depend on how I interpret the why.
Interesting.

Hectic again

2007-08-17T01:37:00.000+02:00

Wow.
It was slow for a while, but speed sure came back into my life since 2 days.
I am getting ready for a yard sale in the village on the 26th of August, and will be gone from tomorrow until the 25th evening, so I have to sort out everything I want to sell.
So basically I had to dive into my old cupboard and the ones in the attic, sorting out what was really mine to sell, what I want to hold onto, what makes sense, etc...
At the same time I was writing an assignment for my writing course, which I managed to send off yesterday. It wasn't easy, as I developed some kind of enormous internal resistance to that assignment and really had to fight against myself to get it done. Glad it is finished and sent.
I also managed to send the cards and pictures I wanted to send to the nice hospitaleros or people who had marked my camino in Spain, at last!!
And... I booked my flight to San Francisco! So I'll go there on the 25h of September, and will come back to France at the end of December - my visa doesn't allow me to stay over 3 months. That's good enough for a first time anyway.
I still have no idea of what I will do there or where I will stay, but I trust and know deep inside me that all these things will get sorted out somehow, and perfectly on time.
Ok now it is almost 2am, I have a big day tomorrow driving with my brother and moving some furniture from friends' places to his place, so I'd better get ready for bed...

Home...

2007-08-12T23:52:00.000+02:00

Today I listened to a song by French singer/songwriter Francis Cabrel called "Les murs de poussière".
The song tells the story of a man who leaves his home (his little piece of land with an old bent tree in the middle of it, the soft light of the nights beside the fire that warmed up his father and the tribe of his ancestors, and his walls of dust) to try and find what he was looking for. He goes all around the world, tries everything, and ends up deciding to go back, because there was nothing as good as his little piece of land with the old bent tree etc...
As I was trying to sing with the song (I like the southern French accent of the singer, and the joyful rhythm of the song), I found myself almost choking with tears. My throat was closed with emotion, there was no way I could sing out loud.
I hadn't listened to that song in a long time, but it had never done that to me before.
The song carries a strong idea of home.
Home.
A home for me is a place where I feel peaceful, joyful and comfortable.
I know that I am the one who makes my home, and it doesn't depend on where I am.
Maybe I am looking too far outside of myself for answers that are in me...

Life in community vs. time alone

2007-08-08T23:00:00.000+02:00

I am realizing, while living with my parents and for the next week or so with my cousin and her family, that I need time on my own very much.
I can ignore the need for a few days, and enjoy spending time with people, especially when I haven't seen them in a long time, but after a few days I become really irritable, and absolutely need to take time on my own, to read, write, or just be alone in my room.
Today I had most of the day on my own with my aunt only, as the others went to a farm where there are plenty of activities for kids and adults alike, and I decided to stay so I could try and spend a bit of time writing.
I didn't spend much time writing, but I can feel that my mind and soul are more peaceful from the moments spent in solitude.
I do need and want to have people around me, but I have understood in the last few days how important it is for me to honor myself and give myself the time and space apart I need.
Goes back again to listening to my inner voice, really.

New page

2007-08-07T17:03:00.000+02:00

I have now resolved all the unfinished business I still had with Ireland.
Have closed my bank account, which was the last thing I had there.
It feels good.
One page is truly turned now.
The next page is still quite white, and sometimes makes me anxious with the infinity of possibilities it offers. I could do anything. So I am now trying to narrow down to what I really want to do, and start doing it. Starting with how to start doing it.
Not always easy, but always exciting.
We'll see what comes.
Doing the camino brought new questions, and a new depth to my reflections.
There is still plenty to do, booking the flight to the USA, finding a place to stay, finding something to do there, starting to earn money somehow, etc...
But there is also plenty to be, and that is beautiful.
I know that, as long as I am faithful to who I am and what I am here for, all will be well.

Discovering writing again

2007-08-06T18:17:00.000+02:00

The Harry Potter days have gone.
I finished the book on Saturday, devoured the half of it I had left in one go.
I just couldn't wait anymore.
And I was very very impressed.
I know I will read it again when I have time, slowly, so I can actually read through all the little paragraphs and clues I missed with my hungry way of reading it.
What a book. Made me feel like writing again.
So I started again.
One baby step at a time.
My aunt, cousin and all her family are here at the moment, so we are 8 people at all times and it makes it difficult to get time apart to truly dive into some writing or preparing for the future.
Today there was a moment though, right before lunch, where I felt I just had to honor myself and write. So after I had wriggled myself out successfully of the lunch preparing duties (there were enough people at it anyways), I went off and wrote for maybe 10 minutes.
When I came back to eat, my mum noticed my gaze looking far far away and asked me if I was still in it. Hmmm. Yes I was.
We'll see what comes in the next few days. I know I will need to make time for writing and taking care of myself.
Possibly a lot of time.

Harry Potter days

2007-08-04T15:08:00.000+02:00

I have at last received the last Harry Potter.
From Amazon, 3 days ago.
Have strained myself to wait one day before starting it, as my brother and his partner were visiting, and I knew my social skills would go down vertiginously as soon as I would start.
Now I have started and am very impressed with myself that I haven't finished it yet.
The temptation was great to read through the night, but I decided to stop reading when the perspective of sleeping was more attractive than continuing the book.
What a book. What a universe.
J.K. Rowling really managed to create a universe that I want to get into and never to leave again. The return to "reality" is always painful and slow.
Dreams of flying brooms and wands follow me in my sleep, and thoughts of what might happen next drop uncontrollably into my mind all day.
And it is the last one.
I really admire J.K. Rowling for starting such a bestseller series of amazing books when she was a single mother, and jobless.
Great inspiration.

From Santiago to California

2007-07-19T11:38:00.000+02:00

Things are moving again.
I feel tired today. Wanted to go straight back to bed after breakfast. So now it is almost 12pm and I am still in my pajamas, doing nothing productive... Ah well.
Apart from that, as I was saying, things are moving again. I checked out the flights to San Francisco, there are some pretty cheap ones.
I decided I wouldn't go by boat the first time, as it would take too much time and money, and would rather use these exploring the area where I want to live, rather than traveling to get there. Also I want to go there for 3 months first, come back to France for Christmas, and then see.

Hmmm getting back to this post, it is 11:30pm. After a nice sunny day where not much productive happened.
Well I helped my mum to sew a top, swam in the swimming pool and spent some time in the sun, and felt pretty miserable all day, for some reason.
I tried to call the US embassy in Paris to check if my visa would still be valid even though I left the company that first helped me to get it, but it seems I have to pay 14.50 Euro to get through to their Visa line, and get the smallest bit of information... And of course, by the time I got to it, it was closed anyway.
I don't want to book my flight before I am sure that my visa is valid.
Also, I have registered myself on a website to find a roommate around San Francisco, as I thought it would be a good way of limiting accommodation cost, and meeting people straight away.
So the good thing is, I feel ready to move on and start thinking about and preparing my stay in California. I am not stuck in Santiago anymore.
But I am still a bit fuzzy headed... I have ideas about what I want to do with my life, but I feel there is something missing. One key that would unite and balance the whole lot maybe. I can feel my mind is searching restlessly, as if I had forgotten to do something but couldn't remember what.
So we'll see how it goes in the next few days.

14th of July, time to celebrate!

2007-07-14T23:18:00.000+02:00

Today is the French national day. I only remembered it in the middle of the afternoon though, and didn't do anything different to mark the day.
BUT
I spent the day with my parents, had a friend over for lunch, and my brother, his partner and her daughters and granddaughter arrived tonight. It is lovely, haven't seen them in a while and I enjoyed the dinner and night together a lot.
So there was a lot of celebrating going on anyway.
I think I am adjusting to the situation and the fact that I just need plenty of rest and relaxing at the moment. Things are perfect as they are.
I am not pushing myself to do things I don't feel like doing yet, but feel the urge to start reading and listening to the seminars and teleclasses I had downloaded a while ago but never listened to, as well as all the newsletters I received and stored without reading while I was walking. I will get to it as soon as my brother and his family leave tomorrow I think.
In the last few days, I have helped my mum to sew some dresses for me. We are still in the middle of the second one, and it is a lot of fun to do it together. I am learning a lot from her, and enjoying it a lot, even though I know that sewing is not one of my passions, and I certainly wouldn't do it for a living. Sewing together feels really like sharing quality time with my mum.
So things are getting better. I am still not feeling really at peace, but becoming less restless.
Life feels a bit less strange.
I am adapting to the new page of my life that is starting.
All is well.

What next?

2007-07-09T21:07:00.000+02:00

Yep, this is the question that is in my overactive mind most of the time at the moment.
I can feel that I need time.
I can feel that I am restless.
I can feel that I need to just be for a while.
But my mind is racing, trying to think of the book I want to write, the things I want to sort out, the next steps after the summer, etc...
Nothing is really happening because I am not ready, but I find it hard to just relax, even though I know it is the only thing I need right now.

Anyway today I took the decision not to go on holidays to Crete with my aunts in September. I feel I need to focus my energy around here, spending time with my family, maybe visiting the few relatives and friends I have in France and Switzerland, as I will then probably not see them for a while, when I go to the States. It would have been nice to go, but it doesn't feel like that is where I should focus my time, money and energy right now.

Things are a bit strange at the moment.
I have the feeling I am doing nothing all day. Wasting time. But I know that I couldn't do more even if I wanted it.
So we'll see, I will give myself a bit more time, so I can evacuate the restlessness.

Back home

2007-07-05T21:15:00.000+02:00

Well that's it.
I am home again.
After over 12 hours in the train I arrived the day before yesterday in Hendaye, where my parents picked me up. From there I dove straight back into action really.
Yesterday we were invited for lunch at some friends of my parents' on the way back from the Pyrenees, and last night we had a goodbye party for a friend / ex-teacher of mine who is retiring.
This morning I took the train to Bordeaux where I had a doctor's appointment - just a normal check-up, nothing serious, and my aunt drove me back in the afternoon.
I feel almost as if I had never left, but at the same time I cannot forget that I did go.
I can feel my heart is split open. I miss my Camino friends, Renate, Albert, Gabi, Christine, Paolo, and all the people who have counted so much for me, and became my family while I was walking. So I can feel like I am functioning, acting normal in the "real world", answering people's questions and all, but really my head and heart are still somewhere else, around Santiago, still processing the incredible amount of experiences, emotions, insights and encounters I just lived.
It feels like there is a gap between other people and me. Maybe that's why I miss my Camino family so much, because they know what I just went through, they understand what is in my eyes when I look far far away or what my silences mean. And it's OK that people here don't quite get it. How could they anyway? I can try to explain, but there are no words to really express how I feel, how numb, joyful, hopeful and sad I feel all at once.
I feel a bit as if I forgot something, but don't know what it is or where to look for it.
I can feel I need to give myself time to get back. Time to find the peace I am looking for.
I let go of many things at the lighthouse in Finisterre. I felt free, and it all made sense when I left and burnt things on the rocks there, in the fog, with the lighthouse booming its deafening warning to the boats every minute.
Coming back to Santiago, I felt an urgency to get rid of my pilgrim skin, clothes and shoes. I just needed to quickly get new, more feminine clothes and shoes, and perfume to get rid of the pilgrim smell (we had to wash my clothes twice for them to smell normal again!!). Then I had so many people to meet, to say goodbye to, and before I knew it, I was in the train, with my heart half bleeding.
So I suppose I'll just give myself the time and space I need. I will listen to myself even more, and will see how things evolve in the next few days.

Fisterra

2007-06-29T21:02:00.000+02:00

That's it!
I made it in 3 days! 90 km in 3 days are not bad I find...
22km the first day, 34 (yes!) km yesterday and 31 today. I have another 3 left tomorrow to go to the lighthouse of Finisterre that really will close it.
Today has been a gorgeous and warm day, what a pleasure to arrive with such a weather to the sea. Here in Fisterra there are amazing beaches, and it feels almost like I am a tourist, if I overlook my pilgrim look and smell and way of walking.
My feet didn't like me too much since yesterday, with the long distances walking...
And I thought I had left many things in Santiago so that my rucksack would be lighter, but really it didn't make much of a difference, first because I had to carry more food because of the longer stretches without any way of getting any, and also because I picked things on the way. Best example today: we walked for about 100m on green jasper. Literally.
Do you think I looked, took a picture and thought how nice? No way! I filled a whole plastic bag with smaller and bigger pieces of beautiful green to blue jasper. Must have added at least a kilo to what I was already carrying.
But hey! I made it, I am proud of it, and glad that I have the stones. They will be wonderful presents to give away. And to keep, of course. Special camino energy!
So tomorrow I will walk to the lighthouse, will burn the old clothes symbolically, have a bath in the ocean if I manage to face the cold of the water, and will take the bus back to Santiago.
Then I will have a couple of days to at last experience pilgrim mass, and relax, before taking the train back on Tuesday morning.

Santiago

2007-06-26T18:38:00.000+02:00

That's it!
I am in Santiago since 2pm today!
I had to walk 30km yesterday, so that there were about 20-22 left today.
The entrance into the city was not so nice, right beside the road, with many cars and lorries circulating at very high speed, or so it seemed to me.
Then again, at the moment even bicycles seem fast.
My feet were pretty sore after the 30km yesterday - imagine, I arrived at the albergue shortly before 6 pm, and I had been walking since 7:30am! But I was proud of myself.
Tomorrow, I have taken my decision now, I will start walking towards Fisterra. I'd like to take my time to get there, i.e. take 4 days instead of 3 times 30km as planned. I will have to have a 34km day anyway due to the lack of accomodation between the two places, but any time I don't have to, I won't. And I'd like to get there for the full moon, which is on the 30th of June. So leaving tomorrow gives me exactly the time to get there.
Then, I'll come back to Santiago on Sunday, and will stay here until Tuesday morning where I have my train back to France. That will close the adventure.

So you will ask, I can almost see you mouth half open, waiting and expecting, what about Santiago?
Well, I haven't reached enlightenment just because I arrived here, went into the cathedral, got the compostela or visited the tomb of the apostle. It is as I expected, very touristic, many people everywhere, also beggars, which I didn't expect, and many many many tourist shops.
It is also a very beautiful city. The centre has many amazing buildings, and it is nice to walk in.
I found it very hard to find the cathedral. I expected to see it from far away, potentially from 5 km or so, but really there was nothing to be seen until 100m beforehand, if even. That made the entrance into the city feel even longer and harder. My feet started to get sore, it was tough. But it was nice to make it and have a feeling of completion.
However, I can feel that there is something calling me, pulling me to Fisterra and to the sea, and I can feel that the end of my pilgrimage is in four days, not now.
So I'll let you guys know how it goes. I find it hard to relax now and feel that I have achieved something. I haven't had time to get to the pilgrim mass - which is at 12pm every day - so I'll do that when I come back. Then it will be over.

Fleas...

2007-06-24T18:51:00.000+02:00

Yep! That was missing so far...
But 2 or 3 days before Santiago - depending of how much I manage to walk tomorrow - I got fleas.
Or something similar. I have been bitten or stung over my whole body yesterday afternoon until this morning, and have now many extremely itchy red patches all over the place, especially the arms, hands, neck, shoulders, legs, feet, etc...
I walked the whole day concentrating on not scratching, and my first concern when I arrived in the albergue in Melide was to make sure there was a washing machine so I could wash absolutely everything I have including the sleeping bag. And, oh joy, there was one! And even a dryer! So all of my clothing possessions passed through the whole cycle and hopefully the heat and detergent killed any animal that dared taking refuge in my stuff and use my skin as a kitchen. So now, at least psychologically, it feels better.
I have also bought an antihistamin cream and tablets, just in case, and new ear plugs in case the old ones are infested...
Ha! Interesting itchy times, but I suppose it's part of it as well, and I can show my flea scars as well as my blister scars when I come back!
Apart from that, the weather has been sunny for two days and it is a pleasure to walk, especially as it is not too hot. Perfect. Hope it holds.
Ah yeah, and I ate octopus today! It is a specialty of the area, and very tasty as well. Only a bit weird to eat the tentacles, and especially to see them cook whole in huge copper cauldrons full of water.
Time is accelerating as I reach Santiago in so few days. We'll see what the next days hold in store.

Galicia, or "I don't believe in witches but I know they exist"

2007-06-22T16:57:00.001+02:00

I am now in Galicia since a few days. It is the last Spanish province that I will walk in, as it is the one where Santiago is.
It is a land of green hills, forests and cows, and of witches. In a German friend's travel guide, the description of Galician people touched on ambiguities such as "I don't believe in witches but I know they exist", which I find very amusing...
So far it has been raining most days, and it is rather cold. I actually bought a poncho a couple of days ago, on top of my rain jacket and rucksack protection, because I was pissed off with being all wet up to the waist. So now I can deal with the rain better, that is when I think of taking out the poncho on time...
It reminds me of Ireland a lot here. First, there is a huge Celtic influence in Galicia. Celtic symbols can be found in many places, and even the weather is similar! Which, of course, means that the landscapes are the greenest I have seen in Spain so far...
Days are not as monotonous as on the Meseta, but the path is a bit harder on the knees, with all the slopes up and down, sometimes quite steep. The good side of it is, I think less about my feet, and it turns out they feel much better than on the Meseta!
I actually enjoy walking here, in spite of the rain, on the paths in old oak woods and under pine trees. And the few times where it gets a bit warmer, the air smells nice of honeysuckle, rosemary and other wild flowers that I wouldn't be able to name, especially in English (but in French or any other language neither, to be honest).
There are two people that I keep meeting every few days, a German lady and a Dutch guy, and the three of us form a sort of little family. It is always a joy to find each other again, and a bit lonely when we let each other go. But every time we think we won't meet again, the Camino proves us wrong a few days later.
But now, I am reaching the end. Santiago is only 4 or 5 days away, and it is very strange to think about it. I am starting to understand why people do it again and again. I met some people who were walking the Camino Francés for the 4th or 5th time. I couldn't understand them...
Now I don't think I would do it, but at least I can feel what pushes them.
There is a sort of sadness in the air, maybe nostalgy already, thinking about what we have gone through, and how close we are to the end. I have the feeling that arriving in Santiago must be a climax and an anticlimax at the same time. We'll see I suppose...
The path keeps teaching to let go...

Rain, love and laughter

2007-06-16T12:43:00.000+02:00

It feels like I haven't been on the internet forever, and yet it is only 3 days. Funny how time is all relative. At the same time I can't believe that it is already Saturday. Today is the 30th day that I am on my way.
And yesterday was exactly one moon, as I started on the last new moon.
Now I have climbed up and down the mountain I was talking about last time. The walk up was nice, the walk down beautiful but a bit tiring for the knees and thighs (I can feel it today) - we went up about 600m in 5-6 km, and down 1000m in also 5-6km.
There is something special about the mountains. It is another world up there. The villages are different, people are different, nature is different. It is hard and peaceful at the same time.
The last 2 days have been incredible.
I had a beautiful experience with rain. The day before yesterday I was walking up, until Foncebadón. And from Rabanal del Camino until Foncebadón, where it was going up the most steeply, it started raining. When I say raining, it was really pouring!! Incredible!
Within less than 10 min I was soaked. My trousers were sticking to my legs, and little by little I could feel that I was only wearing them for decency reasons, as really they didn't protect me at all anymore. And, my shoes started getting wet also. I don't know if the gore-tex suddenly had enough and gave up, or if the socks getting wet started filling the shoes with water, so that every step made a nice splashing sound. The mountain was probably beautiful, but I didn't get much of it, first because I couldn't see much past the front of my hood, and also because I had no inclination to try and do so...
Suddenly I saw a couple walking before me, maybe 20 m ahead. It reassured me, at least I wasn't the only one battling with the rain. Suddenly, as I looked up, they stopped, in the middle of the rain, and exchanged a passionate kiss that lasted at least 30 seconds.
After the original surprise, I could only smile when I passed beside them and greeted them - and realised they were a Spanish couple well into their 40s or 50s. And something shifted in me. I started to smile in the rain. I was wet anyway, so I might as well enjoy this rain that was beautiful and regenerating and freeing in a way. And I started to be thankful. Thankful that my feet were not too sore, that my jacket was completely waterproof, and that my rucksack was also protected, which meant that I would be able to change into dry clothes as soon as I arrived. And the more I was thankful, the more I smiled, the better I felt.
I even had to laugh out loud a few times.
It was just beautiful.

Soon back to the mountain

2007-06-13T18:28:00.000+02:00

These days I don't seem to manage to walk a lot.
Well, between 16 and 20km a day, not more.
Yesterday I was thinking of walking 30 km almost, my feet felt good in the morning and all, but when I arrived in Santibañez de Valdeiglesias, the village seduced me so much that I had to stay there. We ended up being only 4 pilgims in the albergue that night, so we had a whole room each, and a beautiful dinner with spaghettis cooked the real way by the Italian hospitalero. It was really great. And this morning the sunrise was absolutely fabulous over a landscape of hills with fields of cereal nearly ready to harvest, forests, and little rabbits who were stopping to look at me on the stony path.
I enjoyed stopping in Astorga for almost 3 hours, taking in the atmosphere or the town, visiting the cathedral and eating some of the specialties. After that I thought I would still have 10km in the legs, but my feet categorically refused to go further after 5km. So I am staying in a wonderful little albergue in Murias de Rechivaldo, in an old house typical of the area, and will attack the mountain tomorrow. Tomorrow is quite a tough day, as we go from about 900m, to 1500 in maybe 10-15km. and then we go down again even lower, in less kilometers.
I am looking forward to the climbing bit, as the flat spaces of the Meseta are not as gentle on the feet as it seems, especially with all the stones.
My feet are ok, I am dealing with the blisters, which are thankfully not too painful, and just listen to them telling me when to stop. I received today a foot massage from a German lady who is set up in the village here, and she told me at the end that basically I am not a walker, my feet are small and narrow for my height and weight, and of course I have problems. However she gave me hope that they'll get used to it after some time. :-)
Thank God!

25th day, and the first blisters!

2007-06-11T15:04:00.000+02:00

I thought that, as I hadn't had blisters all this time, I was just lucky and could basically throw away my compeeds!
Wasn't I inspired to keep some...
I got my first two blisters yesterday, both together at the heel of the right foot, quite small but pretty deep and painful... And somehow my first reaction was to think "first blisters, woohoo!". Make a wish kinda state of mind...
Weird, huh!
Anyway. Yesterday I passed through León. I can't really use other words, as I literally arrived there around 10:30am, and left again around 12:15pm.
I loved it though, don't get me wrong!
As I arrived, and discovered the old part of the city, I got near the cathedral and saw a procession that was just leaving the cathedral. Little girls in white throwing flower petals, many men carrying heavy statues of the Virgin or other saints, and lots of golden religious objects that I only saw in museums or Spanish cathedrals so far and don't even have proper words to describe...
I managed to then get into the cathedral that was still full of the smell of incense, and was absolutely blown away by its power and beauty. Somehow the feeling there was much stronger for me than in the cathedral in Burgos.
Then I visited the other couple of things that one can't miss in León, and tried to find something to eat, but there was the problem: it was Sunday, before 12pm, and nothing was open. The few bars that were open would, if really pushed, serve croissants but that was about it.
With my breakfast far behind me and the 3 hours walk, I was starving...
I managed to find a nice cafeteria that made a sandwich with tortilla de patatas for me, which was the nicest thing I had ever eaten, considering the state of hunger and almost desperation I was in, and a coffee.
I then confirmed with the barman that nothing would open that day, and thought OK, I might as well go further so I don't have to get out of León in the early morning (I have noticed that it kinda depresses me to have to go through the not so nice part of a town first thing in the morning, before 7am).
So I did, and managed to get to Virgén del Camino by 2pm.
Today I did only 14km, because the only place to stop next was 12km further and my blistered feet absolutely disagreed when I tried to push further...
But I think it makes sense to let my feet and my body dictate how much I walk each day, rather than my eager head who is already planning ahead which day I might enter in Santiago...
And, by the way, I am starting to seriously consider going until Finisterra, which means not stopping in Santiago, but continuing about 90 km until the "end of the earth", i.e. the sea. I was told many times it was really worth it...
We'll see what my feet say when I get there...

Morning storm

2007-06-10T07:26:00.000+02:00

It is 7:25 am and still I haven't left the albergue.
Suprising, as I woke up just after 5am and was really ready around 6:30.
I woke up very early the last couple of days, and was blessed with the most beautiful sunrises as a reward for my early starts. Today however, a storm greeted us as we were having breakfast, and we really didn't feel like setting off in the rain, so most of us are waiting that the rain slows down so it is walkable...
In the meantime, the computers are being used a lot, you can imagine! And, to answer your worried question, yes, the storm is now gone, it is only raining a bit, so it is safe to use the computers...
Today I am walking until León. Then we'll see how it goes. It also depends on the weather a lot, as I don't fancy walking further than necessary in the rain.
Well it seems some people are leaving now so I'll go as well and enjoy the newly refreshed (and still quite wet) air...

25km, and a small tendinitis

2007-06-09T18:22:00.000+02:00

Would you believe that it is possible to have a tendinitis on the top of the foot?
Well, I have one since the day before yesterday.
Not bad though, and I have bought a homeopathic antiinflammatory cream that seems to help a lot, as well as sort of elastic bandages to put around the metatarsal area, and that have a sort of antishock gel pad underneath for walking. I walked with these today and my foot wasn't swollen when I arrived, even though I walked 25km.
I had planned on walking about 19km, but I met a lady in Reliegos, about 6km before the town where I wanted to stop, and she told me about this new albergue that was great and had plenty of space, but was another 12km further. So I walked until there.
The last 6km were a bit tougher, as it was getting hot, and the road was straight and uninteresting (right beside a national road loaded with traffic) so I busied my mind counting my steps or singing (yes, yes, sounds weird but hey, you don't know what you would do to make these last kilometers pass quicker!) and before I expected it, I arrived!
That makes tomorrow much easier, as I have only 12 km before arriving in León, and I have the choice then: either I like the town, and spend my saved energy walking about and visiting, or I want to escape the hustle and bustle as soon as possible, and I have enough strength to continue to the next village.
So we'll see how it goes tomorrow. In the meantime I need to go into town to buy some food for tonight, as there is a nice kitchen here where it would be nice to eat with the other pilgrims (what's more I had a big lunch around 3pm when I arrived so I certainly don't need a big dinner as well).
It is interesting how the camino is changing. At the beginning, it seemed that the same people were walking together, and it felt like a big family. Now, people are more on their own. I meet some people again, but usually 2 or 3 days in a row and then I lose them again. People seem to need the tribe less, and be more on the way towards themselves. It is an interesting time for me as well, and I like everything about the journey, even the sore feet...

Calzadilla de la Cueza under the sun

2007-06-06T16:07:00.000+02:00

I walked today to Calzadilla de la Cueza, a small village with a church, an albergue and a bar and not much more...
The walk today was 17.2 km or so, which as such is not huge, but what made it longer is that between Carrión de los Condes and Calzadilla, there is absolutely nothing. 17 km of flat fields of cereal, and the stony way in between. Incredible!
Some people were clever enough to put a new bar exactly in the middle, and I didn't see any walking pilgrim who didn't stop for a bocadillo or at least a coffee...
Still, the experience was exhilarating, sometimes hard, but somehow it felt like I got into some kind of trance after a while of walking at the same rhythm, with the same landscape.
Now I am happy to have arrived, showered, washed my clothes and eaten, and I can relax for the rest of the day.
There is a well closeby where the water is incredibly pure and delicious, there are fields all around, and stones and dust. I am going to wait for the evening when it is not so hot, to go and walk around the village and take in the atmosphere of this small lost place in the middle of nowhere, that seems to live mostly because of its albergue.
Yesterday, Carrión de los Condes was a long day to start with, about 20km, but I felt I had to stay there for the night. I could already have stopped at the village before, about 5 km beforehand, but I felt something calling me at Carrión. I stayed at a big albergue that was part of a convent - first time so far that I am welcome into a place by nuns - and used the afternoon, despite my tired feet, to walk around the town. I even made it to the Monasterio de San Zoilo, on the way out of town. I arrived there at a time where it was open for visits, and had the incredible luck and honour of sitting about half an hour in the beautiful closter, at a time where it was bathed by the evening sun. There I understood what had called me there!!
I could almost hear the monks walking around the closter and chanting, it was so peaceful!
So today there is less to do around here and I can let my feet rest more.
They are ok so far. I can't say that they are much better than before I stopped, but somehow they go along with me and as long as I rest regularly and massage them often, they don't give me too much trouble. We'll see how it goes and if at last this path can stop being a path of suffering...

The break continues...

2007-06-04T12:58:00.000+02:00

Well, this is interesting...
My two days in Boadilla del Camino were great. The place was really literally like an oasis in the desert, and the hospitaleros were absolutely lovely and took care of me as if I was at the same time a hurt little bird and a long time friend. It was almost painful to say goodbye to them yesterday morning.
But, as I was getting ready to walk 25km, yesterday, I noticed that my feet were still swollen. Less sore, true, but swollen.
So I thought: I'll walk the first 6km, and if they are sore then, I will stop and stay there for one or two nights again.
And sure enough, as I arrived in Frómista, my feet were crying again. So I stopped, had something to eat and some coffee (you wouldn't believe how much coffee I drink everyday here. And Spanish coffee is soooooo nice!!), and, as it was only about 9am, I started to try and look for a place where I could stay for one or two nights. I didn't feel like staying at the albergue, so looked for a pensión or casa rural instead, trying to find one that wouldn't rush me to the end of my finances either. So I walked around and walked around, saw one, thought nah, let's see if there are others, but it wasn't flowing. Either there were no single rooms left, or no one to talk to at all. So I went back to the first one I had seen, and rang the bell. A lovely lady came down, told me there was a single room for two nights, and gave me an affordable B&B price. So I stayed there.
And I slept about 2 hours in the afternoon, and still went to bed around 9pm last night.
I can't believe how much I have been sleeping in the last two-three days. I must really have needed it, as I am still happy to go to bed around 9 or 9:30 pm, and don't feel like going out partying at all. I think my feet were the weakest link, but if I had gone further and ignored what they were telling me, my whole body would probably have crumbled down as well!
So now I am quite thankful for my feet to be such excellent indicators of tiredness and health boundaries.
Of course, I am not in an albergue, so this break is a bit more solitary, but I think I need that as well. Now I haven't walked properly for 3 days, and I am starting to miss it. Also, I feel like I am a bit out of the whole pilgrimage path. I am not quite a pilgrim, and not quite a tourist either. It feels a bit weird. Hopefully I won't have time to truly find an identity as "the-pilgrim-who-is-currently-resting"...
As my feet don't seem to truly unswell, I thought I would treat them to some therapy. So first, I bought some salt and vinegar, and bathed them. Now they feel all soft and happy, but still swollen. As I have plenty of salt and vinegar, I'll give them another couple of baths today, to see if it helps.
Then, I have booked a massage in a therapy centre. I am not sure what they offer, so we'll see. The massage is scheduled tonight at 6. If they do some reflexology or foot massage, I am sure to go for that. I can't wait to see how it goes.
That's the thing, you see, my job is to walk, and then there is a whole routine that comes from walking: first, getting up early, having some breakfast, getting the rucksack ready, making sure I have enough water, saying goodbye to the hospitaleros if some kind of relationship had started, and then walking, taking breaks, talking to other pilgrims, stopping somewhere for coffee and a sandwich if possible, then arriving at the next albergue, signing in and paying, having a shower, wash clothes, eat, and relax and then find a nice place to have the pilgrim menu in the evening, before going back to the albergue, brushing teeth, and going to bed. All of that really takes most of the day.
So when I don't walk, that means the whole morning is free, there is little if any clothes to wash, and only few pilgrims to talk to, so the day ends up a bit empty.
Hence my delight when I found Hermann Hesse's book Siddartha in the last albergue in Boadilla. I am already half through it, even though it is in German. It suits the camino quite well actually.
So these days, when I am not walking, I am really taking my time to do everything. To read, to eat, to walk around, to shop, etc...
OK, I'll let you know soon how it goes. In the meantime I will take some time to write a few emails before my internet connection times out.

Break!

2007-06-01T18:33:00.000+02:00

Today I am staying in Belloado del Camino, which means that I walked about 19km today. I took long breaks and went slowly but still the last 4km felt like the road was never going to end.
My feet were getting really sore, and my shoulders as well with the bag. Yet the path was nice and the weather perfect for walking: sunny but not too hot. However I didn´t enjoy much of the last hour. So I thought, why not stop for a day.
Belloado is a very small village, less than 140 people. So I thought, if I stay here for a day, I will really rest. There is only one shop that is tiny and situated in a bar, but the albergue is comfortable, and has a restaurant so really I can relax all day tomorrow in a nice setting.
I saw so many people getting sick on the camino, or getting a tendinitis and having to stop for a few days, that I realised that it could happen to me if I don´t stop.
On top of the physical side, I have received so many impressions, felt so many things in the last 2 weeks that I can feel the need of stopping to process the whole lot.
So we´ll see how it goes! Maybe tomorrow I am so bored that I spend my whole day on the internet!
Then again, maybe not...

sore feet, cold weather and incredible encounters

2007-05-31T17:57:00.000+02:00

Today was my 15th day of walk.
Wow.
I thought I wouldn't have painful feet by now, but guess what! Yes, they still hurt.
I think since I overdid it one day a week ago and could barely walk when I arrived at the albergue, they haven't properly recovered. They seem to stay swollen underneath all the time now.
So if I stop often enough and massage my feet, and don't do over 20 or 22 km a day it is manageable, but they really don't let me forget about them. So I think I will take it easy again over the next few days, trying to walk 15 to 20 km a day only, which is actually quite pleasant because it means I can arrive early and relax in the afternoon. I can feel my feet are very happy about this resolution.
Apart from that it is still cold, and very windy.
I never thought I would be so cold at the end of May in Spain! But really I am walking with almost all of my clothes on me, which is a problem then when I need to wash them, because I get cold while they dry. I am hesitating to buy more jumpers or another pair of trousers though, because I am thinking, if suddently we hit a heatwave, I will have to carry them for nothing. But I suppose I could always send them to Santiago to wait for me until I get there! That is a possibility anyway.
Well I won't be able to buy anything today though, as I am staying in Castrojeriz, a little village of less than 1000 people, where the only thing I saw open was a little alimentación shop and a bar. Even the churches are closed, which is a pity as they are supposed to be lovely.
But well, that means more rest for me and my feet and I can take it.
I am staying in a little lovely albergue, where I could do a wash in a real washing maching, and even use the dryer!! And there is a kitchen, so I invented a dish of pasta, olives, green asparagus and sardines in tomato sauce and well, it was lovely. Exactly what I needed.
Yesterday, I left Burgos in the morning. Burgos was nice, plenty of things to see (you might understand why my feet are cross with me), but still a city, and I decided to stay in a tiny refuge 26 km out of the town, where there was no hot water, barely electricity, only a well where we could brush our teeth and wash our clothes and more if we were really up to it (I don't think anyone did much more than washing their face and hands, as the weather was cold and windy and the water veeeeery cold). It was really in the middle of nowhere, there were no toilet either, only fields around...
But it was nice and friendly and I enjoyed the peace out of the city. I felt like I could truly recharge my batteries.
I was happy to have a hot shower today and to wash my clothes though!
And now that I have learnt to let go, it feels like the encounters with people are more intense, deeper, even though they last less. So far anyway.
It is often the case on the camino that we meet people once, and then again a few days later, or sometimes much longer later, and we can then reconnect.
But I think the most incredible encounter so far is with myself.

Rain, cold, new shoes and letting go

2007-05-27T18:33:00.000+02:00

I haven't found an internet connection for quite a while, so excuse my silence.
It doesn't mean that anything is wrong, quite the contrary really.
Last time I posted here I had bought new shoes.
Well guess what! I bought new shoes again!!!
You see, the shoes I bought in Estella were cheap and not that great, and after a few days I realised that they were really making my feet sore, so when I arrived in Logroño, which was the next big town I could be in, I decided to go and look for a proper trecking or sports shop, which I found, and I bought proper nice timberland shoes, gore tex and all, and new antishock insoles.
However, of course it still means new shoes, and it makes feet sore.
So the next day I did a small enough day, maybe 16 or 17km, so my feet could get used to the shoes. And they were ok. I was all happy.
The next day I had planned on walking either 10 or 16km, depending on how it would go and how my feet would feel. But I started walking with a German lady in the middle of the day (I had met her already but we bumped into each other again in Nájera, where we both decided to visit a gorgeous monastery and church), and she decided to continue after the 16km.
And I ignored the plea of my feet to try and foll0w her, only to discover after a few kilometers that I had lost her, it was starting to rain, and I had another 8km to walk at least before finding any place to stay for the night.
By the time I reached the albergue, I was soaked, exhausted, hungry, quite annoyed with myself, and my feet were screaming with pain. I could have cried.
On top of it I walked at least 2km too many to try and find the albergue.
But I learnt my lesson.
Never again will I ignore my body when I feel I need to stop. No matter who I am walking with and how nice they are.
For that day nevertheless, the experience ended up being great, as I ended up in a tiny refuge, with only 8 beds, and a lovely Austrian lady who was taking care of it.
She gently took my rucksack of my back when I arrived, gave me a glass of water, later a glass of wine, and the whole experience in that albergue was so beautiful it made me feel good again.
Also, as you have probably noticed, I am now saying "I" and not "we" anymore.
I realised after a few days of walking with Alice that really I want, and need, to walk on my own.
I can't, and don't want to just hook up with someone and then do everything together. The reason it is easy to hook up with someone on the camino, is fear. It is easier to be two when things get tough, when we want to organise where to stay, if we want to discuss whether to try and book an albergue or not (it is theoretically not possible to book a place in an albergue in Spain, but some private albergues accept bookings), etc... Basically all the things that would mean we don't have to trust 100% for everything that will come to us.
Alice was rather a worrier time and tended to have a murky enough energy, and it was important for me to cut the tie, even though I could feel that she didn't understand what happened and that it was painful for her.
I really need to stay with myself, centered and focused, so I can really go MY way, and walk MY camino, and not someone else's.
I learnt in the past few days that one of the messages of the camino for me is, once again, to LET GO.
This path is like that. We meet people all the time, sometimes not so nice, but sometimes really really nice. Sometimes we can feel that a special connection is being made with someone. That happened already three times to me. But then the people we connect to leave earlier or later the next day, walk longer or less, and we lose them. Sometimes for a few days, sometimes we don't see them again at all. And that is part of the way.
It is part of the experience to welcome the new, and let go of the old. And believe me, the new becomes old very quickly.
What an adventure!!

New shoes, new walking sticks

2007-05-22T18:09:00.000+02:00

Yesterday started tough.
The day before was really hard, and took its toll yesterday as well.
Alice and I were both tired, and the last bit before Estella felt like torture.
Yet it wasn't raining and the path wasn't too hard. But my feet were so sore, the shoes had really given up on me and I could feel it.
It was really tough. So in Estella we asked a policewoman where I could buy some "botas para andar" and off we went into town, to try and find the shop called Goyache that she had advised.
I bought some walking shoes that cost me only 40 euro, after much trying on and walking around and trying to talk to the man with my broken Spanish. I wasn't convinced by the boots but at that stage I was desperate and was scared I wouldn't find any other shop open, as it was already past 12am, and most shops in Spain close between 12 and 4pm.
The nice bonus was that I bought two mountaineering walking stick with antishock system and all, as I noticed that just one walking stick wasn't enough, and my left knee was getting sore.
Since then, my left knee feels much better.
Today I expected to be in agony after walking almost 20 km with the new shoes, but my feet were sore in a "normal" way only. So we'll see how it goes tomorrow.
It seems the weather has turned nicer, and it gets really warm by the end of the morning now.
And I keep meeting new people and having interesting conversations, as well as drinking nice Spanish wine...
I hope to have more internet time next time to talk more about the encounters I made.
In the meantime, be reassured, all is well, and life is beautiful.
I haven't fallen in love yet, although Spain is not far from taking my heart completely, with its gorgeous landscapes, lovely people and easy going way of life.
And who knows what might come yet!

mud, rain and thunder

2007-05-20T20:41:00.000+02:00

Today was tough.
I had heard that the third and fourth days walking were potentially the hardest, but this was really really hard, even for people who had been walking for longer than I had.
It started quite well, with a lovely sunrise on a nicely foggy fresh morning. Plenty of birds, and flowers, absolutely gorgeous.
Then at around 9am, it started raining really badly. It was a big storm really, with lightning and thunder and all, and by the time I and my friend Alice arrived in Obanos, we were soaked. So we stopped in a bar, had a coffee and something to eat, and chatted for a while (i.e. almost an hour and a half...).
By the time we arrived in Puento La Reina (meaning bridge of the queen because the queen at some stage got the bridge built for the pilgrims because she was sick of seeing so many of them killed by the river), we could almost have stopped there for the night, as it was about 12 and the albergue was opening. But we felt fine, so we decided to book a bed in an albergue (which is rarely possible, but we were lucky with this one) 8 or 10 km later, and walk them.
However... Most of the path was mud. Some of it was very steep, and we ended up exhausted. Really exhausted.
But we made it.
My feet are sore for the first time tonight, and I am thinking of buying new shoes tomorrow, and throwing away the ones I have, as I noticed today that they are not comfortable enough to finish the way, and they are too old, the soles are too damaged. I prefer to have sore feet for two days while I break the new shoes in, and be fine for the next month, rather than be miserable for the rest of the walk. So there.
Apart from the hard day walk, it was beautiful, and the weather was fine this afternoon. Not that we enjoyed it that much, but at least it allowed our clothes to dry...
The meal tonight at the albergue was absolutely fabulous, and the lady who takes care of it is really lovely.
And as usual, I keep meeting more and more people and that is really nice.
So Ultreia, as they say!

Third day

2007-05-19T17:42:00.000+02:00

So this is my third day.
Even though I was in Pamplona yesterday evening I didn't get a chance to go to an internet cafe.
I walked 21.5km yesterday. Thought I wouldn't manage, and had planned to stop at the town before Pamplona, 5 or 6 km beforehand, but met a nice lady from Geneva (well who lives in Geneva but originally from the German speaking part of Switzerland, near Schaffhausen), and who was walking until Pamplona, and before I knew it I was there as well.
We got the last two places in a very nice private albergue held by Germans, and populated mostly by Germans as well, and even got a nice room, just the two of us, at the very top of the house, with steep stairs to get in, a tower really. We could sleep really well and so today was much easier than if we hadn't slept well. We even got breakfast!! Not like the first morning where there was no breakfast, and the dining room was closed when we left, so we couldn't even get a coffee from the machine before leaving.
Yesterday was gorgeous and warm, so in the afternoon I went into town and tried to look for the churches that are not to be missed in Pamplona. I wanted to buy some food as well for today and yesterday evening, and by the time I had found all I wanted I was too tired to go looking for an internet cafe or indeed a church.
It seems that now, on the camino francés, there is a sort of race that every pilgrim goes through in order to find a bed in the evening. When I say evening, think 12:30 pm or so.
By 1pm at the latest, most albergues are full. That makes it very hard to enjoy the path, stop to look around, relax, take pictures, and enjoy life. Pilgrims leave the albergues as soon as possible, often just after 6am, and from then on, the main thought is: will I find a bed? Thinking that most days we try to walk 20 km or more, which takes at least 5 hours considering the weight of the bag, and the state of the path, it leaves little time for breaks or relaxation.
Because of that we are more tired. As a result when we get into a town or a city, we really have little strength left to go walking around town and play the tourist.
So really pilgrims are not tourists, and maybe that's ok, but I met many people who are disappointed that they can't take their time.
For me so far it has worked well, but I am thinking of trying and stopping every day if possible somewhere between the two usual places that most people stop at. That way I should have less people and more chances of getting a bed.
But we will see how it goes.
So far things are good, my shoulders are a bit sore, but getting better, and I feel already stronger when I am walking. Yet today is the third day and I heard that the third and fourth day are the worst. Well, if this is the worst, it is FINE!!

First day on the path, ouch!!

2007-05-17T17:57:00.000+02:00

So today I started walking.
From Burguete and not from Roncesvalles, because when I tried to find somewhere to stay in Roncesvalles yesterday with my aunt, after driving down, everything was full. So we went 3 km further, which meant 3km less today, and I was very thankful for that today.
I have walked 17.5 km today, lots of tough slopes up and down - we are still in the Pyrenees really - and many places were slippery because of the foggy rain that was making everything wet. I am glad I found a bed in the albergue here, as the first few albergues I came across were complete.
Of course my feet are sore, my knees, thighs and shoulders as well, but it was mostly a nice day, not too hot and I met plenty of people.
We'll see how things go later on. I won't make it much longer now as I have only a few minutes left with the internet connection.
So far, so good!

Tomorrow, tomorrow

2007-05-15T15:28:00.000+02:00

I have at last emptied my suitcases.
I have put books on bookshelves, things in cupboards and drawers, and pictures on the walls.
I am officially settled in France, at my parents.
I couldn't imagine coming back after my one month walk to unemptied suitcases and a messy bedroom.
At least, I will feel like I have a place of my own when I come back.
Somehow, it makes me feel more joyful, and I feel like I can leave now, my heart lighter because I know I can come back home.
Amazing really if I think about it. I am about to leave everything and spend one month with all my possessions in a rucksack on my back. Talk about finding it hard to feel grounded!
Interestingly, I tend to need a home, somewhere cozy where I have all my stuff, where I can go and be alone and feel good. Somewhere I can feel everything I need to feel, a place that nurtures me and helps me to get over any hard time.
I was never attracted to the idea of backpacking around the world. Too superficial for me, and also too hard to live for a long time without a home.
And yet that's exactly what I am going to do for a month. But not quite.
I will only walk, and my point is not really touristic. It is more of an inner search, a longing for new faces, landscapes, and sides of my self to discover. I am going to walk. I will not see any place I cannot walk to. I won't fly here and there, leave the rucksack for a few days while I tour an area.
I will be a pilgrim. Looking for something, without quite knowing what it is.
Feeling that something is pushing me in my back, and obeying the inner voice that is pulling me forward, no matter in which direction, no matter how crazy it seems.
A very special time of my life is starting tomorrow.

Soon the first step

2007-05-14T21:02:00.000+02:00

OK now I can feel it is time to start the walk soon.
I am as ready as I can be right now, and waiting more will only make me scared.
I already had my fear-migraine so that's done now, and I can start really doing it.
Of course I could prepare myself even more, redo my rucksack another few times to make sure I have everything I need and nothing I might not need, I could go walking another few times to try and do 20 km at least once with the bag before leaving.
But I feel that would only be procrastination.
Now is the time.
So I need to really trust, and make the leap. The most difficult is the first step, they say.
So let's take that first step, and go!!
I just called my aunt tonight because she will be the one who drives me to my starting point, just after the Pyrenees in Spain. She will come and collect me on Wednesday morning, so we have time to go down nicely, taking all the time we need, and I can start walking on Thursday morning.
And then off I go, and I can only trust that all will be well.
I know all will be well.

Santiago, fear and joy

2007-05-12T22:32:00.000+02:00

Today I had a pretty awful migraine. I have no idea where it came from, but it sure put me down for the day.
I started to feel the headache coming just before lunch, and then felt nauseous, so badly that I had to go to bed before the end of the meal.
I mostly spent my afternoon sleeping, waking up every time with my head thumping, and if I was brave enough to get up I was sure to have the nausea hurrying back after a few minutes.
It is only starting now to be better, so I could eat almost normally tonight, but I feel exhausted. Strange, after all the time I spent sleeping today!!
I wonder if somehow that migraine isn't a sign of some apprehension or fear in front of what I am about to start, i.e. the long hard walk to Santiago. The 5 to 6 hours walk every day in the Spanish heat, the worry about my shoes (are they not too old to manage 800km? I can already see the soles are worn, will they manage the distance?), being alone on the path, being in Spain where I barely speak the language, not knowing how things work there, will the bag not be too heavy (but then if I remove things from it now will I not miss them?). Yes, I can feel all these worries at the bottom of my mind, churning in me even when I am not aware of them.
I can also feel the excitement, the longing of my soul for the adventure, the freedom, the new people to meet and new landscapes to discover. And mostly the excitement of discovering myself throughout it all.

Last things to prepare...

2007-05-10T16:07:00.000+02:00

Today I went into town to buy the last few things I need to go walking.
I bought some homeopathic remedies for first aid purposes, and am very happy that I got small tubes with granules that are really small and very light.
I have another few bits and pieces to get tomorrow, but mostly I have everything sorted so I can start thinking seriously of what I will put in the rucksack, in which pocket, and how heavy it will be. This part is a lot of fun. I always enjoyed sorting things out, knowing what belongs where, packing everything neatly. On top of it I always loved bags!!
Today was very hot here, the temperature reached 34°C!! It is a pleasure to walk around in shorts and T-shirt.
I am aware though that the heat makes walking harder. But that's OK. Santiago pilgrims leave very early in the morning anyway, in order to be at the next albergue around 12pm, and to avoid the heat as well.
Well I'd better go and organise my stuff now.
Talk soon!

Training, more training

2007-05-09T22:44:00.000+02:00

Today I only walked 7km, but yesterday I did a bit over 13km, might have been 14 or so.
Yesterday the weather wasn't great, quite cloudy, but pleasantly warm with a light breeze. The ideal weather to walk. Not too hot, not too cold.
So I walked a big tour around the house, and I realised how beautiful it is everywhere around here.
I was walking mostly on the top of hills, and had an amazing view on the hills, little forests, vineyards and fields of cereal on both sides. I even saw a falcon and its baby hovering over a field. I wished I had taken my binoculars with me, but I became acutely aware today, when I tried to walk with a heavier bag, that every gram counts when I have to carry it.
The wheat is still green but already high in the fields. It feels like the whole of nature is blooming.
I could feel my heart singing as I was walking, almost flying, taking in the scenery and atmosphere around me. By the end of the walk I was still singing, but rather to give myself the courage to get over the last two or three kilometers. I think I will sing a lot while I walk towards Santiago. :-)
Today I just went to the next village, but even though I walked about half the distance of yesterday, my bag was heavier and it was harder.
We'll see how I feel tomorrow and what I'll do. I will just go with the flow. I have to buy the last few things I need for the trip, e.g. first aid stuff and so. Then I will have to really screen through absolutely everything I put in the rucksack.
Well, all that preparation is fun in a way. I can feel that a bit adventure is in front of me, and I am excited and scared at the same time.
The good thing is, I don't think anymore about not being grounded or being in a transition. I have a purpose, and nothing else matters much...

New beginnings

2007-05-06T21:47:00.000+02:00

So Nicolas Sarkozy won the presidential elections in France today. That is a major new page starting for France.
We'll see what comes from that. It felt like a lot of people really didn't know who to vote for. It was a tough one. And as usual, it is very difficult to know how he will actually lead the country.
So we'll wait and see I suppose. An incredible high number of people voted anyway so that's an interesting change. French people used to be disenchanted about politics, and it is amazing to see that over 84% of people voted.

In the meantime, I feel that I have settled a bit.
I haven't unpacked much, don't really feel like it yet. But I am not anxious about it anymore.
I have even started to go walking every day to train for the pilgrimage.
Yesterday I walked 7km, today 10km. I hope to get to 20km by the end of the week, as it is what I am going to walk most days for a month. So far so good, my feet are OK, even if I know I have to be careful with them, choose the socks wisely and find some good foot cream. I will start to train with the rucksack in a couple of days, and will load it so I know how I manage the weight on my back.
I am back into feeling joyful and thankful for exactly where I am.
Oh yeah, and my car has been sold in Ireland. I received a text message from my friend who was taking care of it for me in Ireland yesterday. So little by little, the last ties with Ireland are dissolving, making way for new adventures.

Wrecked

2007-05-03T22:32:00.000+02:00

So I am back in France.
Tired.
Can barely keep my eyes open and yet it is not even 11pm.
It feels like I haven't slept in days.
I probably have slept, but maybe it is a post-traumatic something I am going through. After all it is kind of a big change to suddenly leave everything I had built for myself and all my friends and come back to my parents.
I am not going to leave for the Santiago pilgrimage straight away. I can feel I need to settle down first, rest and ground myself a bit again.
Maybe I'll leave in a week or ten days or so.
I only arrived home last night, and today went to Bordeaux for the whole day to buy all the equipment I need for Santiago. I found everything I wanted but obviously it tired me.
And it is just weird to be here in a small room where there are already some things in the cupboards, trying to fit my stuff when I had my own place for so long. And then on top of it having people sleeping in my room with me when all other rooms are taken.
I miss my space.
I am sure I will sort out something with my parents so that I can settle and feel good, but in the meantime it just feels weird. It is completely different to be here with all my stuff and nowhere else to do, than to be here on holidays for a couple of weeks before going back home somewhere else.
I will adjust to it I am sure.
But for now, I'll go to bed and hope tomorrow will be a bit closer to me being more centered, grounded and back to normal.

That's it folks!

2007-04-30T01:01:00.000+02:00

Well, this is it.
Last day.
Tomorrow morning, alarm set at 6am.
Brushing teeth, eating breakfast, putting the last few things away, the last bags in the car, leaving the keys behind (how strange is that, I'll have no keys of mine anymore...).
And then setting off before 8am for Rosslare Harbour, where the ferry will be bringing us to Cherbourg the next day.
Bye bye Ireland.
My car is in Claregalway with a friend who agreed to play the middle man to sell it. Ads are in the Galway Advertiser for the next two weeks, and in the Buy and Sell too.
I can feel it will get sold soon.
It will be just fine, as usual.
And now what?
A feeling of emptiness but also excitement.
Sadness, grief and also joy.
The path to Santiago is calling me.
California is calling me.
Adventure is calling me.
Now it is past midnight, I'd better get to bed if I don't want to be wrecked for the big day tomorrow.
I wonder if I'll sleep...

Last days...

2007-04-28T19:46:00.000+02:00

It feels a bit strange today.
I went into town, to the market, with my dad and my aunt, and it felt like there was something special in the air. As if there was a festival or so.
Yes, there were people from twin city Lorient who organised a breton market, and there was also Celtic music and dancing, but there wasn't as much people around it as there would be in a real festival.
No really, maybe it was just the feeling of summer, with the sun shining and relative heat around (20 degrees Celsius today, summer temperature for Ireland!!). Or maybe it just felt special because I am leaving and I knew it would be my last time on the market.
Or at least my last time as a resident in Ireland.
Since the barbecue on Thursday, with all the people I said goodbye to, it really feels like I am leaving, and I am not quite sure what to make of it.
Obviously there are mixed feelings, after all, I spent seven and a half years of my life here, which means it is where I spent most of my adult life. I was 21 when I arrived.
A seven-year-cycle later, here I am, almost leaving.
I really have no idea what to make of it.
Well, tonight I will finish all my bottles of alcohol with my dad, aunt and landlord and landlady. Don't be scared, there isn't that much left.
But it will be fun, and less to bring back.
And I am sure I will be fine tomorrow :-)

Webcam, Skype and lots of fun!

2007-04-25T20:24:00.000+02:00

Here is a great picture of my dad and me having fun with the webcam, while talking to my mum over Skype. We had a great time!
So my dad and my aunt arrived without any problem yesterday evening, exhausted after the whole journey, so they had an early night, and we went around town today.
The weather has improved today, it was raining a bit this morning, but it is nice and sunny now. From the window where we are looking through now, I can't see one cloud.
So I'd better go now as my dad is getting hungry and starting to nag me about what I am going to make, and should we start to do something now, and if yes, what, etc... So I'll go and start cooking before he starves altogether!
Apart from that, only the car to sell and I'll be ready to go!
I am pretty sure it will happen soon, and everything will be ok.

Spa bliss

2007-04-23T22:17:00.000+02:00

This afternoon I went to the spa with a friend. I had promised her that I would invite her to the Thermal suite in the Radisson Hotel for her birthday, and even though her birthday was in January, I never got to it until today. Better late than never, definitely.
And it was great! We spent time in the aroma grotto, on the beach (yes they have an indoor beach), in saunas and steamrooms, in tropical showers and cold mists, and on wonderful relaxing heated chairs.
We got out of there giggling, but relaxed and tired as if we had run a marathon. The chicken and chips with the glass of Sauvignon blanc was welcome after that.
So now I feel all relaxed.
I have only few things left to do regarding packing tonight - I intend to sort out the bathroom stuff, shoes and most of the clothes I know I won't wear until I leave - and I would like to take a bit of time doing a law of attraction meditation before going to sleep. I know that I need, and want, to stay focused right now.
It is too easy to slip down the road of fear and worry. After all it IS a big transition, and many things still need to be sorted somehow before I leave.
But really worrying about them will not help, so I might as well just projecting exactly what I want, knowing that I will attract what I think about most.
So phew! It feels like I have turned the whole worry thing around. But let's not rest on our successes, and stay focused in the right direction instead.

Strange, but interesting times...

2007-04-22T12:26:00.000+02:00

It has been yet another while since I last posted anything here.
I feel like I am living in strange times.
Really since the laptop story nothing is quite the same.
My parents called me on Monday evening, i.e. at the time they were supposed to take the ferry, to tell me that mum's ID card is expired and they wouldn't let them on the ferry. So the next few days were filled with frantic attempts to get an emergency passport, or some kind of ID organised for my mum before Monday (tomorrow) which was the date we had rescheduled the ferry to.
However all failed, and my dad is going to have to come here with my mum's sister.
It's not the ideal situation, but no one died or had an accident, and it is really not the end of the world. Also it is giving me a few more days to finish the packing, and meet up one last time with people I haven't seen in a long time.
But somehow it didn't flow very well.
Things are not flowing so well at the moment.
Strange, as they really did at the beginning of my getting ready to move. I sold most of my little stuff very quickly, and have now packed most of what I keep, so I just need to sort and pack bathroom stuff and clothes and I am done.
But, one big thing that is still waiting is the car. I haven't sold it yet, and have had absolutely no phone call about it this week, although I put an ad in many different papers/websites, with lower prices than last week.
Obviously, the fact that I am not selling it makes me worry about it, which probably pushes the very thing I am looking for away from me.
I know I need to relax, trust and let go.
Looking this morning at the reasons why I worry, I found out that selling the car is only one step. From it should come the money I need for the rest of the year. So if I don't manage to sell it, or somehow lose that money, I am stuck with enough money for maybe two months, but far from my dream of taking it easy until the end of the year, and taking my time to go to the States and explore before I have to really do something. So my fear of not selling the car comes down to another fear, the one of not having enough money. And that fear is linked to the fear of not being able to attract the money I need and want for the rest of my life.
I know about the law of attraction, have read about it, and am painfully aware that I should know better than that.
But then again I also know that the best thing I can do in any situation is to embrace it, rather than try to make myself feel better by beating myself up for any "unreasonable" feelings I might have.
So that's what I'll do.
I have dug out my Emotional Freedom Technique documentation, so I can tap the feelings and emotions away. What I like about the EFT releasing technique is that it helps me first accept, and often really find out whatever I am feeling, before letting it go. So it goes with the flow, instead of beating the feeling out of me with pure force. That means it doesn't leave any residues of the little victim in me who cries "but I am ENTITLED to feel that way! Look at how I was wronged!!"
I also reminded myself of one of the basic law of attraction rules: if I want to be wealthy, or attract money in any way, I really need to be, think and act like a wealthy person... Now how would a wealthy person feel about my car? They would probably not worry one bit about it. I mean, if you are a millionaire, you are not going to sweat because you don't know if you will get the 13000 Euro that the car is worth... And as a result, you probably sell it, and get that money or more in no time!
Also a wealthy person wouldn't worry about how to get money for the end of the year, or even for the rest of their life!
So there.
The answer is pretty clear.
So what would a millionaire do today? Probably have breakfast, meet the people they have said they'd meet, and spend the rest of the day doing what they really like.
So that's what I'll do! I am going in a couple of hours to meet a friend of mine whom I haven't seen in a year, and who just had a baby, so that'll be nice.
And then I'll go home and write, because I really feel like it and I haven't done it in a long time.